Water Violet

Sociopath = Possession? Corporations are by definition sociopathic! Jedi...

2010-12-05T10:24:00.000Z

Labyrinth of the Psychopath 1 - Intro

2010-12-03T01:04:00.000Z

Lessons in being more Scorpio...

2010-03-08T03:11:00.003Z

Notes to self:

If someone tells me they feel safe quitting smoking around me because they feel they are safe being bitchy with me, as opposed to being that way at work with clients , instead of taking it as a compliment, listen to the inner worry ... say : AM I A PUNCHING BAG NOW??

In a first date, if the guy tries to undermine my confidence / is provocative / laughs at me...... instead of analyzing his mediocre psyche and thinking he is attacking because his ego feel threatened by the idea of me rejecting him ...... : Excuse yourself (Saturn is in Libra afterall) and leave, never look back, never second guess what could have happened if only you would have made him feel accepted enough for him to not have feel he has to be such a dick. Dicks WILL be dicks. (what a great title for a Garfunkul and Oates song)

If you happen to find yourself in a situation where something surprises you by making you feel humiliated, your body tenses up, and you feel something is wrong, don't stick around trying to understand it better or prove yourself: LEAVE. Think about it later, if you must at all.
Always remember your inner child needs your protection. I am my own mother. I teach myself how to love and protect myself.
Time and experience have proven that if i am not aware of my emotions alot of misunderstandings follow.

Don´t let your guards down . Its too soon. But don't be bitter about it. That's just reality. People are separate entities. There is a protocol to relationships.

Don't take it as a compliment when someone says they feel soooo comfortable with you. You're not their therapist, are you? This is NOT a good sign.

Scorpios inspire me, they are defense and attack experts, and it would come really handy for a vulnerable pisces like me to absorve some of that energy.

This first chapter of Saturn in Libra has been hitting me like a ton of bricks. But i feel i will come out of it much stronger. How has it been for you?

All in the day

2010-03-06T07:32:00.007Z

I painted Kens toe nails dark blue. That made for a pretty funny trip to the nail spa! Notice the T-shirt.
A picture is worth a thousand words.....
Some very rare expressos at diciccos.

Ken decided to take the napkin as a souvenir, so we made some drawings on it. Don´t underestimate stick figures!

It's Time To Get Laid

2010-02-25T07:54:00.001Z

The little Prince

2010-02-08T00:22:00.002Z

An extract from Le Petit Prince, by Antoine Exupery:
....

It was then that the fox appeared.

“Good morning,” said the fox.

“Good morning,” the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

“I am right here,” the voice said, “under the apple tree.”

“Who are you?” asked the little prince, and added, “You are very pretty to look at.”

“I am a fox,” the fox said.

“Come and play with me,” proposed the little prince. “I am so unhappy.”

“I cannot play with you,” the fox said. “I am not tamed.”

“Ah! Please excuse me,” said the little prince.

But, after some thought, he added:

“What does that mean–’tame’?”

“You do not live here,” said the fox. “What is it that you are looking for?”

“I am looking for men,” said the little prince. “What does that mean–’tame’?”

“Men,” said the fox. “They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?”

“No,” said the little prince. “I am looking for friends. What does that mean–’tame’?”

“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. It means to establish ties.”

“‘To establish ties’?”

“Just that,” said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . .”

“I am beginning to understand,” said the little prince. “There is a flower . . . I think that she has tamed me . . .”

“It is possible,” said the fox. “On the Earth one sees all sorts of things.”

“Oh, but this is not on the Earth!” said the little prince.

The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.

“On another planet?”

“Yes.”

“Are there hunters on that planet?”

“No.”

“Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?”

“No.”

“Nothing is perfect,” sighed the fox.

But he came back to his idea.

“My life is very monotonous,” the fox said. “I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . .”

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.

“Please–tame me!” he said.

“I want to, very much,” the little prince replied. “But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.”

“One only understands the things that one tames,” said the fox. “Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . .”

“What must I do, to tame you?” asked the little prince.

“You must be very patient,” replied the fox. “First you will sit down at a little distance from me–like that–in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . .”

The next day the little prince came back.

“It would have been better to come back at the same hour,” said the fox. “If, for example, you come at four o’clock in the afternoon, then at three o’clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o’clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you . . . One must observe the proper rites . . .”

“What is a rite?” asked the little prince.

“Those also are actions too often neglected,” said the fox. “They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all.”
So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near–

“Ah,” said the fox, “I shall cry.”

“It is your own fault,” said the little prince. “I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . .”

“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.

“But now you are going to cry!” said the little prince.

“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.

“Then it has done you no good at all!”

“It has done me good,” said the fox, “because of the color of the wheat fields.” And then he added:

“Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret.”

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

“You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

And the roses were very much embarassed.

“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” he went on. “One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you–the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.

And he went back to meet the fox.

“Goodbye,” he said.

“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

“What is essential is invisible to the eye,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”

“It is the time I have wasted for my rose–” said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

“Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox. “But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . .”

“I am responsible for my rose,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember…

My office view

2010-01-14T17:22:00.001Z

christmas deco + new mirror

2010-01-10T00:22:00.006Z

Updated pics of my living room! Theres a mirror above the fireplace now. a black velvet cover over the coffee table we are using as entertainment center, a new plant...oh, and a christmas tree!

oh, and a chalk board on the hall, where ken and I leave messages, or shopping lists or drawings, or quotes.. =)

all those doors are: one closet, another closet with a big water heater, the two big doors are the laundry "room" and next door is kens room and his bathroom inside it. the other side is my (and main) bathroom and then my room. The cute baby in pink is Evy!

Monterey pics + my new hair color

2009-12-28T05:23:00.007Z

Seals!

Clam chowder

Sweet Potato Pie

2009-12-02T06:15:00.003Z

Thanks to Mandy for the recipe! Its the best pie I've ever had.

2 cups sweet potato

1 stick melted butter

1/2 cup sugar

1 can sweetened condensed milk

3 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

¼ tsp nutmeg

¾ tsp cinnamon

-boil sweet potatoes until soft, let cool remove skin, mash.
-combine all ingredients
-makes 2 pies
-bake at 350-375 for 30-35 min

Bakes inside one of those frozen pie crusts you can get anywhere. I haven't done it yet. need to go get some ingredients. its highly addictive.

Outside and in

2009-12-01T07:39:00.007Z

Prima e outros curiosos, esta eh a vista para fora de casa. Nao eh bem no meio duma floresta. por acaso fica a um quarteirao da avenida onde tudo acontece -Blackstone. Mas eh muito sossegado. Aqui eh um complexo de apartamentos como se ve na foto, mas fora sao casinhas lindas com arvores, que agora estao coloridas amarelo, vermelho... No dia da foto choveu, o dia estava cinzento, mas eh rarissimo. Tem estado briol mas sempre sol.
Sim, eh um pentagrama na cortina. O meu housemate eh um sacerdote pagao, nos tempos livres. Meet Ken...

Kens pride and joy is his hair, which I braided for him. He is awesome. Stellium em sagitario na casa 12. lua em scorpio.Belo mix. Conheci-o em Julho, quando andava a procura de pessoas com interesses em astrologia e afins. O primeiro encontro foi na Revue, o meu hang out preferido em fresno, foi um nico desconfortavel como tds os primeiros encontros, com algumas moscas a chatear. Nunca imaginamos que estariamos a viver na mm casa 3 meses depois. A vida dah voltas. E aqui estou eu em grande plano na TV do Ken. O video do youtube. =)

Free Hugs in Lisbon

2009-11-29T11:59:00.001Z

Danse des lutins - FULL VERSION

2009-11-29T08:29:00.001Z

kitchen and my bedroom!

2009-11-27T00:31:00.006Z

:D :D :D I love that the windows have upclose views of trees!Besides the ocean I couldn't ask for a better view.

Mais duas

2009-11-24T02:52:00.003Z

La pièce de résistance!

Updated pics

2009-11-24T02:34:00.005Z

Soon I will post picture of the kitchen, which is really nice and of my bedroom! I love the place!!! :D

en chantant des vieux airs

2009-11-20T16:54:00.001Z

E. Marchelie

2009-11-20T09:29:00.001Z

One of the attempts to get a video on youtube!
Has to slice it in half because it was too heavy.
En chantant des vieux airs, from Erik Marchelie! One of my favorite ones!

3 pics of new place

2009-11-14T04:42:00.004Z

This Cat Betrayed His Girlfriend

2009-10-22T07:56:00.003+01:00

New painting

2009-10-12T07:06:00.003+01:00

The first one is the one i painted! the second is the original. I saw it in an art gallery with a friend and he loved it, so I decided to paint one for him :D
I like the end result. Its not my kind of painting but was fun to do. I need to paint more. This gallery exposes paintings of new local artists. Maybe one day i will have enough paintings to show there. I need at least 15.

Life has been hectic and weird otherwise. With some good moments. I'm depressed again but avoiding getting back on medication for now. I will have health insurance soon, so will try to see a therapist.
I'm going to move to a new place with a roomate, we will share a 2 bedroom place, which should be awesome and cheap. We are excited about 2 places now. We will apply for both and see what happens.
Hope you like the painting!
Love and miss my friends in LX!

Connect / mono retreat

2009-09-19T04:04:00.002+01:00

Not sure what to call it. I'm going on a retreat with the purpose of: connecting. First with myself, eventually with others. My method: monotask. I will not multitask. I will be in meditation, prayer, and doing reiki to myself daily. I will go about my normal life except i won't have my phone connected and won't be using the messengers online. That will give me ALOT oof free hours during the day to exercise, meditate, ride bike, etc. Do things that energize me and not drain me.
Though i will be online a limited time a day and will check emails. Won't watch TV mostly. But if i do I won't be using the pc or eating at the same time. I will meditate/do reiki about one hour a day at least. I plan on going to a local church too. Need to check their schedule tomorrow.
So, it will be very simple. Basically i wont be chatting online or multitasking. And the free time i get from that i will be doing good things for myself, meditation being a priority. I will try it for at least a week.

I went to the meditation on monday, and got 2 interesting messages. One directly to me from my Guide: question->how do I heal myself? Answer: Connect.
The other message was that intention without action leads to nothing. Action leads to success. Action implies structure, saturn, limits. ACTION. to act. to move. to do things.

meditation meetup

2009-09-01T06:08:00.003+01:00

Today the ideal opportunity to finally attend the meditation meetup came up.
after meditating for half an hour we read parts of a book and then discussed it.

I've been very out of it mentally, for lack of proper rest, for alot of stressful events, heartbreak, toxic people too close, depression, getting off depression medication, and not being able to cope very well with any of that. Being here away from people and places i know makes me disabled to deal with stuff it seems.

Whatever.

What i was trying to say is that because of this, i only retained a few ideas from the meetup and i thought i'd write them down here. Randomly:

Quote: If you want to be a light in the world, prepare to be burned.

In a book about an interview between the dalai lama and a scientist the later asked if the Dalai Lama regrets anything in his life. He responded that he regrets what he said when an aging monk came to him agonizing about not being to do the hardcore exercise he had done all his life, he wanted to know what he could do to be able to do them again, and D.L. suggested he moved on with his life, accepting he is now old. That monk went on and killed himself. Then the scientist asked : how were you able to eventually leave that event behind you? The D. Lama replied: I haven't.

Note to self/moral of story: we can carry all the bad events with us, not forget /ignore them and still have space for all the good things in life. The soul is big enough for all of it. Bad things don't need to take over the soul, they can be remembered and relived, not good to dwell too much, but not good to forget it either. Its easier to forget it. But then you loose a bit of your soul, a but of who you are.

i needed to hear that.
Another thing, off topic, that i needed to hear and came to me last night through an email is:
"What other people think about you is none of your business". I love that. so true. Other people can project whatever crap they want on me, but it only informs about who they are, what they have inside. Always healing to remember that.

We also read a book entitled Places we Fear... but I wasnt able to take much fr0m it, i'd need to read it and re-read it as i have saturn-mercury on top of all the things mentioned above. I look forward to going next week again.

my best side pictures @ Palácio da Pena

2009-08-22T01:35:00.010+01:00

At Palácio da Pena, in Sintra, Portugal. Wearing a hat the wrong way. Wearing some unexpected bunny ears.

My other side doesn't look as good, I'm glad i'm right handed. This palace is my favorite in the world. It's so moon conjunct neptune in sagitarius: the ocean theme, neptune, sea shells on the walls, and the international decoration of each room. which we couldn't take pictures of... the colours are awesome. yellow, magenta, chess paterns.....

this one was in Bairro alto. Its fuzzy , but i like it.

lisbon + faial, August 2009

2009-08-13T21:00:00.009+01:00

Polyamory

2009-07-30T08:20:00.001+01:00

POLYAMORY: Love—Poly Style -Newsweek

2009-07-30T08:13:00.001+01:00

:) Neptune-Jupiter conjunct my mars = Poly!!!

Happiness obsession

2009-06-11T05:51:00.005+01:00

I hope Bruno and Devil Mood give me permission to copy paste their comments to the last post:
Bruno said...: Hi babe! I think being happy can have multiple setups but generally it depends on two things:

1. Having a purpose for your life.

Most people have a purpose like having kids, others to fulfill professional objectives or reach certain goals, others to help / service the community, etc.
So the first thing to do is to figure out what purpose you want to give to your life.

2. Being Yourself and growing inside

Many people live to create a superficial image to show to others and even though they might seem happy, they are actually miserable inside and can't stand being alone.

When we are ourselves most of the time, we tend to feel security. Our concepts our ideals they should all come from within and not from other sources. Only then we are truly ourselves.

Finding someone to share your life for example relies a lot in the ability of being able to be yourself with the other person. I had the luck of experiencing such feeling and swore never to forget it so I can recognize it when I find the right person.

Being ourselves also protects us from external negativity and social pressure. It means we have a mind of our own and stick with our beliefs.

Do realize that even though being ourselves is great, we have to be open to change into growing and improving our ideals & concepts.
Sticking with our beliefs is fine but not if the behavior ends up to be self-destructive.

I learned to avoid self-destructivity and try to improve myself solely based on that concept.
This means when I feel like reacting negative, remind myself to stop and think "Is there a better way to react? How?" and then react the better way. This greatly improved my relationship with others and my professional attitude.

As a general rule, any negative emotional reaction is bad. Sometimes I feel revolted about unfair things and just feel like blowing but at the same time know it won't take me anywhere good neither it is a good way to react.
Lack of self-control is a weakness.

I hope my ramblings enlighten you.

Kisses
Devil Mood said...: It can be a constant struggle for some people, while it seems to come naturally for the rest of them.
Anyway, happiness is an american obsession. Obviously everyone wants to be happy or to feel good, at least, but the obsessive pursuit of happiness is not the way to go, I believe.
I was reading a book about that but I gave it up..haha ;)
Bruno said...: Yep being obsessive about it is not a good thing either.

Well... being obsessive about anything too I guess... :)

I think most people only find up to a certain level of happiness.

If you focus on following a constructive path in your life, you should find happiness somewhere along the way. Or shall I say... it should find you!

Me: Hi Bruno, i'm trying to figure out if I know you or not, can u give me a clue? Thank you for your input. Devil mood (((hugz)))

I think maybe happiness has different meanings for people. I have this intuitive theory that fire signs are naturally happy. and by happy I mean they are ALIVE. everything they do has alot of life. They're Here. They're enjoying being here.
And it seems to be as natural as breathing. Its just a theory. I dont really know alot of fire signs deeply. The ones i know have actually been depressed at times, but when not, they're back to being the way i described.

For a Pisces like me, that doesn't happen. At ALL. Being on earth at least half the time feels wrong and uncomfortable. and weird, unfamiliar. some rare moments it feels good, when im allowed to be oblivious and free and comfortable physically, then i'm able to be in a different place in spirit. So, its not about being obsessed about being in an ideal state of perfectness. By happy i mean satisfied, content, alive enough to function in a way that doesn't bring other people down. Its much more of a practical thing. If u have to be incarnated, its very practical to be a somewhat happy person, stable. I'm not too stable, I'm fighting to keep sanity and control of basic stuff, mainly in relationships with others, that's the area that hurts the most.

The ways to have a fulfilled life certainly have to do with goals, as Bruno pointed out. At least for most people it does. I think Buddhists say its the other way around though, having no wishes is the best way to not be disappointed. But I think for me, at my level of conscience, it works to have goals, to keep me motivated, like the donkey that walks to get the carrot in front of his nose..( i think this is a reference to "dom quixote")

Anyway. Its a practical matter as well as a philosophical point. I've heard and seen many times in my life that poor people are happiest. Except in countries with big extremes of poverty and richness, like the US and big cities in Brazil, there the poor can be angry and revolted because they see closely what they are missing. That keeps them from being grateful for what they have, and that's what was happening to me, not being grateful. And there's where lies the choice to be happy or not.
Happy people are grateful and they appreciate little things.

The other point Bruno made was about being yourself. It reminds me of Carl rogers idea of being congruent as a basis of healthy psyche. I've always agreed with him, even though some people say its too naive. I have no doubt that my peace of mind and self esteem depend on being true to myself, and once you give up on it you're lost, living a lie, totally disconnected from yourself. And that's how most people live. Some people have social masks which they live intensely, and then are able to go back to being their true self with people they trust, I imagine, I can't really do that. Not enough social intelligence. not enough cynicism, and not enough motivation to do it. I don't understand those people at all, they scare me, to be honest. Not saying they are bad people, at all, just different essence and history.

I'm sleepy and tired. I had morning insomnia all of last week. waking up at 5 am feeling fine. Now that i'm back to sleeping i feel really tired. think i might be getting sick. So I hope this post made sense, I'm not editing it much, as i usually do. Need to go to bed. Thank u for commenting!

Being grateful

2009-06-03T04:48:00.004+01:00

I was laying on the couch... after another works day, feeling bored and like life doesn't make a whole lot of sense...
I decided to get my butt of the couch and of the house and go for a stroll on my bike. Going around the corner i saw a 2 year old boy running naked and his mom after him, i smiled. The boredom started to lift a bit. I started realizing I don't feel happiness. And i started to wonder why. I finally have everything i need to be happy, dont I?
I am confortable with my body, my weight, after a life long struggle with that. I am able to live by myself in a nice place, able to ride a bike in a beautiful place, with nice houses and lovely trees... the temperature is perfect.. I see cats laying around on the grass... I start feeling better. more relaxed. I start to worry that if I cant feel totally happy right now, i never will. I am sure of that. Then i realize / remember the secret to happiness is to be grateful for things. Its all about perspective.
I start singing "give thanks with a grateful heart" as i stroll in the bike... -"wish i had a nice voice.. wish i could actually sing... then i'd be happier much easier. ugh, back to being thankful for the good things.." - I start giving thanks for the nice weather, the bike, my healthy body, for cats, for birds i see, for my blond arm hairs... for the trees...etc. I realize i will never be happy by having material things, if thats all there is in my life. I need to learn to be happy. This insight has been building up in the last days. And it was a bit scary to realize it because for a few minutes it seemed it was out of my control to be happy or not. I felt alot better after doing this exercise of gratefulness.As I strolled around looking at the houses, sometimes glimpsing people inside them doing whatever, or watering their lawns, i wondered if they are happy, and I wondered if i would be happy having that life, by that i just mean having their house which is all i know about how their life is. No, I wouldnt, i realized. If that's all i had, i'd be even emptier, i'd be desilusioned and farther away from it. I wonder if u understand what im talking about. I think people that have dreams and wants are the happiest. I guess its because once u get it, it soon looses its power to make u happy.
I asked myself how do other people do it. how are they happy? they have famillies, was what came to mind imediatly. they have kids. and I pondered on that notion... kids are happy. u can be happy for them. happy for making them happy. happy to ignore your saturn, your "age", your lack of life outside of them. thats a totally valid thing to do. it really is. life is what you put your mind to think/see it is. There's saturn, but theres also jupiter, sun, etc, they are all part of life. none more valid than the other.
I think i would be happy if i was able to have friends over at my house alot, and being involved in my community.
I'm happy when im making other people happy. When they enjoy the food i make and being in my house. Happy when i have puppies and sometimes cats. Happy around beauty. Happy when i'm growing and learning, becoming better.
I'll keep working on it...

album monterey

2009-05-25T05:45:00.013+01:00

2009-05-23T04:29:00.000+01:00

What behaviors create challenges in an intimate relationship and how can we change them? I wish someone could tell me what to avoid next time?

As you know, intimate relationships, though complicated, are our opportunity to know ourselves and grow emotionally and spiritually. Through the insights we gain in our relationships we leave behind childhood patterns and we become adults.
Some essential unconscious behaviors that create challenges in an intimate relationship:

• Denying, repressing or not appropriately expressing feelings. This pattern is associated with past emotional wounds.
• Not taking responsibility for our true needs and not taking action to fulfill them. This creates expectations that our ‘happiness’ depends on the other person.
• Projecting our denied parts on the other and then holding that person a prisoner of our projections.
• Not being present. Reliving the past or anticipating the future.

Below are the solutions I propose. Of course, these steps take time, as the y form an entire journey to finding wholeness and inner peace.

1. List your expectations of the other, such as “He should do/be________in order for me to be happy/whole/in control. “ These expectations point to neglected needs that you project on the other, creating expectations.

2. Embrace and take responsibility for your projections, then turn them around. “He should understand me” becomes “ I understand him/myself”. “He should show acceptance” becomes “I accept him/myself.”

3. Allow unaccepted feelings to emerge—anger, hurt, shame, envy. Feel them, own them, embrace them and confess them to someone you trust. Usually they are associated with parts about yourself/your past you haven’t accepted. Embrace them. Don’t act on the feelings.

4. Stay in the present—embrace the present. Free your mind from the past and the future.

5. Once you accept the rejected, repressed parts of yourself, you will see clearly who the other is in the relationship. Withdrawing your projections by accepting all there is to accept in yourself and staying present in the now will allow you to love the other without expectations. This frees the other to relax and be their true self in the relationship. This keeps the flow of a relationship alive. If, after withdrawing your projections, you realize that you can’t love the other and be in a relationship with them, you can choose to leave.

Remember, a challenging relationship is a situation. To address it, you must first accept it as is, and they change it, or leave it. The key here is that, in order to change a relationship you don’t change the other person. You change how you relate to them.

http://mariagrace.com/2-Marias-Teachings/behaviors-intimate-relationship

Anguished rambles.

2009-05-21T07:39:00.003+01:00

I've noticed that one of the secrets of people that date the same person for years, as opposed to someone like me that dates for an average of 2- 3 months before ending it, is that the first ones are very good at "escaping" being intensive. Not the kind of thing i want to escape though. If it has to end eventually, i'd rather know it as soon as possible, and the only way to know it is by being intensive, spending alot of time together, talking and doing stuff. Talking about serious things, and not being afraid of investing in the relationship.

I remember last time I went to an astrologer, i was telling him my relationship at the time wasn't intense enough, was sort of superficial, and the astrologer surprised me by replying something along the lines of "intensity makes it die".... I guess he was thinking of pluto, intensity =death. But wont it die anyway if it has to? I dont get it. Help.
The only advantage that i see in taking it slow, is that it grows on more solid ground, which i guess is a good thing. I'm confused. I think I project myself too fast and then i think that if the person doesn't fall head over heels right there then it will never happen so its not worth trying it.
This is my impulse, not my reason.
I have been in a happy relationship for 3 months and invested fast and possibly too much. Now i'm thinking i need a plan B. I'm thinking maybe I imposed myself. And if I did, can it be fixed? how can i respect someone that let that happen? How can I not become cynical about the whole thing?
If everything is alright and there is no problem, why do I feel alone?

a) I feel alone because I am alone, of course. I moved accross the globe a few months ago and I dont make friends fast.
b) I feel alone because I delluded myself into giving and expecting too much out of a single person, a person that has a life, with hobbies, familly and friends.
c) I've felt alone all of my life with very rare momentary exceptions, so that is to be expected.
d) All of the above.

Not easy having saturn in the 7th in times like these. If i actually dont leave and try to stick through problems it can make the Other feel bad for causing problems, and sometimes that's the reason it ends. Sucks, huh? That's what happened last time. I have too many fresh bad experiences in my mind still. Its hard to be positive.
I'll try to pray about it. Its confusing to pray when you dont know exactly who you're talking to, but i beleive in the power of prayer. It prepares you energetically to receive whatever it is you want to atract.

I do take me

2009-03-24T03:28:00.002Z

"I do take me"

A poem that is a tribute to the most forgeotten love which is the love of self ... - By Astarius

I love myself with all my heart
Eternal knowing God in part
No more hatred, no more pain
Legacy of heaven mine to claim

once i really hated me
a self induced catastrophy
Others began to hate me too
Hatred's reflexion became my due

When i look in any mirror
each reflection is my own
if i dislike that which I am
Rejection by others will be shown

In self acceptance let me grow
to here by let all others know
I want others to accept me too
They only follow what I do

I ask myself to marry me
to thus fulfill my destiny
I promisse always to be true
Self love and honour I am due

Sweet self I'm sorry for the pain
Forgive and love me once again
I want me for eternity
a better lover than to be

Now every bond is sweeter too
For loving me is loving you
within the church of heaven's house
I do take me to be my spouse

www.astarius.com

30

2009-02-22T12:34:00.003Z

Estou neste planeta há 3 decadas :)

Um dia esquesito porque estou com uma constipação chata. Não de para celebrar da melhor forma, mas todos os dias são dias.
Vou dormir. .. ver se amanha estou melhor.

The Sims are calling

2009-02-19T05:31:00.003Z

A vida por aqui tem tido altos e baixos. Agora estou num dos baixos, mas a subir, espero.
Tinha estado a ter sintomas de depressão meios disfarçados, ou pelos menos diferentes do usual em mim, até que tive uma fase aguda há 2 semanas. comecei a tomar um antidepressivo no dia seguinte. Senti diferença no dia seguinte... os pensamentos já nao eram negativos, e quando lembrava de alguma situação má, já não sentia o mesmo que antes. Tomei paxil nos primeiros dias, e gostei, mas tive de mudar para wellbutrin, porque como nao tenho seguro de saude nao posso ir a um medico, e estou a tomar medicamentos de pessoas que tinham disto em casa por terem tomado durante mts anos, e o stock de paxil era mt limitado, o de wellbutrin eh quase infinito, estou a tomar 200 gr por dia.

Com o acompanhamento possivel, está a correr tudo ok. O WB é o melhor antidepressivo no mercado, dizem os medicos. enquanto o paxil é um SSRI (inibe serotonina) o wellbutrin funciona com outros neurotransmissores, ataca por todos os lados, mt eficaz. Mas o paxil era mais confortavel para mim. o wellbutrin causa alguma tensão, ao contrario dos outros antidepressivos nao é calmante, as pessoas ficam mais activas. tem algumas reacçoes com outros medicamentos, e causa sono mt leve, por isso estou a tomar outra coisa para dormir.. mas enfim, está a correr bem. sinto-me estável. No primeiro dia que tomei wellbutrin nao dormi nada, e no dia seguinte estive bastante pior , por isso nao dispenso ajuda para dormir para ja. Com o tempo os efeitos secundarios pode ser que diminuam. Tenho deitado 2 horas mais cedo.
sinto que isto foi a ajuda definitiva para parar a espiral descendente que a vida toma qdo ficou deprimida. Não tive de cortar horas de work como pensei que teria.
Enfim, mas este não era para ser um post mt sério. Era só para dizer que decidi dedicar a minha vida aos sims. Amanha vou reinstala-los no computador, e seja o que Deus quiser. :) Preciso de umas férias da vida real.

The bucket list

2009-01-31T07:56:00.004Z

I got this by email....

Hit forward and place an (x) by all the things you've done and removethe (x) from the ones you have not. Then send it to your friends(including me). This is for your entire life!

( x) Been to Europe
( ) Been on a cruise
( ) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X ) Been to Florida
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
( X) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Climbed a lighthouse
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
() Seen the Cherry Blossoms in Washington, D.C.
(X) Played cops and robbers( ) Flown a plane( ) Owned a boat
( ) Watched grandchildren grow
(x) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby
( ) Been to Key West
( ) Been to a rodeo
( x) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
() Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
() Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
() Seen the green flash at sunset
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Owned a convertible ( ) Bungee Jumped ( ) Caught snakes
( ) Eaten Anchovies
( ) Been in all 50 states 1. Any nick name? vivi
Mother's name?Ines
3. Favorite drink? mango lassi, hot chocolate, cherry pepsi
4. Body Piercing? ears, and nose once, not for long. i miss it sometimes.
5. How much do you love your job? lately not that much.
Birthplace? Merced, CA.
7. Ever been to Hawaii? No
8. Ever been to Africa? No
9. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? Yes
10. Ever been on TV? I think so. I was filmed a few times, don't know if it ever aired.
11. Ever steal any traffic sign? not traffic exactly, but a location sign. not my idea. my housemate from germany thought it would be a cool addition to our apartment, it was VERY heavy and big.
12. Ever been in a car accident? only motocyle. in the car i had a litle bump, wouldn't count that as accident. the moto ones were kinda serious though.
13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? two
15. Favorite number? 21
16. Favorite movie? spring summer fall winter, very zen and touching.
17. Favorite holiday? any that gives me a day off.
18. Favorite dessert? things with coconut and chocolate are usually at the top, but depends alot on the mood. once i had a passion fruit pudding that was unforgetable.
19. Favorite food? maybe pizza. when it's good, it's amazing.

20. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
21. Favorite brand of body wash? several, depends on the season. can't remember the one i'm using now, but it's good.
23. Favorite smell? smell of moist earth with plants, and... cement (on new constructions) , and ocean.
24. How do you relax? eating good food, breathing and meditating, music, talking to friends.
25. How do you see yourself in 10 years? maybe married with one or 2 babies, in a house by the ocean, or maybe single living in an ecovillage leading an excentric lifestyle, or any other way, it's a shot in the darj at this point, but either way i hope i will be living more fully than now, if that is possible, and it problably is.

more photos

2009-01-26T08:25:00.006Z

The girls i work with....I made this art project for valentine's day. christmas decorations out, new holiday decorations in, that's how it goes. they are very cute.

New friends. At the mystery spot, in santa cruz. :) weird place.

Chris and me, our first time in santa cruz.

I'll try to take some time to write soon. too many things have happened. i'm pretty busy!

new furniture

2008-12-18T06:57:00.001Z

don't mind the messy coffee table

or the spare tv...:)

Validation

2008-12-06T06:27:00.001Z

the law of atraction :)

Mais pics

2008-12-05T02:09:00.005Z

A pedido de várias famílias, seguem mais algumas fotos.

Esta é do walk-in closet...

My new quilt :D Sempre quiz uma.

O patiozinho... Comprei umas flores mas ainda não plantei.

O entertainment center/ dresser.... meio messy. A tv não dá nada além de dvds..... a não ser que eu meta tv a cabo. Aqui a Comcast tem o monopolio, e preços mt elevados.. por isso ainda não meti. entretanto agora tenho outra tvzinha no quarto que apanha os canais locais.

New home

2008-11-20T01:21:00.007Z

This is the new apartment, i just moved into last thursday. it will be a week tomorrow!

This bedroom set i found on craigslist, it cost 600 dollars! the matress alone was bought for 900. i saved more than $2000 on the bedroom alone.

then the couch costed $40. the couch, the kitchen ware, the coffee table, and the entertainment center which i just realized i forgot to take a picture of, i got from a guy i found on craigslist, that was moving and wanted to get rid of his stuff.. also a vacum cleaner, lots of other stuff. some lucky deals. I think the house is cozy and cute, and has LOADS of storage. so it«s not hard to keep it looking clean. the ktichen table was a mess there, because i just got home and put everything on it. but usually it's clean.

I'm tired from work.. it's getting more stressful there. I have no working tv... cable is very expensive here.. and mostly crappy stuff....so i'm not sure i'll get it or not. right now i'm listening to the litle radio that is in the bedroom... nice music and some news. geez. can't beleive i forgot to take a picture of the entertainment center.. it has the tv, some books, a painting, a picture, a sculped mask by Nuno Afonso which i LOVE. anyway. these pictures i took in a hurry, so my mom could see them now. i might take some more later.

i need to go find out how the laundry place works.. i'm a bit stresesed having so much to do. i need to learn to manage my time.

big sur camping

2008-11-05T02:10:00.008Z

Election Day

2008-11-05T01:52:00.002Z

So today is election day!

It was also my first day at work.

Lots of news... I took a picture of the official Ballot, I thought it might be interesting for those of you who will never see one. You get to vote for the president, representatives blabla, local school directors, and in 12 propositions (referendos) . one of the most talked about was prop 8 which wants to extinguish gay people's right to get married! prop 2 wants animal farms to be obliged to let all animals be free for at least half an hour a day, to strech limbs, wings, etc.

So i thought it was cool that we're able to vote for all these things all at once.

Next I will post pictures of last weekend...

Mix Pix

2008-10-27T03:09:00.007Z

Text

2008-10-26T23:26:00.002Z

No post abaixo seguem as fotos do fim de semana. Nas fotos nao se percebe bem, mas os meus olhos estão raiados de sangue, big time, mesmo á halloween porque na quinta feira fiz lasik, uma cirurgia com laser para tirar a miopia. Eu tinha aprox -6 dioptrias, e no dia seguinte tinha uma visao 20/25. Cada dia melhora um pouco. Dá para conduzir e fazer tudo normalmente, é miraculoso, libertador. Ficaram assim todos raiados de sangue no entanto. O que me fazia rir á gargalhada nos primeiros 2 dias sempre que me via ao espelho, pq tava assustador.

Ontem fui ao Sequoia National Park com o Jay - que é o homem todo hot que aparece nas fotos de vez em qdo - tirei mais fotos mas nas que não aparece uma pessoa na foto não dá para ter noção da proporção das arvores. Pareciamos uns gnomos :) Foi mt lindo. Fica a hora e meia daqui.

Não ando mt inspirada para fotos nem para escrever. A cirurgia lasik dava um belo post por si só. Se quiserem perguntar alguma coisa nos comentarios eu depois desenvolvo. Tenho de ir lavar uma transportadora de caes onde temos um gato a viver, e que ta toda imunda.... e ver se faço alguma coisa, tenho sido uma inutil por aqui estes dias.
Ta mt calor aki agora.. deve tar 30 e mts graus.
No parque ontem ficou frio depois das 4 da tarde.. dai as luvas e casaco. tinha mts avisos sobre ursos e como lidar com eles.. caixotes de lixo preparados á prova de urso. é proibido ter comida dentro dos carros, pq eles partem os vidros para ir buscar! mesmo fruta e coisas sem cheiro. tem que se deixar em contentores especiais. Não vimos nenhum felizmente, nem cascaveis.. so uns esquilos.
Outra novidade boa foi que descobri o meu mais recente CD favorito, nao sei se é o album ou a banda - acho que a banda - chama-se Illinoise...... fiquei in love.
Hasta =)

Sequoia National park + lasik + Jay

2008-10-26T22:49:00.007Z

Here goes the pictures. the text with all the news will be right up.

food for thought

2008-10-18T05:59:00.001+01:00

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
come through you but not from you,And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

-Kahlil Gibran

blue beetle II

2008-10-13T23:14:00.003+01:00

JA TENHO NET EM CASA!!!!!!!!!! NET MOVEL! uma cenazinha que se mete no pc, e tem net onde eu o levar. Até custa a crer. um mes sem net!...

blue beetle

2008-10-12T21:41:00.002+01:00

é a foto possivel. tirei-a agora de dentro do cafe onde estou, está estacionado mesmo á porta.. depois tiro umas melhorzitas, por agora fica assim.

Aqui fica o texto que escrevi ha uns dias:

It´s been a while! Mas finalmente venho deixar algumas novidades. Aqui não tenho acesso facil á internet nem sei quando terei para já.
A notícia mais recente é que comprei um carro! Um beetle dos novos, azul. Lindo. Usado, já eh de 99 mas em bom estado, custou 5 mil dolares.
A noticia mais recente depois dessa é que tenho conhecido pessoas muito boas aqui, que me estão a apoiar e ajudar bastante. Sinto-me muito próxima dos açores aqui, com tantos açorianos. No dia a seguir a ter chegado fui comprar um telemóvel, e os 2 empregados da loja tinham costelas açorianas. Assim como a rapariga que me atendeu qdo fui abrir uma conta no banco, e uma pessoa que estava a passar por lá e ouviu dizer que vim do faial. Mts mts açorianos, de varias gerações.
Estou com os meus tios numa cidadezinha mt pequena no meio do nada, eles vivem a 10 minutos dessa cidadezinha, no meio das vacas e pó. Não é um lugar bonito nem cheira mt bem, mas tenho sido muito mimada aqui pelas pessoas.
Uma dessas pessoas contratou-me para trabalhar com ela numa residência de pessoas com deficiência grave, e tive de fazer teste de tuberculose e tirar as impressões digitais para poder começar a trabalhar la, fui fazer as impressões digitais na quinta feira mas entretanto as umas semanas a vir os resultados, e surgiu outra oportunidade de trabalho num escritório de veterinários. Não surgiu exatamente, pessoas ptguesas que trabalham nessa residência de ppl com deficiência foram a procura de algo melhor para mim, já que tenho curso universitário e aquele trabalho na residência seria mt duro, teria de fazer o que chamam de peri-care que inclui pentear dar banho, mudar fraldas a adultos com deficiência grave, todos os dias… e ganhar quase nenhum $$.
Na 2 feira vou entregar os papeis da candidatura para esse escritório de vets e saber mais detalhes sobre as funções e $, fui hoje la buscar a application, gostei do lugar e penso que eles vão querer que eu fique lá, pq falo ptgues, e eles são brasileiros e tugas (os vets e funcionários).. e todos os clientes falam ptgues. São veterinários de vacas, cavalos, ovelhas.. e as leitarias são todas de tugas aqui a volta. Penso que vou aprender a fazer raio X as vacas, e analisar leite das vacas num laboratório, e ser receppcionista.
Foi uma aventura comprar o carro.. tenho andado a procura e aconteceram umas peripécias com vendedores mt insistentes e com mt imaginação. Mas o que me vendeu este carro era diferente, gostei dele. Depois registar o carro ate foi simples.. e arranjar a matricula para ele. Falta fazer seguro, consertar o cinto de segurança e por o leitor de cds a funcionar.
Agora voltando a um registo de diário,
Hoje sexta feira foi um dia freaky, depois de um dia perfeito ontem. Melhor começar por ontem… ontem comprei o carro e tratei das papeladas e inspecções no DMV, que é a direcção de viacção daqui. Depois fui buscar o carregador da bateria do pc e uma coisa para desblokear o fone que chegaram por correio finalmente, depois fui encontrar-me no starbucks com um grupo de senhoras que dirigem as residências de deficientes, para me falarem deste trabalho no vet, e de como posso fazer para ter os 2 empregos, e ate um terceiro a ensinar a patroa a mexer em computadores e internet. A patroa eh faialense, a outra não sei de que ilha eh, e a outra eh metade açoriana e metade alemã. Depois fui jantar ao Dai Bai Dang que eh um restaurante fantástico, asiático, e comi cashew chicken como sempre, que eh uma coisa maravilhosa, galinha saltaeada com cajus, castanha de agua (nhami) baby peas, cogumelos… é maravilhoso. Entretanto bebi café para aguentar a viagem de 45 minutos de volta para casa, e já não dormi mais… fiquei a tentar desbloquear o telefone com o tal aparelho, e consegui, só que ele não recebe chamadas, esta configurado para fazer tudo através da Vodafone.. o seja o software ta todo vodafonizado, e mesmo desbloqueando não adianta grande coisa. Os fones são ambos nokia até. Mas o nokia tuga não funcionava com cartão daqui. Aqui quem tem os nokias é a AT&T. vou ter de comprar um aqui mesmo. Comprei um mt baratuxo só para ter um numero aqui ate desbloquear o meu, mas eh bastante mauzinho, nem tem escrita inteligente nem nada de nada , é um stress. Isto vindo de alguém que detesta fones e sempre disse que so queria um telefone que faça chamadas e envie msgs. Mas o som também não eh bom, e escrever msgs eh uma noia naquilo. E como o desbloqueamento não adiantou nada, vou ver se compro um melhor.
Finalmente adormeci depois das 5 da manha, ainda mt agitada do café, e acordei por volta das 7 com crianças de 2 anos a fazer esterco. E foi o inicio de um dia um cado crappy. O ponto alto do dia foi brincar com 1 cachorrinho fofo que deve ter 1 mês, que a minha prima tem. Amanha estou a pensar fazer filhozes e ir la oferecer-lhe, ela tem 5 filhos que os vão devorar. E aproveito para brincar com o puppy outra vez. Tem 2 puppies mas um deles só queria dormir. Eles tem aquele hálito irresistivel que os cachorrinhos tem. Mas não ando nada inspirada para cozinhar aqui. Cozinhei 2 x so, um chilli com carne e cinnamon rolls, ambos fizeram mt sucesso.
O resto do dia, depois de ter ido buscar os papeis para candidatar me ao tal emprego, foi a tentar dormir e a arrastar-me do sofá para a cozinha e ocasionalmente até ao carro para olhar para ele ou para o lavar, =). Desde ontem a temperatura desceu mt e ficou muito vento, e o carro esta sempre cheio de poeira. Já tinha saudades do frio. O fim de semana penso que será chatinho.. Talvez amanha vá para um cafezito no tower district onde há net wireless grátis e comer um bagel enquanto posto isto no blog e mato saudades da net. Também posso ir para o best buy enfiar-me na secção de guitarras e tocar um bocadinho, tem cada uma la! Espero dormir bem hoje. Take care. E peço desculpa ter demorado tanto a mandar notícias. Depois de saber se fico neste emprego vou pensar onde vou viver e aí posso por net em casa. Para já eh assim…

soon to come

2008-10-12T01:41:00.002+01:00

I will update soon!!

ja escrevi um documento em word para fazer copy paste para o blog da proxima vez que tiver acesso a internet no meu pc, que nao eh o caso agora. nem uma pen consegui encontrar hj para gravar aquilo para aki.
nao tenho net aki, eh triste. daki a uns 2 dias posto novidades e talvez foto do meu beetle azul :)
bjos

Love

2008-09-18T02:29:00.003+01:00

Estou de ida para los angeles dentro de poucas horas. Tenho estado totalmente inconsciente da realidade desta mudança radical. hoje cai um pouco em mim e finalmente acabei de fazer as malas.
Vivi tantas coisas em lisboa. Espero viver mais algumas. A vida é longa e cheia de mudanças, por isso não faz sentido despedidas. Pra frente é que é.
Estou mt grata pelos amigos que fiz. Adoro-vos todos.
sem mais palavras...

Aprender

2008-09-14T16:46:00.002+01:00

Vou transcrever um texto que me deram há uns meses num workshop de "falar em público"...
na altura não prestei atenção no texto em si, apenas reparei que algumas das pessoas lá ficaram mt sensibilizadas, e guardei-o para ler mais tarde. Há dias nas arrumaçoes da viagem encontrei o texto, e agora o "terreno estava fertil" para recebe-lo.

Depois de algum tempo aprendes a diferença, a subtil diferença, entre dar a
mão e acorrentar uma alma.

E aprendes que amar não significa apoiar-se e que companhia nem sempre
significa segurança.
E começas a aprender que beijos não são contratos e presentes não são
promessas (...)
E não importa o quão boa seja uma pessoa, ela vai ferir-te de vez em quando
e precisas saber perdoa-la por isso.

Aprendes que falar pode aliviar dores emocionais.
Descobres que se demora anos para construir confiança e apenas segundos
para destrui-la, e que podes fazer coisas num instante, das quais te
arrependerás pelo resto da vida.

Aprendes que verdadeiras amizades continuam a crescer, mesmo a londas
distancias. E que o que importa não é o que tu tens na vida, mas quem tens na
vida.
Descobres que as pessoas que mais te importam na vida, são tiradas de ti
muito depressa; por isso, devemos sempre deixar as pessoas que amamos com
palavras amorosas; pode ser a última vez que as vemos (...)

Aprendes que paciência requer muita prática (...)

Aprendes que, quando estás com raiva, tens o direito a estar com raiva, mas
isso não te dá o direito de seres cruel.

Aprendes que nem sempre é suficiente ser perdoado por alguem, algumas vezes
tens que aprender a eprdoar-te a ti mesmo.

aprendes que com a mesma severidade com que julgas, serás em algum momento
condenado.

Aprendes que não importa em quantos pedaços o teu coração foi partido, o
mundo não pára para que o consertes.

E, finalmente...

Aprendes que o tempo não é algo que possa voltar para trás.
Portanto, planta o teu jardim e decora a tua alma, ao invés de esperar que
alguém te traga flores.
e percebes que realmente podes suportar... que realmente és forte e que
podes ir muito maias longe, depois de pensares que não podes mais.
e que realmente a vida tem valor e que tu tens valor diante da vida!

E que a principal causa, que nos faz perder o bem que poderíamos
conquistar, é o medo de tentar!

William Shakespeare

Fim de um ciclo

2008-09-12T06:12:00.002+01:00

Estou a fechar um ciclo que foi de muita aprendizagem, em lisboa. Aprendizagem a todos os níveis.
Como é natural no fim dum ciclo.. há muitos fins a acontecer, neste momento, directa ou indirectamente relacionados com a minha partida para os eua. Vou na proxima semana já, para a California (afinal).
Estou em processo de despedida da minha vida, não dramatizando muito, porque nunca se sabe o futuro. Posso vir ca parar outra vez, tudo é possivel.
Estou meia perturbada, carente, algo solitaria. Nesta fase as relaçoes com os verdadeiros amigos tem melhorado, e com os menos verdadeiros tem quebrado. E ambas são tristes. Vou ter saudades. Estou grata por tudo.
Vim para lisboa no fim de 99. Vivi nesse ano com uma alemã da minha idade, estava a fazer voluntariado em lisboa ha poucos meses quando cheguei. Ficamos mt amigas, e aprendi muito com ela. Vivemos mts aventuras, aprendi a ser turista com ela. Turista da vida.
Descobrir a astrologia foi um dos grandes marcos deste ciclo. antes disso tornei-me ateia. foi um passo ainda mais dramatico e radical mas que possibilitou partir em descoberta de coisas maiores e descobrir Deus com os meus proprios olhos. Aprendi mt mais coisas. Aqui vivi saturno na 3, na 4, na 5 , 6 e 7.. vou a meio da 7. Grandes lições.
Pergunto-me se o ciclo que aí vem trará tantas mudanças radicais. Vou tentar não esquecer nenhuma das que já aprendi.

Pics du jour

2008-08-23T22:51:00.004+01:00

Pico visto da Caldeira.
Viagem no Cruzeiro das Ilhas de volta a Horta.
Manhã após a "observaçao de cetáceos", 4 horas ao sol forte, grande escaldao, lábio inferior inchado e m dorido, cara cheia de creme gordo... foi o dia do inicio oficial do meu retorno de saturno. Um dia estranho.

Um peixe Rei.... apanhei-o hoje :/ ia devolve-lo a agua mas ele engoliu o anzol, e n tive coragem de o matar pra tirar.... depois de ele morrer e eu nao conseguir mm tirar o anzol acabei por cortar a linha. meio traumatizante. Mas nao é lindo? ao menos ficou pra foto.. congelei-o. Não sei bem o ke fazer c ele.

Eu e Neptoon...... á saída do museu de scrimshaw do Peter's.

whale watching

2008-08-21T03:30:00.008+01:00

summer 2008

2008-08-21T03:09:00.007+01:00

De volta :)

2008-08-09T17:12:00.002+01:00

not much to tell, era so para oficializar a minha alta.

Dia #14

2008-08-06T14:37:00.002+01:00

Agradecimentos á Martinha pela visita e pelos biscoitos* e a Elva e ao Rui pelos rosegones e roupa lavada, e pasta de dentes e etc.

Ontem acabei o antibiotico, e hj o organismo esteve diferente, acordei com infecção urinaria outra vez. Em compensação a bilis ja nao está a sair, sai um liquido rosado e opaco, o que é bom sinal. O medico pareceu indeciso de me dar alta ou não, que é a pior coisa que podia ter feito, é mt dificil nao saber se fico ou vou. estou assim praticamente desde que fui internada.
a infecção dá umas guinadas de dor que me tem deitado abaixo..... enroskei-me na posição fetal e choraminguei.. depois decidi ir para um sitio mais privado e dar largas a minha natureza pisciana. Não chorava tanto desde o assassinato da Lara.
Nem qdo o namoro de quase 1 ano acabou eu chorei a sério, nem quando tinha dores no pós operatorio que me fizeram pensar que estava a morrer, varias x por dia.. até que percebi que por pior que fossem nao matavam. Eram tao fortes que o coração disparava, nao conseguia respirar, e depois tinha vomitos e tremores. Varias vezes durante o dia e noite. Nunca tive vontade de chorar até agora. E o chato é que qdo fico assim não melhoro facilmente. Se me dessem alta hoje ou amanhã o mal ja estava feito, agora não apetece fazer nada.

ps- se nao me derem alta amanha eu fujo =P ou no minimo apanho taxi e vou pra casa e volto á noite. watch me.

Dia #13

2008-08-05T12:40:00.004+01:00

Estou cá há 13 dias! (desde 24 de julho) Ontem tirei os agrafos da barriga, eram 9. O dreno está praticamente seco mas ainda nao me dão alta até secar totalmente, porque pode causar infecções se a bílis ficar lá dentro.

Ontem tive uma companheira de quarto, de 26 anos, foi operada a um tumor no intestino, e hoje está nos cuidados intermédios aqui ao lado. E está cá hj uma senhora mais velha de uns 60 anos que vai ser operada a vesicula esta tarde. Veio com uma companheira, penso que são um casal.

Está ca uma senhora que foi operada aos intestinos e teve uma complicaçao, está cheia de coagulos, e m dreno subcutaneo que é mudado todos os dias, está numa situaçao que nao me queria imaginar nela, mas é mt simpatica, e damos uns passeios aki no corredor todos os dias. ontem contei lhe que fiz um bypass, e ela ficou mt contente, pq a filha dela tambem fez ha 2 meses, e ficou radiante de ver os meus resutlados. mostrei-lhe umas fotos antigas. a filha dela é decoradora do querido mudei a casa. lembro de a ver 1 x na tv, é gira, vai ficar toda hot depois de emagrecer tudo.

Sinto falta de comer lasanha, seitan com natas e cogumelos, bolachas rosegones, café e ver a Oprah e qq canal que não os gerais. E sinto falta da minha cama e alguma privacidade.
De resto o staff aqui é mt querido.
O médico que está ca hj é açoriano. é fofo. os pacientes tb são queridos e simpaticos, pessoas mt boas. fico a pensar que so acontecem desgraças a pessoas boas.
tou cheia de fome... perdi uns 4 kgs parece-me. ha pouco tempo a roupa ja me apertava, e agora eh o oposto, os ossos a espetarem no pescoço. Estive uns 5 dias sem comer , a soro, e agora sao refeiçoes normais.. significa ke passo fome em alturas como agora, e daki a pouco vem um almoço gigante, e eu como um nico e nao aguento mais, e depois passo fome outra x :P

Queria agradecer ao ppl que me visitou: Luis M., Herbie, Elva e Rui, Ruben, e principalmente o Fernando que veio cá varias vezes e ficou mt tempo.
Tou a ouvir as rodas do carrinho do almoço :P é a minha dica.

update

2008-08-03T10:12:00.002+01:00

estou internada desde dia 25, fui operada de urgencia á vesicula
e houve uma complicaçaozita, agora tenho de esperar ate se resover. os medicos dizem k eh imprevisivel. acho que mais uns dias.
entretanto ontem e hj apanho um nico de rede dum vizinho do hospital. se puder volto a escrever depois.

Over The Rainbow

2008-07-21T21:14:00.001+01:00

E nem tudo são desgraças :)

2008-07-20T20:14:00.000+01:00

Acabei o curso! :) Tive 17 a estatística! hurray!

Uma desgraça nunca vem só

2008-07-20T12:37:00.003+01:00

É bem verdade este ditado...

Estou de luto pelo fim da relação em que estive no ultimo ano, pelo fim dos planos que fiz para o futuro, pelo fim dos amigos que comecei a fazer, por uma vida que eu gostava de ter tido. Pelo fim das ilusões, da ingenuidade, da esperança.

Fecha-se um caminho, abrem-se muitos,desconhecidos e talvez alguns deles me possam fazer mais feliz do que este faria.

Sinto-me mt triste... por todas as perdas que isto implica.
Sinto-me zangada pela falta de comunicação e preparação, pela falta de coragem ou de conscienca para assumir os medos e receios no tempo devido, pela falta de maturidade desta escolha que não foi a minha, pelo conjunto de circunstancias que levou a que tantas pessoas todas elas boas e inocentes se magoem tanto.

Estou determinada a nao cometer os mesmos erros e acreditar mais nos meus instintos.

Mother Blackie

2008-07-18T01:58:00.005+01:00

This is Blackie with my nieces :)
She absolutly loves children, from age 1 to 10. She stares at them and sits next to them if they are small. if they're bigger she wants to play. she protects them.
my mother is telling me some cute stories of her and my nieces. She's the best dog ever.
She went back to the azores yesterday. I'll see her in a week.

New post

2008-07-17T19:16:00.002+01:00

I've been wondering how would it be if it had happened to me.. the murderer near my home. Instead of Lara... I could have been walking there, like I have many times.

By the way, I think they're found the killer. It's a guy that has raped a girl before, a mute girl, he broke her arm. He was seen on his motobike at the time.. it happened between noon and 2 o'clock, he was carrying something, hiding something. I think it was him. He problably meant to rape her and then one thing lead to another, she had a slow death.

Anyway, maybe it's my piscean victim side, but I think it's very likely it would take a couple days until someone went looking for me.
The fact this become so public, she become famous, makes me think of her stellium in transpersonal signs. they problably were near her ascendent... her eyes are just like a friend of mine's who is cancer with capricorn rising, and her mouth is just like an aquarius I know. the transpersonal planets have an effect beyond the individual level... whatever...
i need to go study. sorry and thanks.
i think i'm getting tired of writing in english. should i change back to portuguese?

Life after death

2008-07-15T03:02:00.005+01:00

Not trying to play around with semantics (which I find a very annoying habit some people entertain), and fully ackowledging death (in this as in most contextes) refers to physical death, I'll say I beleive there is no end of life. Life changes forms: bodies, shapes, levels, Forms are Maya =illusion. Change is the only death there is. The life core in us keeps existing even if the body dies.

I'm not minimizing physical death at all, like most people with a pseudo-spiritual perspective tend to do: "oh I'm not afraid of death at all, I can't wait to be with God"
I'm actually defending otherwise.... In my spiritual journey so far I've found that the spiritual world isn't that separate from the human one, the more human we are the closer to our soul we are, at least at some point in evolution.this is a very debatable subject... tradicionally we're taught that spiritual people don't have sex, don't enjoy food, don't enjoy life, the more they punish they're bodies and their emotions the closer they are to their spirit. I beg to difer. I think if you're in a spiritual level so high you're not meant to live things that come natural to having a body then u have no business being incarnated.

Under a light hypnotic state I've regressed to 2 deaths of past incarnations. One of them I was about 30 years old, died in a road accident, I re-lived a feeling of shear panic, of knowing I was crashing and then sudden absolute peace. Having read many books about regressions, I quickly figured I was re-living a death, and I tried to look back to that life and do a review of major events, but I just remembered the accident in memory, with no panic this time. and then I felt a very light sorrow for having died that young.

Second event, I re-lived a death by drowning which happened at about 8 years old as kid with lots of big ambitions and I felt very angry for having died and lost all the opportunities I had planned for that life. I rebeled against "destiny" or whatever it was that made the ship sink..it wasn't directed at anything actually, but I just did not accept this death, as the ego of a kid and as a soul.

So what makes sense to me, is that death is rarely a part of our soul's plans for life... it's a major set back in our evolution, because we have to start over alot of things, and it means coming back again and more often, everytime we died before our time. I beleive the physical death is often as unwanted by our souls as our survival instincts/reflexes would make us beleive. -> Unless it's a natural death or a planned death. I don't beleive at all that crimes are ever part of the souls plan, it's a crime to Man and to God.

world gone nuts...

2008-07-15T00:12:00.004+01:00

I'm not in favor of death penalty, which isn't to say I'm not in favour of violent criminals being subject to popular justice, if it helps anyone else feel better about things.

The reason I'm not in favor of death penalty is of course because people fail and lots of innocent people are killed because of death penalty. The reason I'm in favor of popular justice is because I'm beleiving people will know for sure who the criminal is, and because I don't care much about the criminals rights if it makes the victims feel any better.. it's their karma to take if they think it's worth it.
I would like to be able to make that choice if someone killed (violently like in Lara's case) someone I loved. I wouldn't care if I went to jail or even died.

I'm talking about this because this is something I just learned about myself, living through this tragic story. I now understand "popular justice" very well. Theoretically/rationally I'm against it, because it may lead to more problems and all.... and irrationally and emotionally it's something I would do and not regret.

I just found out a guy my age killed himself. His familly is friends with mine , but I didn't know him. He was working with my uncle in the states.. but didn't adapt well. He was problably very depressed.

It's really important people have psychological help and are informed about depression. I wish I'd had a chance to talk to him, and to people that think about suicice. depression is delusion. Anyway. my mom's in shock. She knows the parents well. The world is crazy.....

I saw lots of couples fighting out loud in the street today. WTF...

"news"

2008-07-14T21:16:00.002+01:00

http://ww1.rtp.pt/acores/index.php?article=3163&visual=3&layout=10&tm=7

Here's the link to the news on RTP Açores about the crime...
it's in portuguese.

this morning people were saying they had found the killer, but not. they just interrogated a few people and let them go.

R.I.P. Lara

2008-07-13T15:33:00.002+01:00

This is the natal chart and transits of Lara, a 19 year old girl that was raped and killed near my house in the azores yesterday morning..... her body was found in the woods in the afternoon by her father and uncle.

I didn't know her, I know her familly and everyone that knows her... the crime happened in a desert road crossing woods by my house. no one lives there, only 1 inhabited house half kilometer by. She was on her way to work at a restaurant. She was going to college in a few months. She seems really intelligent and interesting and beautiful. by her hi5 page i figure she wanted to study physics. I bet she was a great student.

Everyone's in shock. Her 20 yr old cousin and neighbour died in an accident 2 years ago... his father is her uncle that found her. My sister went by the place that afternoon and heard the men screaming in the woods. I keep imagining it and crying my eyeballs out. She was half naked, raped, and with 3 holes in the head.

This is the island's 9/11 event. Nothing will be the same. Inocense has been lost.

I meant to talk about her transits..... notice Saturn and Mars conjunct each other and conjunct the south node. these are the strongest planets in her chart. Mars rules her sun mercury and venus and all those are square saturn in capricorn. I can't see her chart as I write this. I don't know her time of birth, so the ascendent might be wrong.
I think the man that did this won't make it to jail alive. I hope they cut all his limbs and throw him in the ocean.

Log

2008-07-12T01:48:00.002+01:00

Guy says:
still awake?

Me says:
yes

Guy says:
not sleepy?

Me says:
sleepy yes...

Guy says:
but...?

Me says:
But when I'm sorta depressed I get kinda anxious
and I get an urge to search
for a cure...
a distraction

Guy says:
What kinda cure?

Me says:
ideally, spiritual illumination, mas normally I stick to some entertainment

Guy says:
ok
If I can help in someway....
just ask....

Me says:
I wanted some inspiration to write..

Guy says:
Maybe I could be your "ninfo"....

Me says:
no thanks

Guy says:
ok....
But what do u write?

Me says:
a blog, observations and such

Meme

2008-07-11T00:17:00.002+01:00

Devilmood had this meme in her blog.
25 questions but only one word to answer each of them.
Here's my go at it...

1. Your cell phone? forgotten
2. Your significant other? Caring
3. Your hair? ok
4. Your mother? undefined
5. Your father? critical
6. Your favorite thing? nature
7. Your dream last night? fait-divers
.8. The room you're in? livingroom
9. Your fear? rejection
10. What you're not? cynical
11. The last thing you did before logging on? walked the dog
12. Where did you grow up? island
13. Favourite drink? mango lassi
14. What are you wearing? pajama
15. Your TV? is ignored
16. Your pet? blackie
17. Your computer ? my best friend
18. Favourite place? sintra
19. Your mood right now? bit anguished
20. Missing someone? not really
.21. Something you're not wearing? shoes
22. Love someone? I do
23. Your favorite color? turquoise
24. Kids? scary
25. Your life? weird

dressed up

2008-07-01T01:49:00.003+01:00

This was at a wedding a couple weeks ago. I hadn't dressed up like that in many years!
I saw that dress on tv hostess and I seeked it for weeks. I finally got it on sale which was really lucky. I love it.

Rules in love

2008-06-28T05:35:00.002+01:00

I went to see the movie Sex and the city tonight. I loved it.
At some point near the end, in a sort of conclusion, Sarah says "we write our own vows for a marriage, why don't we make our own rules?"
and this reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago, when i started to feel the first saturn in the 7th influences, and I started thinking about relationships. I actually made a blog dedicated to thinking about it. I never did write much there. I wondered why do people enter relationships without discussing or agreeing with wich rules they want to live by, why not adapt to each other whatever rules makes both happier.
It does take a minimum of emotional health to do it, but most people have that potential. to adapt and learn, and forgive, and start again, understand.
I started to think about this because I knew too many guys that lied to their girlfriends about things they needed in a relationship but never told them about it, because they weren't "acceptable" to the girls. Then i wondered why would a guy accept to be in a relationship were the rules she accepts are not rules he knows he can live happily by. it's never an honest relationship, it's always a lie, and my sag moon just thinks that's so obviously not-a-way-to-get-anywhere-good that I just don't understand it, it's beyond me. And so I decided to just worry about my own relationships and what I can do to make them honest and real.

So in this movie the girls were following rules that weren't their own and it made them miserable and then that changed and things fell into place.
Why do people take for granted rules that aren't their own in such personal things as relationships?

How to Deal With Unreasonables

2008-06-04T00:33:00.005+01:00

This is from wikihow... it was helpful for me.
Here's the types of unreasonables and how to deal with them:

The Arguer - Argues frequently, often for no reason whatsoever.Arguers will often have little idea what they're talking about, but once they say something, they won't give up, insisting that they're right and you are an idiot, even if they have been proven wrong, but they just don't want to admit it.

The Explosive - Freak out at the tiniest thing, making you feel like a moron.Explosives are a bit of a variation from Arguers. They will argue a lot, but more violently, sometimes yelling or hitting until you cave. Explosives don't usually lash out at people they don't know well, but they can sometimes.

The passive-agressive - They won't argue, but still very unreasonable. Makes you feel guilty or stupid without directly showing it.They use body language to show you they're angry, and that you are in big trouble. Often they will try to pretend like they're not angry, but you know.

How to deal with each one:

In the case of Arguers: if they say something wrong, and you want to correct them, or say something that may start an argument, think to yourself: Is being right really important right now? Is this an issue really worth getting into a big hubbub about? A lot of the time, the answer will be no, and in this case, I would let it go, ignore, it, or, just agree. Would it really matter if you're wrong a few times?

In the case of explosives: try to use the arguer strategy before they get out of control. This isn't always possible, sometimes an Explosive can catch you off guard when you thought there was nothing wrong. If they do get into a screaming spree, sometimes, it will still work to just agree, give in, just make sure you don't do it in a way that seems passive-aggressive, this drives explosives nuts. Avoid any arguments after this point, because while an explosive is calming down, he/she is still a ticking bomb. The tiniest of things could set him/her off, he/she may even be looking for things to get mad about. Just pretend that nothing is wrong. Act like they are having a civil conversation, but don't make a point of it. If you seem to obviously ignoring the outburst, this comes out as very passive-aggressive. Remove all emotions from your being. Don't react to their explosions. Don't act angry, scared, happy, sad, or even some degrees of nonchalant. Just be after a while, your unreasonable may get bored of the fact that he/she is getting no reaction from you. This helps things.

In the case of passive-aggressives: it is a first reaction to get angry. Passive-aggression is meant to make a person tick, meant to hit them hard. It's hard, sometimes to ignore this, because it makes people so angry, but you need to put real effort into it. You shouldn't strike back with passive-aggression, because that would just make things much worse for you. Act nonchalant to their aggression. Act like you don't get that they're angry. Try to lighten the mood, even. Don't laugh, though, don't get 'happy' all of a sudden, this'll make your unreasonable very angry. Just change the subject. If you can get to a lighter topic, you might be able to switch him/her to a happier mind set, which is definitely a plus.

I know all three types. The arguer is the witch neighbour. the explosive is my father, and the passive agressive let's call her D.R.N.

Astrologically there's not alot to say about the arguer, they just have a messed up mars-mercury going on and not alot in their lifes to inspire them, or let's be real about it, they have litle ability to be inspired, they have tiny souls and tiny minds.

The explosives could be people with venus in scorpio, which is the case I know. Scorpio moons tend to be like that a bit too. This is because scorpio venus and moon crave intensity and action. So I loved how the way to deal with them is to bore them, by frustrating them. This is what I learned do early on in my life, to deal with my father problably. Hence my aqua rising which is good for poker faces. It can have the same result as a passive agressive when dealing with an arguer, because by not reacting, by being neutral, the arguer gets to project whatever crap they have inside, and so they may get madder, they're insecurities grow stronger. This is true as a reaction for arguers only though. For explosives I agree that it works well. Which is a good sign for them. I think it means they are rational somewhat.

Passive agressors are typically people with mars -venus stuff, like mars in libra and mars in the 7th house. they can be very sick if they're not aware of their intentions. sometimes they are and are just too 'coward' (i don't mean to offend, i really prefer passive agressives to brutal agressives because you can actually comunicate and try to figure what's wrong, though i have to say it does end up to be "unreasonable") to act any other way. They tend to get a kick out of pushing people's buttons, they live their mars (anger, agression) vicariously through others this way.
Besides DRN, my mother has this, and I think she has no idea about it. She has never reflected upon herself and found that she gets a kick out of mad people, maybe because she atracts people pathologically angry and no sain person would enjoy that, so i beleive it's very blocked in her subconscient.
Now imagine my parents together. they've both got venus in scorpio so they get out of it alive, or reborn might be the word. scorpio dies and reborns all the time.

I'm really glad I know astrology, and know i have a different energy and I'm not at risk of getting into this type of thing. Not as bad as this at least. I've lived my venus square pluto consciently and learned from it fast enough. and my saturn venus connections are harmonious, beautiful trines. they make me beleive people that are mean to me love me, that's why they're mean to me, also, they're mean because they're a bit sick in the mind, but that doesn't mean they can't love. :) Also I get to choose to not be around them if I don't want to deal with their type of hard love. So it's good.

What are your venus issues and how do u deal with them?

Microcosmos

2008-06-02T19:12:00.002+01:00

I love staring at ant nests, I get hypnotized. As I walking the dog a couple days ago. I found one and was looking at it while the dog peed somewhere near it, then the dog started to scratch the dirt as to cover the pee and lots of dirt went over the nest. A tragedy, similar to a tsunami or a big earthquake was hitting that nest.

And I wondered if the ants would be thinking "Why would God allow such a tragedy to happen to us good working beings? what kind of world is this where awful things happen with no apparent reason? There is no God!"

Isn't that what people think when a tragedy hits their lifes?

Maybe God is constructing itself through us, and whatever choices we make, by for example, killing bugs because they are in our way, similar things will happen to us sooner or later, we'll be on the way of something bigger.

I'm Neo-Pagan

2008-05-29T02:18:00.002+01:00

I took a test online here http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8058_1.html
to figure what religion do my beleifs resemble. Turns out I got 100% neo-pagan. I had never heard of it before, but it's true. I identify with all of the following:

Neo-Pagans are a community of faiths bringing ancient Pagan and magickal traditions to the modern age--including mostly Wicca but also Druidism, Asatru, Shamanism, neo-Native American, and more. Neo-Pagan is an umbrella term for various and diverse beliefs with many elements in common. Some Neo-Pagans find no incongruence practicing Neo-Paganism along with adherence to another faith, such as Christianity or Judaism.
•
Belief in DeitySome believe in a Supreme Being. Many believe in God and Goddess--a duality. Many believe there are countless spirit beings, gods and goddesses, in the cosmos and within all of nature--God is all and within all; all are one God. The Great Mother Earth, or Mother Nature, is highly worshipped. Divinity is immanent and may become manifest within anyone at any time through various methods.
•
IncarnationsNo human incarnations are worshipped in particular, as all of nature and the universe are considered embodiments of God and Goddess, or of gods and goddesses, worthy of respect, reverence, or worship.
•
Origin of Universe and LifeGenerally, there is no conflict between observations revealed through science and Neo-Pagan beliefs on origins of the physical universe and of man. Many believe in a supreme intelligence that created a duality of God/Goddess who then created a spirit world of gods and goddesses as well as all of the universe and nature.
•
After DeathMany believe in reincarnation after some rest and recovery in the "Otherworld." There is generally no concept of hell as a place of punishment, but some believe wrongdoing can trap the soul in state of suffering after death. Some (Wicca) believe the soul joins their dead ancestors who watch over and protect their family. Some believe that life energy continues in some, if unknown, form. Some believe in various spiritual resting places. Many say we don't or can't know what happens after death.
•
Why Evil?"Evil" is imbalance. Most believe there is no evil but rather that people sometimes make mistakes. Wrongdoing results when we forget we are one with the universal spirit.
•
SalvationThe concept of "salvation" is essentially irrelevant; rather the belief that people can attain spiritual balance and harmony with each other and nature. The path includes group ceremonies, dances, songs/chants, prayers, meditation, trance, altered states of consciousness, the metaphysical, magic, invoking or evoking deities or spirits, Tantric practices. Intercessors are commonly used: psychics, seers, shamans, tarot, Oui-Ja board. Ethical choices are influenced by a belief that one is rewarded or punished within this or after this lifetime for one's choices and an ethical code to do no harm.
•
Undeserved SufferingMost do not believe in Satan or any spirit being as the cause of suffering. Some believe in a karma-like principle, that choosing to live a life of wrongdoing and pain will naturally result in suffering in this or later lifetimes. Many view suffering as a result of spiritual imbalance in one's life or on the planet or in the universe. The focus is generally on healing suffering rather than answering definitively why it exists.
•
Contemporary IssuesAbortion is not condemned, as there is no official doctrine; beliefs about abortion range the full spectrum. Views on divorce, homosexuality, and gender equality are generally very supportive of human differences, equality, and personal choice. Many believe that involvement in community action, especially regarding environmental concerns, is integral to the belief in human interdependence and worship of the Earth Mother.

Ugh

2008-05-26T22:23:00.005+01:00

I'm glad I have this blog where i can let my dark side loose sometimes. I'm trying hard to get in touch with it and feel confortable, it's hard. I don't know how to make it.

I'm having major saturn in the 7th issues. Mars has just entered my 7th too. I've got this neighbour, a women in her 40's living in the building next to mine. She spents her days by the window ironing clothes, from 9 to 5. She makes a lunch break. She seems capricornish, a very low level one, the frustrated and obsessed with rules kind. When I take the dog out I usually let her off the leash so I don't have to be 2 feet near her when she pees, and so she can run and etc. There's usually no one outside, like today. This woman sees the dog without a leash and she freaks out, says "I've told you I don't want this dog out here without a leash, I'm calling the police, you must be retarded..etc" She's getting more pissed off because I usually ignore her, I haven't disrespected her at all, I just ignore her and move away with the dog, I ignore her because I don't talk to people I don't know if they aren't nice to me, why should I? I imagine this is normal for her. And she doesn't think it's normal that I ignore her like the rude nutcase she is. She's threatened my friends that took the dog for a walk when I'm not at home, and she's told them I must be retarded. this is her impression on me, for not talking back at her. She must think either I'm retarded or I'm despizing her, so being retarded seems more likely. She thinks the street is hers problably. That's what I asked her today, if she thinks the street is hers. She says the police will come to my house to get me.

She's inside her house shouting out the window, I can't iamgine she's afraid the dog will fly into her window and bite her in the ass... the dog isn't agressive at all. I just don't understand what her problem is.

anyway, Ignoring her doesn't seem viable anymore. I'll have to deal with this everyday or adapt my life so she never sees my dog again wich is hard if she's at the window all day long.
I'm really poisoned with anger by now and I keep thinking what I'll say to her. I want to kill her with words, I really do. I want to make her shit in her pants. I'm having all this hate feelings and it's making me think of my saturn opposite mercury. I'm very insecure with words. this doesn't apply much to writing, because writing is a very saturnine thing, but talking is totally different. this also made me miss my ex scorpio friends, who had a really poisonous mouth, they would call her all sorts of things. And i'm thinking why don't I do that? would it make me feel better? I have no idea. I've never done that. I think it would. Except it sounds really silly and agravating, to go down to someone's level and say mean things, even though you mean it. But if it made me feel better I definatly would.

I'm taking time to let this be in my life and think about it because I think this is a lesson I should learn. A lesson to not transcend things, to actually be incarnated and be affected by people like I am, and learn to respond. I just don't think there is a way to win in such situation. I know I'm sick of people using me to get their dirt out. This woman is frustrated with her life, who wouldn't be? I bet she's very afraid of many things, and that's what moves her. But why should I put up with it? Do i have a choice? Meaning, will I feel better? also, I have a really strong mars and pluto. If I declare war I'll go all the way until the police arrests me, I'll could loose control. I'm considering that too. Anyway, next time i'll tell her to mind her own business and we'll take it from there, maybe she'll back off. She doesn't bug the nighbours dogs, I'm sure they've told her some nice things. People from Lisbon are very used to dealing with people like this. I wonder if it's a local thing.

I wonder if this is the time to get into a fight. with saturn in the 7th and all. It's opposite my sun exactly right now. I'm very unconfortable. ... I have aries in the 3rd house, and neighbours really get to me, they do. I go balistic. But being who I am, i don't act on it, and then I think about it for days, weeks. and that's not good. it's not good.........
sorry if all these bad vibes rub off on you. I hope not. I just needed to vent.

See For Yourself: Inside Gemperle Farms

2008-05-24T14:03:00.001+01:00

veggie week and more

2008-05-24T13:37:00.004+01:00

I've been busy and stressed this week, but not necessarily productive.
I made it through vegetarian week just fine. I cooked some wonderful seitan yesterday and a mix os whole grains, and some couscous with coconut which i just had for breakfast.

I watched La graine et le mulet a couple days ago, it's about fish couscous, people trying to open a restaurant where that would be the main dish, and it made me want to eat couscous. It's really simple to make, and tastes quite nice.
I put 3 measures of water to 1 of couscous. first let the water boil, with some salt and I put more sugar then salt, to make it a bit sweet. after boiling, take it out of the fire and put the couscous and shredded coconut in, and mix it for a while until it grows , then add a couple spoons of butter and put it back in the fire and mix until it's dryer. Then I put it in muffin shaped things and baked it for a bit. to make it crunchy on top.

Anyway, I love Blackie with all my heart, she's the best dog ever. She was attacked yesterday, by a stupid german shepperd, half her size, and she didn't attack back, which made me proud of her, she ran away, but she got bitten in her cheek and ear. It was really upsetting. The owner of the dog was afraid to push his dog away! Idiot! Blackie never attacked back, she just tried to escape and scare the dog. She could have killed that dog in no time.
I remember many years ago I had 2 big dogs that got into very nasty fights sometimes, they almost killed each other. One of them had been trained to hunt foxes or something, he came to our house when he was really old, and he killed a few of our cats. He bit me 2. I have a scar on my finger from it. He was called Whiskey. Anyway, the dogs where about to eat each other, and I was in panic. We had a huge thing nearby with water inside, a plastic thing, about 1 meter diameter half full of water, and the adreanline made me strong enough to pick it up and throw the water on the dogs, and they imediatly ran in different directions. I felt like a hero.
After the dog attacked blackie, she ran away, then I gave her some water and petted her, then we played with rocks again. And the other dog showed up again, and I didn't let her come near, I tried to scare her (it was another female) and she kept coming, so I threw some water on her and she ran away :D just a drop of water was enough. So if you ever have problems with dogs just throw water on them, and they'll run.

Back to the vegetarian week issue, I was watching videos on youtube about farm chickens..... to say it was horrific is quite fair..... horrific to imagine living beings treated like that. You'll have to see for yourself. It's also horrific to imagine eating meat that was treated like that, and problably full of diseases and bad nutrition. I hope to never buy non organic eggs again and avoid chicken meat.
I'm sharing a video of the battery chickens. I saw lots and lots of videos like that one, this kind of chicken treatment seems to be mainstream and totally legal! So it's really important people boicot this and only buy organic eggs or chicken meat from people that have chickens in goodconditions, where they are free and treated with respect. Both for their sake and our health. I beleive food has energy and I beleive in karma, the energy you create will come back in some way. So I'm aware of this now. It's really sad what animals go through. I felt really good about not contributing to it this week, and about having payed twice the price I usually do for a pack of organic eggs instead of the other ones.
I wish I knew how chickens are treated in Portugal, these videos are about the states and england, and the laws there.. human slaughter law. I wish I knew how things are done here. I'll try to find out.

World Vegetarian Week 2008

2008-05-18T06:02:00.001+01:00

I will do it. I totally agree with him...Wish I was veggier more often...:|

=)

2008-05-16T20:47:00.001+01:00

Blackie, the rottweiller

2008-05-12T16:14:00.004+01:00

here's blackie, fully awaken now!

She was smelling cat accross the wall.

She was staring at the rock I was about to throw. She loves to fetch rocks. Balls or sticks she doesn't care for at all, only rocks. She'll go fetch the rock and bring it back for another go untill she's tired which can take a while.

It was a great day though. I brushed her coat today, she really needed it.

In Portugal it's illegal to have a rottweiller that hasn't been castrated or steriliezed, and to walk them without a mouth protection so they won't bite, and a leash... they're tryign to exterminate the race. It's absurd.

I let her walk freely, because her leash is really short, and besides no one seems bothered by her. She minds her own business. She played with another dog this morning which was fun. Most dogs around here aren't very social. She's not very predictable though. You can't mess with her alot if she doesn't know you, she threatens to bite. I can mess with her all i want and she won't, but she thinks about it... She loves to ride in the car with her head in the wind, and yesterday I took her for a litle ride and then she hadn't had enough, she wouldn't leave the car. I had to force her. And I could tell she was upset about it, she knows she's stronger then me, but she respects me enough to not fight too hard. It was upsetting because I was sick yesterday and didn't need that kind of behavior from her. usually I would've closed the door and let her sit in the car a couple hours until she got sick of it or thirsty. All in all we're doing fine, she's sweet and very playful.

Meet Blackie

2008-05-09T13:07:00.004+01:00

My familly's 100 pound rottweiller. She was meant to be shipped to brazil today, along with my mother, but she was missing an authorization from the brazilian consulate... no one told us about that. So she didn't go. She camae from the azores yesterday, she took a muscle relaxer. She took a few more this morning as she was supposed to be asleep during the flight.. Now she's snoring in the floor next to me.

She has a pink tongue. She's likes to run after rocks. The "plan" is to ship her back to the azores on sunday. I'll keep her here meantime.

Life II - saturn in the 7th

2008-05-09T10:53:00.004+01:00

Devil Mood said...
Did that happen recently? That sounds like hell. But I really enjoyed reading that, even though I don't have much wisdom to offer (from one saturn in the 7th to another lol - we should write a book with this title, don't you think?)
Oh the lessons I'll have to learn until my return. I feel like I haven't learnt a single one, to be honest.

This happened exactly a year ago! It was hellish. I felt exactly that that before, like I didn't know anything at all about relationships, truely. This must be normal then, before the return. But maybe you won't have to learn the same things as I did. I made very silly mistakes, out of naiveness. I've seen very few people that would make the same kind of mistake.

With saturn in the 7th you'll see the worst in other people, and hopefully feel at peace with yourself, and learn from naiveness mistakes. I learned I need to be aware of other people and not project myself onto them, because no matter how good the things I project onto them, if it's not reality it will never turn out to be a good thing. People don't feel good if u expect them to be good, because they might not be used to being good... or not want it.

Also they problably feel ignored if u deal with them in a non realistic way, and they're right. People need to be seen as they are. For me it doesn't come natural to look at someone giving out weird signs and know what's on their minds. I've always thought people were like me. This is what most people will do. naive people. This is a terrible fault for someone on a psych route. It's a distorted form of empathy.

Another big effect of all this was I learned to value really good people. Good men. I've always liked nice boys, but not too nice, that was boring. Now that changed, nice is not boring, it's valuable. I'm so glad this changed, because now I've found a good man, the kind I know I can trust forever.Before i wouldn't be able to deal with all this niceness.
Anyway, Saturn is hard but the lessons are pure gold. =) It's totally worth the tears you cry.

Life

2008-05-08T04:30:00.004+01:00

These are my current transits:

Low energies - Saturn opposition Sun: Mid September 2007 until mid June 2008
Elegance and taste - Jupiter conjunction Venus: Mid March 2008 until mid November 2008
Setting sail - Uranus trine Uranus: Beginning of April 2008 until beginning of March 2009
Crazy - Uranus square Moon: Mid April 2008 until mid March 2009
Half-hearted efforts - Neptune conjunction Mars: End of April 2008 until end of November 2010
Pruning your life : Saturn conjunction Saturn: 21 August 2008 until 6 September 2008

Maybe because I'm exhausted... but I feel on the edge... like I won't take crap anymore, from familly...... nevermind other people. This fits the "uranus square moon" description. Hidden tensions coming to surface. I don't feel it's a nervous reaction, like it would be if I was just tired. I feel meditative.
I feel afraid of taking crap from people and loosing my mind, I feel I'll have to choose if that happens. Me, my life, my sanity or letting them have their way. And the choice is easy now. I'm not afraid of consequences anymore. I have backup, and if it fails, then it's not worth hanging on anyway, so it's ok.

On a different subject... (this night has been prolific in bad memories)
I've also been thinking the first and very important lesson this saturn return in the 7th has brought was quite unpleasent but totally necessary, since I was way out of touch with reality. It made me learn the hard way that people can hate me, for one, and not tell me about it. I wasn't aware of that at all. How can people hate me? I'm a people pleaser. I'm nice. My whole familly is nice. not to each other, but to others, yes. I grew up surrounded by very good people, and I learned very late in life about the bad people out there.
So, saturn is in the 7th, exactly conjunct the DC, opposing my sun and mercury. This particular situation was one of those almost movie like scenes, where I was in a public bathroom in school and 2 colleagues came in not knowing I was there, and one of them (which I considered a friend) was trashing me like you couldn't imagine. The other was trying to calm her down. I can't even remember exactly how it felt, it was so traumatic. I remembered I went through a pletora of emotions, confusion, embarrassement, then I became very angry, and defeated at the same time. This was the moment I learned this can happen. People can imagine things about me that are not true. (That was a saturnine person by the way)
Two days before a guy I thought I loved and thought loved me back had left my house never to return, or talk to me again, Because of something aparently harmless I said impulsively. I had been crying so hard I thought I would die. I had just gotten the energy to try and face normal life, try to get my mind off that very disturbing event. And now this. It was felt so intensily. It was marked in my cells. I hardly recall consciently how it felt, but the effects are very much with me to this day, and I'm very very grateful. It made me much more careful, much more self protective, which I wasn't at all before. Valueble lesson.
I also got vaccined against being impulsive in relationships for good. Talk about a saturn in the 7th start. It made me not bare the idea of ending a relationship again, exposing myself to any more people, meeting famillies etc, to have it all end in an impulse. all that could go wrong in relationships did at this time. And I was all ears for saturn...."saturn, please teach me how to never have none of this happen again". I'm wiser now. Oh, this didn't make me hate people more. It made me appreciate some people alot more. Opposites always come together. By becoming aware there are nasty people, I value good people more. I became more realistic in relationships, and it stabilizes me alot. I learned I am the best barometer for finding good people. Now when I'm confused about someones good intentions I ask myself, what would I do in this situation, and usually if it's not what the person did, I don't take too long to figure out what their intention might be.
I wasn't born very perceptive of people's intentions, but I'm learning. I like it. I have pluto, I will survive. It pays to be good, I've always known that. I felt very at peace with myself during that transit. It was pretty intense and complex. I wonder what will happen in august... THE saturn return. o_O

Burning Monk

2008-05-07T13:10:00.003+01:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thich_Quang_Duc

Born in 1897 – died June 11, 1963

This person was a Vietnamese Mahayana Buddhist monk who burned himself to death at a busy Saigon road intersection on June 11, 1963. He self-immolated in protest for the persecution of Buddhists by South Vietnam's administration. Photos of his self-immolation were circulated widely across the world and brought attention to the policies of the regime. After his death, his body was re-cremated, but his heart remained intact. This was interpreted as a symbol of compassion and led Buddhists to revere him as a bodhisattva, heightening the impact of his death on the public psyche.

Very impressive. "Life's not worth living until you've found something worth dying for".
I read this quote somewhere and never forgot it, because it's so "mars in aquarius" - I thought - working for something bigger then you makes life make sense. This monk makes life make sense by "stating" that the body and the material are illusion, the body is temporary. He died for a cause, a human and spiritual cause. It's worth thinking about. I kind of envy the monk. Don't you?

Rambles

2008-05-04T23:49:00.004+01:00

I want to find something new to cook..... urgent. a new pastry.
I just realized today how come I gained 3 kgs in one month. I went off the pill. it makes me loose weight, unlike most people. I'll go back.
I guess this means I don't have to diet as much.

I want to cook somethign exciting. my cookies have reached their peak and are fastly getting worst. It freaks me out.
I have nothing important to say today. so I should be quiet. I'm slightly stressed and needy. I need fresh air.

Amma on Fox News

2008-05-04T02:51:00.001+01:00

Amma on ABC Chicago

2008-05-04T02:47:00.001+01:00

Amma On CNN

2008-05-04T02:43:00.001+01:00

I'm hoping to go see Amma in Spain later this year with my fiance and have her bless us, that will be our marriage, spiritualy. I'm very excited about it.
A friend of mine has been with Amma and says it is a spiritual experience to hug her. The love is palpable even in her videos.

Awakening the Mother

2008-05-02T21:02:00.003+01:00

This is a tiny pisces baby we met last week...... I think we connected. Pisces connect alot with each other. See how they swim in flocks? That's what happens. Notice his upset face while with my cancerian man...

Now, notice his peaceful smiling face looking deep in my eyes. Yeah...

Babies are pure spirits. This is what I'm realizing.

I read a couple days ago how a transit of jupiter in the 12th house is good for getting pregnant. It makes sense.. then when jupiter (expansion ) goes on the 1st (how u look) you get huge.

Then today someone on the street gave me a flower for Mother's day... which will be sunday.

All this mother energy going around me. I would actually be happy if I got pregnant now. Not that it's a good time at all. But it rarely is anyway. I want a pisces baby. That means I need to get pregnant in July! :)

Let's see what Ben says about that. :) I love his genes. He loves kids. So far so good.

Botanic Garden

2008-05-01T23:13:00.008+01:00

This tree has some kind of plant over it.... it was amazing, so tall! A person could live in there.

I'm chubby, I gained 3 kilos from all the cooking. I kind of like it. But I want to loose 6 kgs. I need to get a grip before the clothes stop fitting.

Amazing ancient trees..

this is actually a bathroom now. Gorgeous one!

My smile was getting old cause Ben decided to wait for the cat to go by, so it would be in the picture. I love this tree and the old building.

Translation

2008-04-29T23:11:00.004+01:00

A lovely soul translated the song Pachad for me! And it's as beautiful as I thought, if not more. Here goes:

Fear

a dim fear cover the eyes
i want you to wait for him alone
connecting my hands, and tell me to ask
give me a handwant you to folding to him
want you to wait for him forever
white courage pushing me into the water
want you to get wetcome to me
shining the skys for me
give me a hand, want you to try by yourself
this is the time that you will bloom forever
swim alone now, he says
want you to bloom forever
its time that you figure out who you are
give me a hand, give me a hand, give me a hand,
want you to try by yourself
this is the time that you will bloom forever
swim alone now, he says
want you to bloom forever
its time that you figure out who you are
who are you? who are you? who are you?

It seems she's talking about the symbolism of learning how to swim, taking a risk and finding who she is, outside de parents grip. I love it. Swiming is one of my favorite things. I feel it defines me too. It makes me bloom and feel totally free.

mix pix

2008-04-28T19:14:00.005+01:00

Inside the famous building! :) The 120 year old bookstore in downtown Lisbon.

Outside de bookstore.

Largo de Camões, this picture was taken from inside the brazilian consulate, where I had to go this morning. Nice view.

Portinho da Arrábida. This is the closest to paradise I've seen. These mountains are magical, alot of peaceful energy. they have ancient convents and monasteries sprinkled around.

A fox. It was very relaxed.. Maybe desoriented. She stared at me while I was trying to get the camera to work.

Yael Naim - Pachad

2008-04-28T00:38:00.001+01:00

This is one of my favorite songs. I don't know what she's saying, but here are the hebrew lyrics:

pahad amoom otef et ha-enaym
rotze shetehakee lo levad
kosher li tayadaym, omer teethaninee
ten li yad
rotze shetetkapli elahv
rotze shetehakee lo la-ad

ometz lavan dohef oti lamaym
rotze sheteratvee
bo elai
meir li et hashamaym

omer ahshav tesshi
ten li yad
rotze shetenasi levad
hegia zman shetifrehi la-ad

omer ahshav tesshi levad
rotze shetenasi la-ad
hegia zman shetegali mi at

ten li yad... ten li yad...

ten li yad
rotze shetenasi levad
hegia zman shetifrehi la-ad

omer ahshav tesshi levad
rotze shetifrehi la-ad
hegia zman shetegali mi at

mi at.. mi at

Yael Naim | New Soul

2008-04-25T02:58:00.001+01:00

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOOOOOOOOVEE this song and many others she sings!

This is what she says about this song:
“a new soul, in this foreign world, hoping to learn a little”? “It was when I was really young that I sincerely believed to be an old soul reincarnated and I could even say it gave me a sense of superiority over others. But then as I subsequently did everything the wrong way round I concluded that it was actually my first time on earth and that I should learn to be a more humble.”

It's very pisces-aries shift! My progressed sun entered aries this year. (this happens once every 350+ years)
It's a shift from the last sign to the first. From "divine" caos, merging with All, utter fog, total sense of "been there done that", bah, to being primal, thirsty for life, directed, instinctive, genuine, fiery, naive, babyiesh. this would be the archetypal change from pisces to aries. It wasn't nearly as extreme but I identify so much with this song. Old souls learning to be new ones, letting go of the past, being simple.
The video is so cool. The beauty of accepting the destruction of the past and welcoming the new.

Lisbon - Chiado

2008-04-24T22:45:00.003+01:00

This is old Lisbon. It's pretty, isn't it?

The Artist's retreat

2008-04-24T18:30:00.008+01:00

I spent this day with my friend Nuno Afonso =) check out his website:

http://www.agrios.blogspot.com/

He is an old soul. I love him. I think he is a genious. His paintings and sculptures are for sale, you can contact him on the website if you're interested. Just don't buy Quis ut Deus (means Who is like God?) , I want that one! I'll buy it when I'm not so poor. It's mt favorite painting in the world. I'm kidding, u can buy it. He can make more. I love them all.

Little retreat

2008-04-24T00:48:00.004+01:00

Memories of a day spent at with a friend, cooking bagels and turkish delights, and watching ants carry their food around..... Aaah!... the simple life. =)

Lead the Way

2008-04-21T00:58:00.006+01:00

I'm feeling like doing a "dear blog" post.
I'd like to share about my life. (for once something totally different haha) It's been a bit about paperwork and trying to decide wether to move to florida or california, or anywhere else.. getting stuff ready to ask for a visa for my boyfriend/fiance, finding my birth certificate. Looking at jobs for people with my education on craiglist, trying to figure what's out there, looking at house prices.... It's not like I have someone advising me about things, or having life plans all set out for me wether i like it or not, like I'm more used to. Sometimes I feel that would actually be welcome now. I'm having to decide wether to take more risk or less risk. I would love to live near San Francisco. It's so me. But i'm also really tired of big cities, and it would be really really expensive there. Being me is expensive. :) Joking.

The big city thing is complicated, because in fact I just miss silence, and being in a beautiful place with no other or few people. And I'd rather be in a good neighbourhood. I loved experiencing that in Florida. And growing up. Being in a bad neighbourhood is not fun, especially for a pisces or someone that tends to blend with the context. It's not stimulating. People tend to be stupid.. that's the truth. I don't mean being poor means being stupid but it does tend to go like that =( I hope this doesn't sound like a bitch capricorn venus talking. Big cities are stimulating. They CAN make u smarter. They CAN make you a better person, because you actually get to live your life and not worry about what neighbours will think or say. Living in a small place you get no such liberty. without liberty there's no creativity, no life. So in cities u get to make mistakes and learn from them. This makes u a better and more loving person. You'll need that once you have to educate your kids to live in a dangerous place. In the islands people are rough, they know litle about how to treat kids, so kids get married as soon as they can to escape.. or they run away. Maybe they'll step on cow shit on the way. That's the worst that can happen there. In a city they'll get killed or be abused in some way for sure.

About the smartness part, the brain is a muscle too. Mine has changed dramatically since living in a tiny island in the Atlantic and moving to a big city and all it implied. Actually after living for 20 years in a village with 200 people, and enjoying it somewhat, it doesn't scare me much to do such a change eventually. But I don't really see my BF doing that, he's a uranian type too. 12th house, but conj the asc. Our needs are very similar there.
As I was trying to say, I'm just tired of lack of quality of life in cities. But if u live in a good neighbourhood, you have the best of both worlds. If u don't have the money for it, be frugal and creative until u do.
this is the advise I'm giving myself and bf, though he doesn't need advice, he's been amazing with all this. Have I mentioned I love him more each day? We have saturn trining our ASC, and I sure feel it. It gets better with time.
We're praying God will open doors and show us the way. We will have enough help I think, from familly and maybe friends, but we need to know what it is that we want. How high to aim...
This reminds me of my astrology consultation..... learning to make saturn my sun's servant. telling him what it is that I want, asking him how to get it. Maybe that is my saturn return's lesson. I'll have the exact return in august.

(Photo is an "Art Car" in San Francisco"! "We're going to san francisco, lallalalal :) )