God bless Chris for saying this.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
synchronicity, lack of
I love coincidences. They are supposed to be divine interventions. I beleive that. We don't always figure out why they happened, but most times we can and do.
I've been paying attention to syncronicities for a couple of years now, and it always makes me feel it's a God thing happening.
The problem is I haven't had that feeling of Godly orientation, divine order, for some time now. I thought it was a neptune transit... I'm in the fog. At a time where I need to make big decisions about my life.
But problably the point is to get into myself, meditate. and not look outside for orientation.
This is hard because I'm not a real meditator. I get distracted, bored, sleepy. Sometimes I do get orientation, but maybe 20% of times..
This would be a great time for an angel to show up in my room and tell me he has a message from God.... "This is what the God in you wants Viviana's life to be about, and here's how you do it: first blablabla..." That would be precious. I'm tired of subtle hints. I need more faith. And guts.
I've been paying attention to syncronicities for a couple of years now, and it always makes me feel it's a God thing happening.
The problem is I haven't had that feeling of Godly orientation, divine order, for some time now. I thought it was a neptune transit... I'm in the fog. At a time where I need to make big decisions about my life.
But problably the point is to get into myself, meditate. and not look outside for orientation.
This is hard because I'm not a real meditator. I get distracted, bored, sleepy. Sometimes I do get orientation, but maybe 20% of times..
This would be a great time for an angel to show up in my room and tell me he has a message from God.... "This is what the God in you wants Viviana's life to be about, and here's how you do it: first blablabla..." That would be precious. I'm tired of subtle hints. I need more faith. And guts.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Recipe canadian squares
On a more mundane level, I'm now posting this recipe. It's a dessert. I know it's a canadian dessert, because the 2 women I saw doing this both had lived in Canada for many years. [post scriptum, it's now 2 days after I posted the text outside the [...] and thanks to Kashmiri, I now know these are called Nanaimo bars, after a city in Vancouver, how cool is that! I made some more again today, they're a hit]
I made this recipe today.
The ingredients: one and a half or two packs of cookies, a simple kind of cookie (Bolacha Maria for us in Portugal), a pack of butter (real butter) , 2 cans of condensed milk, 1 pack of shredded coconut, a bar of dark chocolate and 3 spoons of peanut butter.
First:
-Shred the cookies into power... this can be tricky. I wrapped them on a kitcken towel and smacked it on the counter. some people may use a more intelligent approach... figure it out. It slip off my hand and went all over the kitchen, hahah. I then put the butter on a litle pan to melt the butter and then put the semi sliced cookies inside and smashed them with a wooden spoon. The result of that you spread on a ......hmm.. my kitchen vocaulary is short.. well, you spread it on a thing that you can get into the oven, a flat thing. :)
- Then get it into the oven for 10 minutes, It's supposed to make it more crunchy.
-Then mix the coconut and the condensed milk and put it over the cookie and butter mix.
- Then get that into the oven for more 10 minutes.
- Then melt the chocolate and peanut butter, with a bit of water, tiny bit of water, half a cup.
- put the chocolate mix on top of the other layers , let it cool a bit and get in into the refrigerator. about 2 hours later when it's cool, you can slide it in squares, of about 2 centimeters, and they're ready to eat!
this is one of the most delicious desserts I've had in my life. It's abnormaly caloric. :D You can deep fry the squares for extra calories hahaha. :)
Enjoy.
PS- On top is a not very good picture of the squares. They are DELICIOUS! they should be cut a litle smaller then this.
Friday, December 07, 2007
(write title here)
I'm having a bit of a writers block these days. Not that there isn't anything to write about, on the contrary...
So, I think it all started with an astrology consultation I had last week...
Made me think alot. I learned about saturn. And I learned I need to find my center, my Sun. Align myself with my soul and figure what it is that I want. What's my dream. And then ask saturn how to make it happen. I had never though of saturn as my servent. And so this is shifting my world these days. I'm empowered.
I've been trying to get in touch with my dreams and needs. Funny enough unlike what I thought and the astrologer thought, I don't think my professional path will be mystical. I use the word mystical instead of spiritual, because I think everything we do can be spiritual, no matter how pragmatic it is. My life will always be on a spiritual point of view, because that's where my conscience level is at. But I might not be working with mystical things.
I'm uranian and neptunian, and plutonian. the transpersonal planets are the strongest in me. I'm an alien. Some people call people like me Star Seeds. And it makes total sense to me from what I've been reading. What I also figure, is that the more evolved you are the more you'll have the hability to fit in, to love. Instead of geting a kick from being different like uranian people do. Or getting an ego kick from people thinking you are spiritualy evolved, like leos and most people do. The most evolved people are out in the real world. either being mother theresa's or being scientist or just normal average people.
Two days ago I saw a woman talking on tv, she was a catholic, she was enlightened. Her life changed, and from her speech and the light she had I knew she was for real. There are so many paths to the Truth. Only love is real. So where is love? I want to follow love.
It's not where i thought it was. (Be a light to yourself - Siddartha ) I find that so far i'm the closest source to love that I know. I mean, I find love when I meditate and am aligned with my Source. My goal in life is to be an open vessel for that kind of love. Because it's the only thing that heals and that makes sense. nothing is more effective then that. lots of other things are more effective then being a psych therapist. I think i just need to do things that have practical imediate results. So i think I'll be happy taking a litle turn into a more medical area. Like neuroscience.
Pisces- virgo, the serve or suffer axis. This is so right.
So, I think it all started with an astrology consultation I had last week...
Made me think alot. I learned about saturn. And I learned I need to find my center, my Sun. Align myself with my soul and figure what it is that I want. What's my dream. And then ask saturn how to make it happen. I had never though of saturn as my servent. And so this is shifting my world these days. I'm empowered.
I've been trying to get in touch with my dreams and needs. Funny enough unlike what I thought and the astrologer thought, I don't think my professional path will be mystical. I use the word mystical instead of spiritual, because I think everything we do can be spiritual, no matter how pragmatic it is. My life will always be on a spiritual point of view, because that's where my conscience level is at. But I might not be working with mystical things.
I'm uranian and neptunian, and plutonian. the transpersonal planets are the strongest in me. I'm an alien. Some people call people like me Star Seeds. And it makes total sense to me from what I've been reading. What I also figure, is that the more evolved you are the more you'll have the hability to fit in, to love. Instead of geting a kick from being different like uranian people do. Or getting an ego kick from people thinking you are spiritualy evolved, like leos and most people do. The most evolved people are out in the real world. either being mother theresa's or being scientist or just normal average people.
Two days ago I saw a woman talking on tv, she was a catholic, she was enlightened. Her life changed, and from her speech and the light she had I knew she was for real. There are so many paths to the Truth. Only love is real. So where is love? I want to follow love.
It's not where i thought it was. (Be a light to yourself - Siddartha ) I find that so far i'm the closest source to love that I know. I mean, I find love when I meditate and am aligned with my Source. My goal in life is to be an open vessel for that kind of love. Because it's the only thing that heals and that makes sense. nothing is more effective then that. lots of other things are more effective then being a psych therapist. I think i just need to do things that have practical imediate results. So i think I'll be happy taking a litle turn into a more medical area. Like neuroscience.
Pisces- virgo, the serve or suffer axis. This is so right.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Job search
Lots of important things have happened today and yesterday. I'll get into that tomorrow maybe, not today. I didn't get any sleep and feel too weird. I'm looking for a job. I'd like to inform the Universe that I'm open to the perfect job for me at this time in life. Can you hear me, Universe? I'm ready for it. You know how to find me.
Yeah, job searching can be exausting. Shouldn't be as much for me, this is supposed to be the area of life where I'm lucky and have good karma. Here's the astrology:
Jupiter in the Sixth House 6th hs
This is a very useful placement, because it enables you to learn through working. You are able to put off getting something you want at the moment in favor of a goal that is more distant and usually more meaningful in the long run. By doing this, you grow in maturity and understanding. You will gain a great deal by giving to and working for others, which may not pay off immediately, but eventually it will bring you more than you can imagine.
You need to find work that is meaningful for you. Dull, repetitive and seemingly pointless tasks will turn you off very quickly, for you do not have as much patience as some people. But if you know that your duties are important, you will carry on with them until the very end.
As you get older, you will try to understand the world and people through work and service to others. You will be most attracted to fields that expose you to as many different kinds of people and situations as possible. You may work in a foreign country or with foreign people.
Jupiter Trine Midheaven
This aspect will be extremely useful, first by helping you find the right direction to take in your life and, second, by enabling you to make others feel positive about you and eager to help if you need it. You have a strong sense of social responsibility, a feeling that you should give your life over to a purpose that is useful to the world. You will always get along easily with authorities. You know that they have something to teach you, and you are willing to learn from them. You will always have a project to work on, because you hate to be idle, either in mind or body. Usually you are busy with some consuming interest, which may mean more to you than being with others. You feel that you are self- sufficient, that your activities are enough to give you a sense of fulfillment in life.
This is true, I'd be sure to hire me if I were an employer. I beleive the Universe conspires to realize your wishes once you put them out there, so this is me doing exactly that.
My perfect job would be 30 hours per week, using my skills in psychology or astrology, or translating, or all of the above and maybe some other skills I might have, maybe computer skills or driving skills! And i'd be payed for it, a fair amount. I'd be happy with that.
Thank you Universe, in advance.
Yeah, job searching can be exausting. Shouldn't be as much for me, this is supposed to be the area of life where I'm lucky and have good karma. Here's the astrology:
Jupiter in the Sixth House 6th hs
This is a very useful placement, because it enables you to learn through working. You are able to put off getting something you want at the moment in favor of a goal that is more distant and usually more meaningful in the long run. By doing this, you grow in maturity and understanding. You will gain a great deal by giving to and working for others, which may not pay off immediately, but eventually it will bring you more than you can imagine.
You need to find work that is meaningful for you. Dull, repetitive and seemingly pointless tasks will turn you off very quickly, for you do not have as much patience as some people. But if you know that your duties are important, you will carry on with them until the very end.
As you get older, you will try to understand the world and people through work and service to others. You will be most attracted to fields that expose you to as many different kinds of people and situations as possible. You may work in a foreign country or with foreign people.
Jupiter Trine Midheaven
This aspect will be extremely useful, first by helping you find the right direction to take in your life and, second, by enabling you to make others feel positive about you and eager to help if you need it. You have a strong sense of social responsibility, a feeling that you should give your life over to a purpose that is useful to the world. You will always get along easily with authorities. You know that they have something to teach you, and you are willing to learn from them. You will always have a project to work on, because you hate to be idle, either in mind or body. Usually you are busy with some consuming interest, which may mean more to you than being with others. You feel that you are self- sufficient, that your activities are enough to give you a sense of fulfillment in life.
This is true, I'd be sure to hire me if I were an employer. I beleive the Universe conspires to realize your wishes once you put them out there, so this is me doing exactly that.
My perfect job would be 30 hours per week, using my skills in psychology or astrology, or translating, or all of the above and maybe some other skills I might have, maybe computer skills or driving skills! And i'd be payed for it, a fair amount. I'd be happy with that.
Thank you Universe, in advance.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
coldest weekend ever
This is in the highest mountain of mainland Portugal. Serra da Estrela. I've NEVER been so cold in my life as I was in these pictures, specially the first one. My face froze. It's gorgeous though.
Friday, November 23, 2007
"Surgiversary"
I had my gastric bypass 2 years ago, yesterday :)
been a nice ride all in all. Or at least it's nice to think so. I was supposed to have celebrated it, as a rebirth date, but i was too lazy to do that. Though I had a nice evening, going out to Bairro Alto, having some "jaquinzinhos" - they're tiny fried fish - and some nice white wine, with my boyfriend and his father. We're heading to the snow tomorrow, at Serra da Estrela. It has been snowing there a bit since last weekend.
been a nice ride all in all. Or at least it's nice to think so. I was supposed to have celebrated it, as a rebirth date, but i was too lazy to do that. Though I had a nice evening, going out to Bairro Alto, having some "jaquinzinhos" - they're tiny fried fish - and some nice white wine, with my boyfriend and his father. We're heading to the snow tomorrow, at Serra da Estrela. It has been snowing there a bit since last weekend.
Hopefully iIwon't freeze my ass there. Haven't bought proper winter clothes. I need a nice warm coat.
That's the bad thing about loosing so much weight, you need to keep buying new clothes for 2 years, while the weight is coming off you need to keep getting new stuff. So I started to buy mine second hand mostly, I find great things at Humana downtown. I have tons of big old clothes to give them too. I love to buy like 2 dreamy pairs of jeans (sometimes i'm lucky to find some already cut the right leg size for me), 3 shirts, and some shoes for less then 20 euros! Makes my day.
Humana is amazing. They accept 2 hand clothes that people donate and then sell them really cheap, and the profits go for charity. And maybe 20% of the stuff there is really good quality and nice taste. others are so kitsh it's funny to look at. Something for everyone there.
I weigh around 60 kgs now. I think that may be around 120 pounds. My body mass indicator says i'm normal :) not morbidly obese, not obese, not excessive weight.
I find that i'm loosing apetite though. Right now i'm starved, I know this because I feel a bit weak and slight headache, i haven't eaten in a few hours, but i don't feel like eating anything. It's strange and sometimes I get scared. Mostly because people are telling me i need to stop loosing weight, and it's just not happening, even though i eat half a can of condensed milk a day, on top of regular meals, Not sure I understand this . I lost 2 kg (4 pounds) at least in the last 3 weeks. Eating condensed milk almost everyday which is a calorie bomb. I'll ask the nutricionist about this. I have a feeling eating high sugared things can be causing the faster weight loss lately, as contradictory as it might sound. But it isn't so absurd. If i'm constantly starved like i have been mostly, the body goes into survival mode, and doesn't waste any energy, the metabolism lowers. If you have alot of calories it changes back to normal mode, and starts to burn as it would normaly. My weigh was alot more stable before i found i could have condensed milk and not feel so sick i could die.
And 2 years after the surgery you're supposed to begin having a certain tendency to put on weigh again, since the restrictive absortion effect of the surgery looses it's "effect" around this time.. the body makes up for it, gets used to it.. and the only thing that works to keep the weight down is the smaller stomache, which some people manage to strech alot by this time. Even if they don't there's always a slight tendency to gain a few pounds after the 2 year mark.
but this is not happening totally for me, i guess. I do feel I don't miss my vitamins as much, not at all actually. And haven't for maybe 2 months. Before this, if i forgot to take them in the morning i'd feel weak, and now I don't notice any difference.
So the absortive aspect (1 meter of the bowel is bypassed in order to be used for a different purpose other then absorving nutrients and calories, so that leads to further weight loss with this surgery, but that stops after 2 years because the body learns to compensate for it)
is problably working, meaning it has problably compensated as it's supposed to.
I think it's because i've been so stressed out too. My white blood cells just give up on me when i'm depressed and stressed. I can feel them do this. Also my stomache feels really full with half a cup of water when i'm stressed, it must shrink or something. But I know this is common .
Makes me feel it's urgent to start being happy. Happier.
I'm really thankful for lots of good things today. Just hope I keep learning to appreciate things more and more.
There would be alot more to talk about this surgery and all the aspects related to it. Saturn in virgo would be a nice time to talk more about it. Not sure i want to though. Maybe if it comes up. I get a feeling non bypassed people will think I'm a freak talking about this :)
Though people thinking i'm a freak tends to give me a bit of a kick, it's not always desirable and rarely my priority as I live my life, and do my choices.
Post secret: I crave acceptance some times.
That's the bad thing about loosing so much weight, you need to keep buying new clothes for 2 years, while the weight is coming off you need to keep getting new stuff. So I started to buy mine second hand mostly, I find great things at Humana downtown. I have tons of big old clothes to give them too. I love to buy like 2 dreamy pairs of jeans (sometimes i'm lucky to find some already cut the right leg size for me), 3 shirts, and some shoes for less then 20 euros! Makes my day.
Humana is amazing. They accept 2 hand clothes that people donate and then sell them really cheap, and the profits go for charity. And maybe 20% of the stuff there is really good quality and nice taste. others are so kitsh it's funny to look at. Something for everyone there.
I weigh around 60 kgs now. I think that may be around 120 pounds. My body mass indicator says i'm normal :) not morbidly obese, not obese, not excessive weight.
I find that i'm loosing apetite though. Right now i'm starved, I know this because I feel a bit weak and slight headache, i haven't eaten in a few hours, but i don't feel like eating anything. It's strange and sometimes I get scared. Mostly because people are telling me i need to stop loosing weight, and it's just not happening, even though i eat half a can of condensed milk a day, on top of regular meals, Not sure I understand this . I lost 2 kg (4 pounds) at least in the last 3 weeks. Eating condensed milk almost everyday which is a calorie bomb. I'll ask the nutricionist about this. I have a feeling eating high sugared things can be causing the faster weight loss lately, as contradictory as it might sound. But it isn't so absurd. If i'm constantly starved like i have been mostly, the body goes into survival mode, and doesn't waste any energy, the metabolism lowers. If you have alot of calories it changes back to normal mode, and starts to burn as it would normaly. My weigh was alot more stable before i found i could have condensed milk and not feel so sick i could die.
And 2 years after the surgery you're supposed to begin having a certain tendency to put on weigh again, since the restrictive absortion effect of the surgery looses it's "effect" around this time.. the body makes up for it, gets used to it.. and the only thing that works to keep the weight down is the smaller stomache, which some people manage to strech alot by this time. Even if they don't there's always a slight tendency to gain a few pounds after the 2 year mark.
but this is not happening totally for me, i guess. I do feel I don't miss my vitamins as much, not at all actually. And haven't for maybe 2 months. Before this, if i forgot to take them in the morning i'd feel weak, and now I don't notice any difference.
So the absortive aspect (1 meter of the bowel is bypassed in order to be used for a different purpose other then absorving nutrients and calories, so that leads to further weight loss with this surgery, but that stops after 2 years because the body learns to compensate for it)
is problably working, meaning it has problably compensated as it's supposed to.
I think it's because i've been so stressed out too. My white blood cells just give up on me when i'm depressed and stressed. I can feel them do this. Also my stomache feels really full with half a cup of water when i'm stressed, it must shrink or something. But I know this is common .
Makes me feel it's urgent to start being happy. Happier.
I'm really thankful for lots of good things today. Just hope I keep learning to appreciate things more and more.
There would be alot more to talk about this surgery and all the aspects related to it. Saturn in virgo would be a nice time to talk more about it. Not sure i want to though. Maybe if it comes up. I get a feeling non bypassed people will think I'm a freak talking about this :)
Though people thinking i'm a freak tends to give me a bit of a kick, it's not always desirable and rarely my priority as I live my life, and do my choices.
Post secret: I crave acceptance some times.
Wishing you a nice weekend... I'll be back on monday, God willing.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Saturn return- it's official
I'm officially having my saturn return. Didn't think I would have it until next year, but it's doing a 3 degrees conjunction now.
I've been thinking about my natal saturn-sun opposition. I could generalize that to saturn opposing mercury too. Oh, and opposing mars by the way. in transit and progression. Makes me take criticism and disaproval of any form really seriously. Knocks me out actually. Sometimes I even imagine it and react to that, doesn't even have to be real. Most of the times that's what happens. Other times it's surprises me out of nowhere. All this makes me grow fast, and I've been having alot of it lately.
I think because I'm basically a good person and do my best most of the times, after agonizing about what I did wrong I usually find I didn't do anything to deserve being "saturnized", just unfair situations which Is unexpected as I didn't know this about saturn, but there's always things to learn from it. Like being careful, being observant, being quiet basically- as I feel I'm not in my normal state of conscience right now, with this jupiter in my moon, so being quiet would really save trouble right now. Fortunatly I've been that way all my life, and it doesn't take much to adapt. But for some years I have been trying to become more free of the fear that made me be like that in the first place. So I'm needing to learn a new posture, a middle ground.
Jupiter is still helping me feel like I can deal with this. Don't know how it will be next week though. We'll see.
I've been thinking about my natal saturn-sun opposition. I could generalize that to saturn opposing mercury too. Oh, and opposing mars by the way. in transit and progression. Makes me take criticism and disaproval of any form really seriously. Knocks me out actually. Sometimes I even imagine it and react to that, doesn't even have to be real. Most of the times that's what happens. Other times it's surprises me out of nowhere. All this makes me grow fast, and I've been having alot of it lately.
I think because I'm basically a good person and do my best most of the times, after agonizing about what I did wrong I usually find I didn't do anything to deserve being "saturnized", just unfair situations which Is unexpected as I didn't know this about saturn, but there's always things to learn from it. Like being careful, being observant, being quiet basically- as I feel I'm not in my normal state of conscience right now, with this jupiter in my moon, so being quiet would really save trouble right now. Fortunatly I've been that way all my life, and it doesn't take much to adapt. But for some years I have been trying to become more free of the fear that made me be like that in the first place. So I'm needing to learn a new posture, a middle ground.
Jupiter is still helping me feel like I can deal with this. Don't know how it will be next week though. We'll see.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Jupiter
This jupiter transit conjunct my moon has been alot like being posessed by an entity, full of good will and good feelings, but surprisingly failing miserably to express it's good intentions properly. I have a sagitarius moon which isn't known for being tactful, but this is different. Sometimes I'm not tactful because the truth seems much more important then tact, but this transit is more of being posessed by good feelings inside me and towards others like I rarely have been before. and then became amazed how that isn't expressive enough by itself.
I'm assuming things and failing. It feels bad. I am hurt when people don't see my good intentions, always. It's very frustrating.
This reminds me of something that was on my mind a few months back, about ackowledging the shadow in yourself, so it won't bite you in the ass.
A part of me is thankful for people enbodying she shadow biting me in the ass at this point. This never fails to make me stop and think. But I want some peace and I have it inside. I'll be sure to enjoy jupiter at this point, in a more introverted way. Besides, Saturn is no more a part of reality then any other planet. Life is about experiencing all of them. So for now I will pass on the suggestion to blame myself for other people's reactions.
I'm assuming things and failing. It feels bad. I am hurt when people don't see my good intentions, always. It's very frustrating.
This reminds me of something that was on my mind a few months back, about ackowledging the shadow in yourself, so it won't bite you in the ass.
A part of me is thankful for people enbodying she shadow biting me in the ass at this point. This never fails to make me stop and think. But I want some peace and I have it inside. I'll be sure to enjoy jupiter at this point, in a more introverted way. Besides, Saturn is no more a part of reality then any other planet. Life is about experiencing all of them. So for now I will pass on the suggestion to blame myself for other people's reactions.
Embrace your mortality
"Embrace your mortality" was the answer I got. The question : "What can I do to heal us?"
This was one of those chats between me and a specific part of my soul. I don't want to sound weird today, so I won't get into details about how it works. I just wanted to reflect about it.
( Don't mean to underestimate my fellow excentric-seekers-of-the-Truth's hability to be fascinated by these type of stories, but I don't want to over expose sacred things.)
I had forgotten this message, and accidently found it 2 days ago in an old email, where I used to keep a sort of diary.
Embrace your mortality. What does this mean?
It means: Be ok with the fact you are in a body. Be ok with being here temporarily and possibly leaving unexpectedly. Being ok with your plans being frustrated by death. Detach from your persona. Take care of your body, it's a precious tool. Learn to do this by yourself even though no one did it for you when you expected them to - and you survived it, see how powerful you are? - You can create this hability from scratch. you have this power.
To not accept death is just the same as not accepting life. There is a direct connection between both. The story behind me not accepting death would sound weird as it has to do with a past life event. I didn't want to be born. (Ask my mother!! ) They had to pull me out a few weeks after the due date for birth. For some reason I did come. But I know why, mostly. I have a big need to learn, gain awareness. And it seems being here is the way to do that faster.
Mortalility is a big concept... it's the physical death, ilness, pain, spiritual transition at any given time. The life I chose as Viviana has prepared me to accept this better then i did before. This and a couple of other things.
Learning to love yourself is another big part of healing. Be the most important person in someone's life, starting with your own, perhaps. I'm here to learn to love, and that includes alot of things that need to happen in the process.
Do you know what are you here for? Do you think it makes a difference?
This was one of those chats between me and a specific part of my soul. I don't want to sound weird today, so I won't get into details about how it works. I just wanted to reflect about it.
( Don't mean to underestimate my fellow excentric-seekers-of-the-Truth's hability to be fascinated by these type of stories, but I don't want to over expose sacred things.)
I had forgotten this message, and accidently found it 2 days ago in an old email, where I used to keep a sort of diary.
Embrace your mortality. What does this mean?
It means: Be ok with the fact you are in a body. Be ok with being here temporarily and possibly leaving unexpectedly. Being ok with your plans being frustrated by death. Detach from your persona. Take care of your body, it's a precious tool. Learn to do this by yourself even though no one did it for you when you expected them to - and you survived it, see how powerful you are? - You can create this hability from scratch. you have this power.
To not accept death is just the same as not accepting life. There is a direct connection between both. The story behind me not accepting death would sound weird as it has to do with a past life event. I didn't want to be born. (Ask my mother!! ) They had to pull me out a few weeks after the due date for birth. For some reason I did come. But I know why, mostly. I have a big need to learn, gain awareness. And it seems being here is the way to do that faster.
Mortalility is a big concept... it's the physical death, ilness, pain, spiritual transition at any given time. The life I chose as Viviana has prepared me to accept this better then i did before. This and a couple of other things.
Learning to love yourself is another big part of healing. Be the most important person in someone's life, starting with your own, perhaps. I'm here to learn to love, and that includes alot of things that need to happen in the process.
Do you know what are you here for? Do you think it makes a difference?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Glycose & hedgehogs
I have been dreaming alot these last days. And I think it's related to my recent addiction to condensed milk. My brain missed having all the glicose, and the dreams are back with a vengence. They are very real. I don't remember the other night's dreams, but tonight I dreamt I was feeding baby hedgehogs, with an improvised baby bottle and it was a bit stressfull, they were very small. the dream lasted alot. I'd wake up and then go back to the dream a few times.
I love hedgehogs. I found on last december on my christmas vacation in the island. A baby, problably 3 months old. That's him on the photo. (I have more pictures of him on the archives of December) He was alone. I was looking for mushrooms and found him lying in the ground. When they are born late in the summer they are too young to hibernate and usually die during the winter.
I didn't know that then, but he seemed like he needed some mothering and I was all for it. I took him in my scarf to my home, he was a bit scared, rolled on himself.
then I went online and read about hedgehogs, what they eat, how to treat them.. first I gave him a warm bath and used an old tooth brush to clean and comb his spines, he loved the bath, he was relaxed by the warm water, this was day time so it meant it was sleep time for him, he wasn't very active, but he definatly relaxed more after the bath, I think that when he become my friend, he slept in my lap, without rolling into a ball like they do when they are afraid. Later that night he was up and starved, so I fetched him snails from the garden, and he devoured them in half a second, they were crunching in his mouth like popcorn!
People that have them as pets usually feed them cat food and fruit, and I tried it, but he didn't want any of that. He ate nothing but snails. Hedgehogs are very puppiesh, they are so gentle and cute, I fell in love with him. That was almost a year ago. Maybe that's why i'm dreaming of hedgehogs.
Anyway I am enjoying having loads of glycose on my blood again.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Cabo da Roca & update
This is me, sunday afternoon, at Cabo da Roca, supposedly the most western spot in europe (if you ignore the azores islands in the middle of the atlantic).
I've decided to start writing in english here, so more people can understand what i'm writing about :) pretty much all my portuguese readers understand english so this won't be a problem.
My S.A.D has given me a break these days, with jupiter conjunct my moon this week and the next, it's been nice.
Makes me think that if i had started taking anti depressants a few weeks ago when it began, I would think this break was due to it. But it isn't! I'm glad.
I'll be back soon to talk about stuff. I'll stop waiting for a good reason to write here and just force myself to, because it helps alot. All (nice) feedback from you is very welcome, in the language you prefer (just no deutsh, please anonimo or I'll have to use babel fish). off to bed.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Winter blues
(Ou SAD, seasonal affective disorder... ou depressão sazonal. Ou ainda, a historia da depressão ao longo da minha vida.)
Os sintomas mais típicos são:
mais info em http://www.mentalhelp.com/depressao_sazonal.htm
Acho que sofro de Distimia há quase 4 anos, e antes disso já sofria de depressão sazonal. Que ataca no fim do verão, outubro tipicamente...entro em semi-hibernação, com os sintomas referidos acima, a vida é cinzenta e sem sentido e arrasto-me dia a dia, uns melhores e outros francamente maus. Depois por volta de abril voltava a sentir um surto de vida literalemente.. acordava uma bela manhã, sol a brilhar, os passaros a cantar e de repente a vida era fantástica e queria ir de novo viver, cheia de projectos e curiosidades.
Este post serve em parte para desabafar e em parte para organizar a minha historia clínica a este respeito.
Lembro de desde sempre ser reconhecida como mais introvertida que as minhas irmãs, era pensativa, e talvez me tenha sentido sozinha mts vezes, não lembro bem. Era mais angelical, gostava de agradar as pessoas, ouvir conversas dos adultos, fazer panquecas (aprendi a cozinha-las aos 7 anos) e café para as visitas diárias dos meus tios.
Não penso que tivesse sintomas de depressão.
Penso que começo a sentir os primeiros sintomas depressivos por volta dos 11 anos, a idade em que se vai para o ciclo preparatorio. Foi quando deixei os meus amigos da escola primaria, que ficaram a repetir o ano por serem mt novos. E fui enfrentar um inferno. Correu mt mal o processo de socialização. fui rejeitada por professores e colegas. Sentia terror de manhã quando tinha de ir para a escola. Senti isso até ao 8 ano do liceu, ano em que desisti da escola durante 1 ano, e depois voltei. a partir daí tudo correu bem. Fiquei na turma de pessoas mt mais normais e amigaveis e ter tido 1 ano longe de pessoas desconhecidas ajudou a organizar a minha identidade e sentir-me mais segura. E lembro de ter momentos bons nesses anos. Os meus verões eram muito bons sempre. apenas o inverno e a escola não.
Saltando uns anos á frente, sem grandes problemas além da costumeira SAD, penso que estive deprimida ou no mínimo distimica com crises depressivas masi graves no ano e meio anterior ao meu bypass gástrico. Aliás..... pensando melhor, ha 7 anos atrás qdo vim morar para Lisboa comecei a sentir que tinha a vida on hold, não estava a viver, estava a esperar. Cerca de 2 anos depois disso tive 1 ano e meio de crise absoluta de vida... por ter perdido o meu chão, a crença em Deus. Que fundava toda a minha vida, relaçoes sociais, planos.. Lembro de querer morrer, planear suicidio, the whole ordeal. Foi a segunda pior fase da minha vida, depois de uma que tive aos 14 anos (altura da oposiçao (aos 14) e quadratura (aos 21) de saturno até agora). Agora estou quase a ter a conjunção de saturno. o famoso retorno de saturno.. aos 29. enfim, ainda não cheguei lá. espero estar melhor preparada do que estive nas anteriores crises.
Sinto-me rodeada de obstáculos, sem a mínima orientação sobre o futuro, sem apoio significativo. Nestas alturas as pessoas desaparecem. Ou se aparecem acabam por piorar a coisa. As com que sou obrigada a lidar (como médicos) teem encontrado formas surreais de me espezinhar sem qq causa lógica ou coerente.
Quando se tem depressão todas as coisas más ficam a remoer durante dias, não desaparecem, ficam a envenenar a alma e o corpo. Entretanto fico stressada, ansiosa, infeliz... o cabelo cai, o corpo doi, a garganta começa a doer qdo engulo.. tipo dor muscular... voltaram as dores de gastrite. E a desgraça ganha ritmo e velocidade rumo a um sítio escuro e mt frio.
What to do?
terapia de luz? os tais candeeiros para combater o SAD existem em ptgal? Anti-depressivos? Venham eles. Ando em busca de todas as soluções. Hoje espero começar um curso de introdução á meditação. E vou tentar aguentar as pontas entretanto. Tenho fé que haja cura para isto. Chorar alivia ás vezes. Mesmo que tenha de ser sozinha.
Apesar de supostamente a depressão ser um desequilibrio dos neurotransmissores que distorcem a percepção das coisas, é uma altura em que a sobriedade impera. a dura realidade bate. a solidão.
Gostava de falar de td isto de forma menos generica. explicar as crises pessoais multiplas e confusas que estou a viver. mas este não é o local indicado para isso.
Acho que qdo comecei este blog, parti do principio que a bondade alheia era um dado adquirido, e que era eu que percisava de mudar e aprender a abrir-me. Está bastante comprovado que essa premissa não está correcta, e as pessoas boas são mesmo a minoria. E que mesmo essas são apenas humanas. Como eu. Cheias de complexos ás vezes dificeis de entender e lidar. De aceitar.
Acho que estou a aguentar me por uns fios. e que mt provavelmente virão mais problemas, mais pressão. Estou nas mãos de Deus. Qdo chegar ao fundo vou chorar até perder o folego, e depois vou respirar. E aquilo a que se chama vida vai manter-se em mim. Morro por dentro, mas o coração não pára, os pulmoes não param. e a alma vê-se obrigada a estar aqui. passar por tudo. sim, já passei por isso , já sei como é. Mas não me culpem se eu não quiser passar por isso mais uma vez.
voltando á organização das crises... a fase pre bypass foi claramente depressiva, e com razões para isso. Mais grave é quando não ha razoes para isso. Apos o bypass perdi 50 kgs. O sonho de uma vida. Mas não senti felicidade. senti no maximo alivio de ja nao sofrer o que sofria antes. Entrei num estado de apatia. a comida era uma droga, e fiquei sem ela. Claro que continuo a comer, mas o sabor é diferente, o efeito é diferente, a satisfação não existe mais. Tudo cinzento. pensei que era ressaca, e que ia passar. mas não. ja la vao 2 anos de apatia e indiferença com curtos espaços de tempo mais alegres. E agora estou a piorar dia a dia com os winter blues. Não conhecia esta expressao, dei com ela hj na net.. winter blues, soa a eufemismo. mas é bonito, e deixei.
não poupei mt do dramatismo da realidade actual neste post. Acredito que se sobreviver a isto, acabará por vir alturas mt melhores em que isto vai parecer mt distante. e aí será interessante reler. a vida dá voltas. O dia sucede a noite. cá estarei, espero.
Os sintomas mais típicos são:
Dormem por mais horas por dia no inverno, mas mesmo assim se sentem cansadas e
tem dificuldade acordar de manhã.
Aumento de apetite, vontade de comer
carboidratos e "Junk food".
Mudanças na energia e motivação: dificuldade de
concentração, execução de tarefas de rotina, fadiga, isolamento social e
diminuição do impulso sexual.
Mudanças no humor: irritabilidade, apatia,
baixa auto estima, sensação de depressão, tristeza e em casos extremos, idéias
suicidas.
Maior intensidade da Tensão Pré-Menstrual.
mais info em http://www.mentalhelp.com/depressao_sazonal.htm
Acho que sofro de Distimia há quase 4 anos, e antes disso já sofria de depressão sazonal. Que ataca no fim do verão, outubro tipicamente...entro em semi-hibernação, com os sintomas referidos acima, a vida é cinzenta e sem sentido e arrasto-me dia a dia, uns melhores e outros francamente maus. Depois por volta de abril voltava a sentir um surto de vida literalemente.. acordava uma bela manhã, sol a brilhar, os passaros a cantar e de repente a vida era fantástica e queria ir de novo viver, cheia de projectos e curiosidades.
Este post serve em parte para desabafar e em parte para organizar a minha historia clínica a este respeito.
Lembro de desde sempre ser reconhecida como mais introvertida que as minhas irmãs, era pensativa, e talvez me tenha sentido sozinha mts vezes, não lembro bem. Era mais angelical, gostava de agradar as pessoas, ouvir conversas dos adultos, fazer panquecas (aprendi a cozinha-las aos 7 anos) e café para as visitas diárias dos meus tios.
Não penso que tivesse sintomas de depressão.
Penso que começo a sentir os primeiros sintomas depressivos por volta dos 11 anos, a idade em que se vai para o ciclo preparatorio. Foi quando deixei os meus amigos da escola primaria, que ficaram a repetir o ano por serem mt novos. E fui enfrentar um inferno. Correu mt mal o processo de socialização. fui rejeitada por professores e colegas. Sentia terror de manhã quando tinha de ir para a escola. Senti isso até ao 8 ano do liceu, ano em que desisti da escola durante 1 ano, e depois voltei. a partir daí tudo correu bem. Fiquei na turma de pessoas mt mais normais e amigaveis e ter tido 1 ano longe de pessoas desconhecidas ajudou a organizar a minha identidade e sentir-me mais segura. E lembro de ter momentos bons nesses anos. Os meus verões eram muito bons sempre. apenas o inverno e a escola não.
Saltando uns anos á frente, sem grandes problemas além da costumeira SAD, penso que estive deprimida ou no mínimo distimica com crises depressivas masi graves no ano e meio anterior ao meu bypass gástrico. Aliás..... pensando melhor, ha 7 anos atrás qdo vim morar para Lisboa comecei a sentir que tinha a vida on hold, não estava a viver, estava a esperar. Cerca de 2 anos depois disso tive 1 ano e meio de crise absoluta de vida... por ter perdido o meu chão, a crença em Deus. Que fundava toda a minha vida, relaçoes sociais, planos.. Lembro de querer morrer, planear suicidio, the whole ordeal. Foi a segunda pior fase da minha vida, depois de uma que tive aos 14 anos (altura da oposiçao (aos 14) e quadratura (aos 21) de saturno até agora). Agora estou quase a ter a conjunção de saturno. o famoso retorno de saturno.. aos 29. enfim, ainda não cheguei lá. espero estar melhor preparada do que estive nas anteriores crises.
Sinto-me rodeada de obstáculos, sem a mínima orientação sobre o futuro, sem apoio significativo. Nestas alturas as pessoas desaparecem. Ou se aparecem acabam por piorar a coisa. As com que sou obrigada a lidar (como médicos) teem encontrado formas surreais de me espezinhar sem qq causa lógica ou coerente.
Quando se tem depressão todas as coisas más ficam a remoer durante dias, não desaparecem, ficam a envenenar a alma e o corpo. Entretanto fico stressada, ansiosa, infeliz... o cabelo cai, o corpo doi, a garganta começa a doer qdo engulo.. tipo dor muscular... voltaram as dores de gastrite. E a desgraça ganha ritmo e velocidade rumo a um sítio escuro e mt frio.
What to do?
terapia de luz? os tais candeeiros para combater o SAD existem em ptgal? Anti-depressivos? Venham eles. Ando em busca de todas as soluções. Hoje espero começar um curso de introdução á meditação. E vou tentar aguentar as pontas entretanto. Tenho fé que haja cura para isto. Chorar alivia ás vezes. Mesmo que tenha de ser sozinha.
Apesar de supostamente a depressão ser um desequilibrio dos neurotransmissores que distorcem a percepção das coisas, é uma altura em que a sobriedade impera. a dura realidade bate. a solidão.
Gostava de falar de td isto de forma menos generica. explicar as crises pessoais multiplas e confusas que estou a viver. mas este não é o local indicado para isso.
Acho que qdo comecei este blog, parti do principio que a bondade alheia era um dado adquirido, e que era eu que percisava de mudar e aprender a abrir-me. Está bastante comprovado que essa premissa não está correcta, e as pessoas boas são mesmo a minoria. E que mesmo essas são apenas humanas. Como eu. Cheias de complexos ás vezes dificeis de entender e lidar. De aceitar.
Acho que estou a aguentar me por uns fios. e que mt provavelmente virão mais problemas, mais pressão. Estou nas mãos de Deus. Qdo chegar ao fundo vou chorar até perder o folego, e depois vou respirar. E aquilo a que se chama vida vai manter-se em mim. Morro por dentro, mas o coração não pára, os pulmoes não param. e a alma vê-se obrigada a estar aqui. passar por tudo. sim, já passei por isso , já sei como é. Mas não me culpem se eu não quiser passar por isso mais uma vez.
voltando á organização das crises... a fase pre bypass foi claramente depressiva, e com razões para isso. Mais grave é quando não ha razoes para isso. Apos o bypass perdi 50 kgs. O sonho de uma vida. Mas não senti felicidade. senti no maximo alivio de ja nao sofrer o que sofria antes. Entrei num estado de apatia. a comida era uma droga, e fiquei sem ela. Claro que continuo a comer, mas o sabor é diferente, o efeito é diferente, a satisfação não existe mais. Tudo cinzento. pensei que era ressaca, e que ia passar. mas não. ja la vao 2 anos de apatia e indiferença com curtos espaços de tempo mais alegres. E agora estou a piorar dia a dia com os winter blues. Não conhecia esta expressao, dei com ela hj na net.. winter blues, soa a eufemismo. mas é bonito, e deixei.
não poupei mt do dramatismo da realidade actual neste post. Acredito que se sobreviver a isto, acabará por vir alturas mt melhores em que isto vai parecer mt distante. e aí será interessante reler. a vida dá voltas. O dia sucede a noite. cá estarei, espero.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
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