mix pics

´

These are some photos in my hard drive. The cows I took myself. they're very photogenic. that door at Shakeasper and Co is so me..

The Sequel

I WAS NOT KIDDING ABOUT THE COOKING CRAZE....

The cinnamon rolls I did 2 days ago disapeared quickly and I was asked to do some more for a party in 2 weeks. So I decided to practise some more, see how it goes.

They don't look bad, but I was really depressed with the first set of rolls I took out of the oven. They are pale..... and for some reason the frosting is pale too. I had very high expectations, and now I'm tired and disapointed.
But at least I've learned a couple of things and next time I'll do things better: I'll make the dough a little thicker so it can cook more time and I think it will taste better too, not so sweet. And make the coffee for the frosting a little stronger. And maybe put some butter on them before cooking for a more golden look. I hope that works....

Now i'm waiting for the frosting to get harder so I can freeze them. I'm not too happy though :(


Also the dough has some brown freckles! what's that about? I've done pizza dough and other stuff and that always happens, I have absolutly no idea why. i've seen it in bread that I've bought, so maybe it's not me. Since these are so pale the freckles are more noticable. The frosting made them prettier.

I really wasn't kidding about the craze. I'm embarassed to get into details about that.

Jesus Christ SuperStar - Judas Song

In portuguese...

Judas Super Star

I just came back from the theater. I saw the portuguese version of Jesus Christ Superstar. I liked Judas! See his video above. He kicks ass. Today we got the substitute for the main Jesus Christ, not the one you see on the video above, and I think that was a pitty. If he was meant to be the main atraction, he certainly wasn't today. Judas took over in my opinion. People still applauded Jesus a bit more, but I think it was just for convention.

Overall, it was nice. I'm a bit confused about this play, mixed feelings. I didn't like how they chose to start it: in the first minutes of the play you see images of new york, in a huge screen, almost 3 times the size of a cinema screen, and then you see the 9/11 scenes, the plane crashing..... and... I mean, why?

I know they meant to update the play, and refer to the religious wars nowadays, but it was just not justified and very shocking. I was trying to hold the tears in and not being able to. And I didn't like that, too violent. I shut down emotionally quite a bit after that and was more cinical during the rest of the play. Lack of sensitivity, is my first critique.

Also it's a very flashy kind of show, kind of like Cirque du Soleil, and the production/ setting and the actors were just not up to it, most of the actors weren't that good, problably because they casted them for the singing abilities above all. That was a bit distracting sometimes. I tend to be a bitch with performing arts. I try not to. They make me itchy if they aren't really good. I did gain some respect for actors after doing a workshop of public speaking with an actor a few weeks ago. It can be a real art to use your body and soul to... well, pretend you're someone else. But as it may be obvious along this post, I have a bit of a problem with non realistic things.

The mixed feelings are mostly because the story of jesus is so well known, and most people, and certainly I, have our own interpretation of what happened and how. I guess that is the whole point of the play: to be rebelious and -at the time it came out, circa 1973 - be revolutionary, and show the jewish version of who Jesus was, just a man. They don't show the ressurection. It ends in the death.

note: the following paragraph is a post scriptum edit, so nevermind if it's not too coherent with the next piece of text.

-> I'm realizing Judas is "secretly"- in the sense it's not too obvious - meant to be the hero. He does die in the end, just as Jesus. He dies in remorse. But he does come back! He sort of resurrects and comes back with black wings, some time after in the play! OMG! How ironic. It is ironic that this video above is publicised by a catholic institution, and the voice-off at the theater is a well known radio guy who talks about his christian faith publicly, and the theater was filled with old catholic looking people mostly. This is what saturn -mercury will do to you. I take my sweet time to figure things out. I wonder if other people figured Judas is the hero in Jesus christ Super star. Oh the irony.

Pre insight text -> The characters are very human in a "plutonic" way: very visceral, not mystical or spiritual at all. That is the only original thing in the play. Which i liked but causes the mixed feelings I mentioned, created an opposition between my interpretation of the story and the author's. I think it would have been more realistic to portray the followers of Jesus like a new age cult nowadays, people a little lost and tending to fanaticism, but I guess that wasn't common at all in the pre Jesus era. He started the trend. Before him religions were pretty much like they are now again, mostly conventional rituals, traditions. He began the cult feeling. The spiritual-minority truth-holders-missionary thing. Not enough sociological studies on those.

One thing wasn't either original nor realistic at all. Jesus was a jew, he wasn't a nordic blue eyed blond hair barbie man. He was dark and had a long nose like jews do. He definatly wasn't blond. But that is also the way he is portrayed in the catholic paintings all over my grandmother's house, a barbie doll. Judas is mixed race, of course! In the original play he is dark as night actually.

They - not exactly made a caricature - but made each character into an archetype. The bad and the good. The black and the white. And the purple. This is more obvious in the secondary characters. The priests are very "evil witch". Judas is the more complex one. And he seems to be a bit jeoulous of Jesus and Magdalene sometimes. There's a very gay and sexualized energy to the play all along. A tad of venezualian-soap-opera kind of love triangle. Which is interesting. It's rebelious to wonder the motivations of the people behind such a religious story.

The main characters, Judas, Peter and Magdalene seem to beleive Jesus isn't God, he's a mere man, an iluded man, which they love (and lust) nonetheless. People of no faith!!!! :) Did make me remember that the idea of faith being a good thing began after Jesus. That's when it became real important at least. Before, when Moses was leading the jews accross the desert and they were bitchin all the way, lacking faith, Moses would complain and bitch back, but no problem, God would still send the mana to feed them and keep them safe nontheless. Trying to prove himself to them. After Jesus that changed. no faith, no deal.

I loved Judas, he is extremely talented and a hottie.

III P.S. - In defense of my brain, I have to say it really isn't obvious that Judas is the hero. He is very sexualized and agressive, and a traitor!.. and he's in black, and he commits suicide, and when he comes back with his wings, he comes back in a sort of boys band, they all have black wings. The message that he is the hero is very subliminal. It only came to my attention this play might be a jewish version of the events because I read someone mention that on youtube just now, fecthing that video above. I didn't watch the play expecting it to be anti christ. And they sure don't make it in-your-face obvious like they do with all the other secondary characters. He's a man that beleives what he is doing, though he has a human side too, being afraid of dying. That shows he wasn't a psycho. He is very respected... as a human, never as God. I didn't give that much thought though -just got a little ich at the lack of historic accuracy - because I thought it was acceptable, that will just make the ressurection that much more spectacular... but no. Only Judas came back from death. Judas the hell raising, Jesus lusting traitor.

Jesus is the one that takes center stage at the end and names the play and all! And all the christians go an see it and applaude Jesus at the end.

Oh god. I'm having a saturn-mercury crisis. Do you think I might be retarded? I'll ask my bf if he figured it out. He's usually pretty quick at that sort of thing. If he didn't i'll calm down.

It is very sarcastic that Jesus is portrayed as a barbie man. Shows the shear ignorance people have about who he was. Now I see why this play is such a classic. It appeals to all people, the christians enjoy the publicity to Jesus either way, i'm sure. It's pretty brilliant actually. Not the fact it appeals to all, but the play itself, it's potencially an awesome show in the right conditions.

Maybe I didn't get it because I couldn't understand all the words they were singing, and the acting wasn't that great.

I watched a clip of the Judas in the JCSS movie and he made it a bit more clear that he was a nice person, divided. This Judas today was more raged all the time, crazed. It was confusing. The director might have adapted a little, to make it harder for people to get it. Because portugal is a very religious country, he wouldn't have an audience if people were understanding the message. Really ironic that christian man was the voice off of the play. Ok, enough rambling about this.

Cinnamon Rolls

Aren't these amazing?? I just made them and I'm sooo excited!!
They are freakin delicious! And I think they look beautiful.
I have to go because I'm sending these pictures to friends online and they are coming over right now!

Thanks to Pioneer Woman for this recipe!!! I was reading her blog all night long! http://www.thepioneerwomancooks.com/2007/06/cinammon_rolls_.html
She's alot of fun to read, and there's amazing recipes there.

Be back later!

FOOD

Just thought I'd share I'm having a cook craze, it is official. I have been cooking ALOT, and things are delicious, my freezer is packed with food. I want to cook, improve my cooking, eat and feed people. This is what drives me. Venus is conjunct my moon these days. That must be why.

I made the best chicken soup ever. The best roasted meat. The best caccoa balls, the best fruit salad.... what else..? potato salad. banana pancakes. I'm having violent urges to bake home made cookies. which i've never done by myself. I've decided to wait and get proper ingredients and do them tomorrow. also having urges of discovering how to make pizza dough, so I can make the perfect pizza. I use a tomato sauce for pizza which is delicious. then put some canned pineapple in tiny bits, and green pepper in tiny bits and them a mix of cheeses or just mozzarela, it's great. Except I do it with frozen pizza bases and they're ok, but not very exciting. I miss good pizza. There are 3 pizzarias in my island and they are all very good. (the photo is from one of those, i didn't make it) My island has 15 thousand people. I now live in lisbon, which has half a million people, and no good pizza anywhere. I've looked hard. There are some that are interesting but not my idea of pizza at all. Most are just very very bad. This pains me much. I had a very good pizza in a town up north once. 300 kms away.

I still have a fat person's head. Food is so amazing. I've tried drugs once, and it was good, but food is better. It used to be at least. It did change after the bypass. Now I get disapointed often. I expect food to have the same effect as before, and it doesn't. Maybe that's why I like to feed other people now.

Detox ... ?

So... I don't think the enema worked. I wasn't able to get much liquid in, it either didn't move out of the pear no matter how hard i squeezed or moved and most came out and wet my bed. I think a bit went in though. I layed there on my right side for 20 minuted anyway, so the coffee would reach the liver, thinking next time I'll ask if I should lay on my head if I want the liquid to go to my brain and laughing by myself.
I'm stupid, I know.
But some things just don't make alot of sense to a non medical person like myself.

I will try it again, but with water or water and magnesium sulfate, or a proper soap. Maybe I'm too clugged for anything to go in yet. I'll keep trying. Wish me luck. Meawhile I went shopping and am preparing a nice dinner for tonight. :)

Enema day

Seems like today is a good day to talk about how I feel

according to my favorite online horoscope (That's soulgarden, on youtube). Not only me, but all Pisces! Yes....sun sign astrology. Ir works sometimes. I've figured how it works, each sun sign is put on house one.

For pisces that makes aries be in house 2, house of personal values and self esteem, house 3 in taurus..house of comunication, etc. So today the moon is in taurus, in pisces' house of comunication = a good day to talk about our piscean feelings.

I feel bummed out mostly, a bit unconfortable in the world lately, having weird days and wanting to check out. Feeling intoxicated... I'm looking forward to doing a coffee enema today, for the first time! Hoping it will help me detox and feel more alive and awake. I've been reading alot about it. Here's a good link if you're interested: http://www.enapure.com/bottom_of_it.html

I can't wait to do it. I need to go buy the enema at the pharmacy. I've never done it, but feel ready. I'm determined to make it a good experience. I'll have nice music on. And be lying confortably for the 15 minutes. I'm supposed to lay on my right side for that long before I use the bathroom, after having the coffee pour inside the colon. The coffee will meanwhile stimulate the bile and make it pour out into the colon all the toxins in my body hopefully. That's what the doctor said it would do. This is a very taurean subject.

I've done a detox in brazil once. a couple of times actually. and it included colon cleansing as soon as we'd arrive, we had to drink magnesium sulfate in a bit of water and then drink alot of water and it all went to the colon and that washed everything. Truely. I had clean water coming out at one point. This was because I had been there for 21 days, on 400 cal a day, organic vegetarian food, then i left the clinic for 3 days and when I came back I had to take the magnesium sulfate again, but I was still clean, so I had clean water coming from my colon. I hope this isn't graphic in your mind. It isn't in mine. Anyway, now to the good part. My skin has fortunatly never been bad, but it was absolutly perfect then. I felt great. I would eat half a grape or whatever we were allowed to eat at a meal, and 2 hours later, I'd have a bowel movement. Like a clock. Like a baby, or a puppy. That's how it's supposed to be.

I lost 15 kilos in a month there, this was pre bypass surgery. It was very violent psychologically, I was there all alone and it was a religious institution, very freaky one at that. And had a stupid doctor call my father an tell him I wasn't trying hard enough! All because he asked me how I was doing and I was honest, I told him it was hard and I felt the clinic was strange. He didn't like that I guess. I changed to a wonderful cuban doctor after that. I actually kind of fell in love with him, and that gave me strengh to be there.

It was one of the hardest things I've done though. Much harder then anything i've gone though after the gastric bypass. But in the midst of it all, I do remember my skin looking amazing, and not having strange pain or feeling sluggish like I do now, etc. And having energy to get up at 6 am and doing a 2 hour walk, then 2 hours of hidrogymnastics, all in one morning! and in the afternoon taking 1 hour hikes and doing more gymnastics and sometimes playing tennis! Oh, and walking on a treadmill late in the evening.

That was extreme. Some days I did all that. And I wasn't eating. I was doing a juice diet for 2 weeks, but with all the fast weight loss I felt a constant nausea and sometimes couldn't eat at all. That was a 400 cal a day, but somedays I must have been at 200. You need 1000 a day just to make your vital organs function. Have I mentioned how violent it was? it was crazy really. But I learned some good things.

I really really really want to feel good and fit everyday. I want to create a healthy routine for me. I want to be as healthy as ever.

Also I've been feeling a very strong need to express me. My voice, my truth. And ONLY that. This is my saturn opposite mercury I think. I want it badly. I feel so frustrated to see things and not have a voice, not be able to express how I see things. I want to find a way to do it. I don't know how though. I mean, I'm not talking about writing, I want to speak. Speaking is a problem for me. Organizing thoughts. I have mercury in pisces square neptune. I think in images and feelings, confusing ones. and it takes me a while, some times days, to be able to translate them to words. I want to work on this more intensively. Don't know how though.

On a different subject, today in the azores we celebrate girl friends day. Last week was boy friends day. So today all the girls get together, no men allowed, and go party. The local tv station usually reports it. should be fun.

I'll go get ready for my enema. :P I'll let you know how it worked later.

ps- don't know why but I haven't been able to publish this with proper paragraphs! It's so cluttered like this.....:/

let me try some html

hello

tralala

Motion

I changed templates!!

this one feels nice for now. I'm tired of looking. I need to learn to personalize it a bit.

I lost all the comments :( all the links :( and lots of cool things.....

anyway, life goes on. I'll try to get the links back and make the template cooler in the next days or so.

I found this lovely image:

update

Sorry for the abscense. I've been hibernating and dealing with secondary effects of antibiotics.
my digestive system has gone on strike. Do you have any ideas of something to write about? I'm not too inspired lately..

Richard Dawkins - The God Delusion

Here's the video I mention on the post below.

On "The God Delusion"

This is one of many videos on youtube about The God Delusion, a best seller book by Oxford professor Richard Dawkins, and my fellow Truth Seeker.

It's anti religion, and anti "God". I haven't read it, but i have figured that much from the videos. He reminds me of me on my atheist phase. He's an aries. He problably has lots of planets in Pisces and I'd guess some in Sagitarius too, and problably has always cared about the issue of God, the Truth, Science...... as I have. Pisces and Sag is the right recipe for a Truth Seeker.

I agree with his arguments (the ones I was able to see on a few videos). I wish I could list them here because for me, being an atheist was the process of learning to think rationally and abstractly. Some people achieve this hability by the age of 21 but many never do and thinking about these things might stymulate readers minds, which is always a healthy thing.

I came up up my own most brilliant atheist arguments, I didn't read them anywere, I was actually struggeling to be able to have faith again, after having built my life on the christian faith, but my mind very suddeny kept coming up with arguments against it. I must have increased a few points in IQ those couple of years. I can't talk about Richard's Hawkins arguments, just say i agree with the ones I heard, and take this chance to briefly talk about where I stand about this god thing.

I wish I could hear R.H. talk about the shortcomings of the scientific method. All reality isn't palpable, measurable..etc... we're surrounded by images and sounds that tv's and radios can translate but our senses can't. animals hear sound waves that we can't, and so forth: the senses are very limited. And so is the scientific method in dealing with certain issues such as the existence of God.

In some videos he seems angry about it all, I imagine he might feel as if he spent too much time of his life running in the wrong path, as I once thought, or maybe he's just angry because he beleives that religion is stoping millions of people from having real lifes and keeping them from the Truth, and all that it implies... (Our beloved Truth. My sag moon NEEDS the truth to a fault, to pathology). I felt like that, untill later i realized there is no wrong path...... All paths are right, for different people at different times, and even though some seem to have very bad effects on the world, you need to let them be, because they will be corner stones to a broader view along the way. That sure relaxed me more.

I hope he is able to continue to be a true scientist, as curious for the Truth as before, whichever new paradigm it may be, and not let his book become his own religious dogma, the final thing. It's not fun to be angry very long, or seeing things in black and white like his opposers do.

I see that whatever upsets you alot is your own shadow, no matter who or what is wearing it at the time it upsets you. Because people tend to have the same faults as the Other they are projecting upon . See how Bush claims to hate the terrorists and ended up being the worst one of all? That's how it works. He's at excatly the same level as they are. If your level of conscience/awareness is higher then someone's you don't ever feel very affected by them because you understand and simpathize with their different path /or ignorance, because it's where you once were yourself, and have been able to love yourself to the next stage. If you do get affected then look closely at what it is that affects you because that is your greater teacher about yourself, your mirror. You will be affected by someone if you still hate the part of yourself that you see in them. Learning to love who you are and where you are, and treat yourself like a lovely child learning it's lovely way through life, that's were you will find wisdom, peace, and God.

God is around, available, and it's essence is Love. That's the best definition I've found so far. Wherever true love is, you'll know you're close to the Source. Romantic love isn't usually the most pure form of this Love.. but it's a nice way to start grasping it, if that's what's available. The bible calls it Agape love, it's closer to brotherly love. unconditional, accepting. To love means to unite, accept, include in yourself.

If people are truth seekers at heart, they will find the truth.

Me, I've found that there are lots of things spiritual, all kinds.. i'm not familiar with most of them. Some people talk about lost spirits, demons, angels, spiritual hierarchy and whatnot. I beleive there are things out there, don't know exactly wht they are. They'll let me know if i need to or when I need to. I beleive in the Goodness of God. I have experienced extreme love and guidance, wisdom, when closer to the Source, in spirit.

I'm very inclined to beleive in reincarnation after having a few regressions and just realizing it explains so many things, like why people are already born with different characteristics, temperaments, personalities (psychology hasn't been able to figure that out in a way that would satisfy me).

It also explains my phobias. The can be defined as intense irrational fear of an object or situation. I beleive phobias usually come from bad past life experiences, usually ways in which one died. I have a phobia to water taps that don't work. I panick and it feels like I'm about to die. It is the worst experience for me to come accross a water tap that isn't working, or even a sewer in the street rushing water out.. Ok, i'm freaking out now just thinking about this. (*breathe....think of something else, something nice*) People with phobias will understand. Others won't. But loads of people have phobias. I find them fascinating.

I once asked my spiritual guide to show me a past life that had had the most impact on the present life and in that life I happened to have drowned inside a ship. The water was coming in from a huge tube in the ceiling.. That death was traumatic because my soul did not accept it. Not my ego, because that would be pretty normal, but my soul didn't, and that's alot like God not accepting something he caused himself. It's not a good thing. Once you dissociate that much with your soul it causes a few problems. In my case it caused a big part of me to not want to be born again. Not accepting death is just the same as not accepting life. Because there is no death really. Just cycles, of learning and maybe helping others if you choose to come for that reason.

But back to the subject, in psychology classes I've learned phobias can generalize to similar objects. e.g. someone with a phobia of tigers might become phobic of felines in general. So I figure the tube with uncontrolable water coming was registered intensely in my soul's memory as a very dangerous "stimulus" and originated the water tap phobia, making me feel like my life is threatned when I'm in that situation. Reincarnation explains this. This made me learn how important the present really is, it can mark your soul forever, actually not only it can, it does! Either for good or bad. Even when you are able to heal yourself, the experience is still there, with a different meaning now, but it's all registered.

I'm learning to define who God might be by my own experience, it's a very slow but steady process.

One of the things I learned and won't let go of, from my atheist phase, is that only first hand experience is good enough if you are seeking the truth. It's great to hear about all kinds of things but I wouldn't advice anyone to invest too much in something that doesn't make all the sense according to their personal experience. Because your life is made of choices, make them as smartly as you can. I try to.

Maria Flavia de Monsaraz, an astrology teacher, and honorary Truth seeker, usually says she doesn't teach anything, she just reminds it to people, in the sense that our souls recognize the Truth when they are in their presence. It makes sense. But I also notice what makes sense at some point in your life might haven't always. If you weren't ready for it before.. timing is very important in all this. Chill (but be smart in your choices), and learn to love, is what I try to do now.

Time

This photo is by Eric Francis. He has a mind blowing photo gallery on planet waves, his link is on my link bar... this is somewhere in Paris, maybe in a place called shakespeare and Co.

I don't have permission to post the picture, I didn't ask. I hope he won't mind. I've been meaning to write to him, to say how cool I think he is. and maybe to correct the name of the former portuguese prime minister which he got wrong somewhere in his photos of some european politicians where he was..

This post isn't about Eric though. I just wanted to say i've been a bit sick. I get low fevers every one in a while in the last 2 weeks. And I get tired and in pain. It sucks. I'm hoping it's a half dead flu virus and not something more serious. i've thought it could be leuchemia and fybromialgia (spelling?) . I get a bit hypocondriac sometimes.

In a couple of hours i'll be having my first neuropsych. post grad class. It'll just be an introduction. not a proper class. I'll need to leave sooner because it's right on the main avenue in the city and it will be rush hour soon. And i don't enjoy public transports that much, besides I can't get tired. After the class there's a party to go too. a new volkswagen is being launched i think. Not sure at all. but my boyfriend was invited and I will go too if i'm feeling up to it.

I wish i'd be talking more about my saturn transit. But I think this might be the kind of thing it takes a while to digest, you can only talk about it a while after it's done.... I miss places like the one on this photo. childhood felt like that.

Hello, goodbye.

Pluto moon conjunction

I thought it might be worth copying here a text I wrote on tribe.net, someone asked about experiences with pluto-moon conjunction. This transits happens once every 2 hundred and some years, so lots of people never go throught it in their lifetime. I did, 2 years ago. Here's how it was.

For me it was a clear rebirth of the Feminin, accepting the yin in me. I also have moon conj neptune in the 11th, sextile natal pluto in the 8th.

My conjunction was 2 years ago. I did powerful inner child work in therapy at that time. I found my inner child, it felt like I was adopting a very traumatized child, taking it in my life and learning to heal it. We talked in a meditative state of conscience, I learned I had an abandonment trauma, from early on.. I asked her to show me how it started and then I regressed in time. I saw myself as baby laying on a kitchen counter wearing only dipers, feeling cold and had a pain in my abdomen problably from crying so much. This baby was feeling utterly betrayed by the parents, like she had a compromise with them that they would take care of her, and they failed it. I was amazed that this tiny baby had such an expanded conscience of what was happening, it was so intense and spiritual. I cried alot, my body ached for days after this. By far the most intense experience in my life.

I remember the first time the therapist lead me to my inner child, and we talked, and then we said goodbye, he told me to tell her i would be back, and I did, and she didn't beleive me and was so sad I was leaving. :( She was right, I really didn't want to go back. It wasn't pretty. She was dirty, lifeless and greyish... When I gave her attention she began to shine.

Very soon after, I began to learn to love her fragility, her vulnerability which i had rejected in me since forever. Problably because of the traumatic experience I've told. I didn't like children either. All that was very blocked in me. As my "virtual" relationship with the child evolved she become so beautiful, and I become very aware of the need to protect myself more, and accept being here, incarnated. Accepting my mortality.

This process was pretty magical. there would be alot more to tell. I totally changed as a person. I began to love myself. I accepted the yin in me. And that's how I found once you love yourself, you love other people too. Automatically.

Also a week after this, I had a gastric (moon) bypass (pluto) which allowed me to loose over 100 pounds. If I hadn't accepted the yin in me, I would have a very hard time feeling ok in a smaller body. It was hard but magical and divine. It was extremely productive. I'd take pluto transits over saturns any day. =) So, don't be afraid of pluto. Think of the lotus flower. That grows in the mud, and then becomes such a beautiful pure white flower. don't be afraid of the dark. It will surprise you in a good way if you are willing to let go of illusions.

Who took the L out of lover?

More photos taken today. They're not meant to be very artistic. Check the summer archives for those. Winter isn't pretty in the islands. I'm not inspired. I'm just posting because people asked and I'm nice.
That's Pico island in the back. It still has some snow on the top.

I'm feeling sick from eating too much. There's a fruit here called araçais- you can google araçá or check last years winter archives for a photo - which i eat with milk and sugar. if i leave it in the milk for a litle while it becomes yougurt. i have no idea why, but it's delicious. and so i ate too much.

i'll survive. I wanted to translate something I got in one of those fw: emails. It says:

Did you know......
... that the people that spend alot of time protecting others are actually the ones that need more protection?


... that the people that keep others company and help them are actually the ones that need more company and help?

Fish versus crab

I found this comment written by a pluto-in-scorpio-generation pisces girl. I think she kicked ass writing this!
I've been known to defend pisces fiercely so I loved finding some other pisces doing it, and with added psychological insight from this powerful pluto in scorpio. This was in the context of comparing pisceans with cancerians.... :

"Cancer is the first water sign. Cardinal water, which means ambitious
feelings. Cancers are compulsively emotional. Piss them off, and u'll see how
fear turns into violence. ....

The problem with this sign is that they just cannot get over themselves.
Being part of the personal signs(Aries-Virgo), they see the world from the
inside. It's the "me and the rest of the world" philosophy that characterizes them.

That's why u'll see them bursting into tears more often than u'll see a fish doing it.

They're new in the water business, and have trouble holding the dam on their emotional waves. And since family is of paramount importance to them, they're the most likely to compromise of the water signs. They simply cannot picture life without spouse and kids.
Now, Pisces, on the other hand, are the most impersonal of signs. The fish
philosophy could be described as "I am the world and the world is in me". Of
course, this could degenerate into all sorts of unhealthy interpretations,
depending on the outer-neptunian influences in one's chart.

It's easy to see why Pisces is the most schizophrenia-prone of signs. After a few years of seeing and understanding everything, it's only a matter of time before questions will overwhelm u: what's real? what's right and wrong, good and bad? They all make sense, after all. U might be tempted to believe u have unlimited rights upon others, since u see things they don't, or other grave presumptions. All in all,
Pisces is death.The merging with something greater than one's self. That's why
they don't care about human ambitions. It's like Einstein, a famous fish said:
"All I want to know is God's thoughts. The rest is detail."

That's why Fish and Crabs have relatively little in common. Crabs see their family as the center of the universe, whereas Fish just wanna get the heck out of this world and into something that makes sense, and have little or no concern for human values, such as family, career, social duty etc., etc, and so on, and so forth.

The reason why they seem submissive and insecure? Well, it's easy. Life is short. And we all know leading a war on 2 fronts will kill u for sure. Pisceans are
battlefields from the day they are born. With a nuclear war going on inside of
u, u just cannot afford to launch another one with the outside. If it wouldn't
kill u, it would surely consume the little time u have on this Earth. And for
what? If u went to visit a friend's place and his dog would start barking at
you, trying to defend its territory, would u spend the rest of the evening
trying to explain to the dog u're right, or would u ignore it and go inside and
have a good time? "

I think this explains the transcendence os Pisces. I agree totally with what she says. I've said myself plenty of times : I have no tolerance for stress, I already have so much going on inside me to deal with, I need peace and quiet. i literally tune out around stressed people, i let them have their fun, but it is choice to be stressed over most stuff. Some people happily choose it. I do have a bit of contenpt for people who like stress. :P they're primates. hahaha this is my venus in cappy talking now.

This perspective makes alot of sense to me, viewing the signs in their order of evolution... in which aries are less evolved, and pisces the most evolved :P but of course this isn't like that in real life. there are a few exceptions.

Esoteric astrology sees cardinal signs as more evolved for example, followed by fixed signs.. then mutable. But then again. I have serious doubts about esoteric astrology not being a bunch of crap.

Thanks to Sandra for letting me copy paste her comment and thus further enlighten the world about us brilliant pisces. :)

Gymnopédie No.1

I did get a cold. Some fever too, but i'm better now. Just laying around, trying to not get worse.

I'm very bored, lonely and kinda depressed. I want to go back home.

This hasn't been a great week so far. I'm crying very easily lately, but i think it may be because i'm feverish. I get more emotional. Not sad, just emotional.

E.g. I saw something on tv today about kids living in institutions, and it was nice, they were happy, succeding in school and their goals. I got so emotional I cried. I was happy. It's nice to see people that go through so much hard stuff so soon in life and they move on and succeed, find love, and direction in life. Also if my bf says he misses me i get all teary. I'm getting teary right now. Lots of emotions. I'm like a pregnant woman. Emotional rolercoaster. It's interesting though. And healthy. To get a chance to welcome emotions whatever they are. That's something I didn't do for too long.

I'm a bit sad because I've lost connection with the people I grew up with, going off to school far away. I don't belong here anymore. This isn't new. But makes me sad.
It's not like i wish I was friendly with everyone. I don't have the energy for that, or the motivation, socializing is exausting sometimes.

... be back later.

"caccoa balls" recipe

This is a recipe I've always known, because my mother always made these. But i've never seen them anywhere else. Maybe she made up the recipe. The fact is it's delicious. Everyone loves them. My niece is undecided between them and the nanaimo bars. I'd say the latter are slightly better.

ingredients: milk, butter, sugar, pure coccoa powder (unsweetened), shredded coconut, old bread.

It's supposed to be crumbed bread, but I'm lazy so I break it into pieces with my hands. If you have a kitchen robot and can crumb it it will be easier later on.

First, put some milk on a pot. How much? Good question. maybe 2 cups, for 3 normal white breads. I don't use measures. Yeah, that poses a question on why I'm writing this recipe. I have no idea how to explain it.

Well, you melt the bread in the milk.. you can add the sugar and coccoa and about a spoon or 2 of real butter to the milk before adding the bread. it's maybe 3 or 4 spoons of sugar, maybe 3 or 4 of coccoa. depends on how you like it. stir that. and then add the bread crumbs, or pieces and stir it till there are no chunks of bread around, if you got the milk quantity right, it should be a sort of brown paste by now. You can add more caccoa now if you think it's not strong enough. Add coconut until it's a very thick paste. Let it get a bit colder, and then mold balls with this paste, like in the photo, and get some more coconut around each ball. and it's ready to eat! Kids love it. I do to!

ps- I think i got a cold. :(

alex the cat

This is the only photo I took today. this was my cat for almost 2 years I think. I gave him to a lady that lives in this house. And I went to visit him today, he recognized me and we played for a while. I'll see him again tomorrow.

No luck in the hegdehog search so far :/

PS. see a tree lying down in the background? that was the wind last night. My car almost flew off the road a few times today. really windy here.

I'm babysitting my 5 years old niece today. so i have to go cook something I promissed her. I'm tired and freezing.

winter in the island

I just arrived at Azores today. The weather is a mix of tropical rain with hail. lots of it. Haven't seen it in years here.

I didn't sleep today, because i had to get up at 6 am to be at the airport.. i'm totally exausted, ready to pass out.

hope to look for a baby hedgehog these days. that would cheer me up. the ones born in late summer usually don't make it through winter, too small to hibernate. I'd love to find one again.

In the summer at night, there are loads of them in the road, usually dead already :/ they are really cute and sweet. if i find a baby i might try taking it back home in the airplane. might pass as a hamster :P it's forbidden to have them as pets. they're are a protected species in europe. in germany people are allowed to pet them through the winter. but I doubt the guards at the local airport would know anything about that. they sleep all day, just like hamsters, and the babys are the same size and colour. It's doable. I'll try it if I find another baby. But after today's cold weather I hope they aren't dying as I type... I need to chill. I'll be back soon.

comment on comment :)

I got some feedback! :) Weee!

Devil Mood wrote:
You have a point about the buddist attitude. I found
myself thinking about their search for peace at all costs many times and
thinking either that it was GREAT, or that it was just not how it should be
done.At least psychologicaly, it can't be good to bottle everything up, can it?
I mean, I know they don't bottle, they transcend...but transcending isn't human.
It's Pisces (sorry, bad joke hehe) If everyone was Buddist and tried to
transcend we'd still be living in caves and hunting, do you realize?


Waterviolet:
YeS!
The buddhist perspective is helpful to a degree. I think it's very useful to the western materialists who are excessively incarnated, are too stressed and without a real understanding of their spiritual dimension. As Nuno M. puts it "we've killed a God that we need and replaced it with half a brain" thus leading to where we are as a western culture. People are too inmeshed in their own little problems, their belly button is the center of their world, and it's so easy to be overwhelmed living like this when you're so inside things. Things which are maya = the illusion of forms.
If you try to understand a painting that is too close to your eyes, all you perceive is a blur. On the other hand, if you are on top of a mountain looking down, it's very easy to see the roads, figure a way out of the labiryinth. Detaching and knowing you are an eternal spirit on an earthly journey gives us the right perspective which is somewhat detached from the illusion that the forms are as real as we are, to the point that they could affect us, kill us (our bodies and souls), this is the Illusion that keeps people from being at peace and etc.

But other then that it can sound very extreme. The idea we shouldn't be attached to anything at all. And not suffer or feel any extreme feelings at all....

Someone said that we have to incarnate because God didn't figure out any other way to teach us something (don't remember what the exact thing was unfortunatly, but it is implied next ->) . Only when we are confronted with the tension of a polarized reality is when we have the chance to create, make something new. Be alchemysts. Be God. Make choices, create harmony from conflict. So it is important to be here. instead of just meditating on a monastery and pretending we're not here, life is not happening.

This extreme position problably has a role to play. It seems to suit some people. But I think most use it as an escape from themselves problably. To burry their turmoils. To refuse incarnation. Not the buddhists from the orient, I have a feeling they are spiritualy mature enough to have figured how to balance both spiritual and material dimensions. But westerners. new agers have this problem. And problably some of the message of the orient has been lost in translation, westerners can't be expected to do any better if that's the case. We'd do well to keep to our own religious traditions perhaps. I think we don't because we have emotionally and intelectually developed some aversion to it. Another bad consequence of attachment. The orient seems pretty cool to me. But it is a hugely different culture that would take a lifetime for us to understand. The translation problems are inevitable. Plus they're not always too keen on letting westerners learn about they're culture, as people who have learned Reiki might have heard. And they are right......I feel divided thinking this. because i understand both sides. orientals being aware westerners will mess it up because they don't have the ability to really understand what they're about, on the other side, westerners being fascinated by oriental wisdom and being so tired of their own spiritual traditions, having had a too personal bad experience with it most times. Even when orientals want to teach, like the Dalai Lama, it's still hard to translate a culture. Especially to new agers.... which are very eager but not very willing to dig deep, too used to instant and superficial things. These are mostly wounded and tired people looking for (instant) illumination. I don't blame them, but all this doesn't amount to a great situation in the spiritual scene these days. I won't get into that. I think I embody new agers, totally, I empathize and I understand we are expressing a phase in the spiritual evolution of society. I honestly don't see a better way to do this then to be a new ager. Which I could define as someone opened to new ways of thinking, curious, spiritualy famished, and not used to old, ancient cultures and languages, making them not too aware of the context of things and they're full meaning. But it is this openness, and inherent confusion, that will lead to whatever good will come in the future. It's the age of Aquarius. Aquarius is co ruled by saturn. That's what's lacking in us new(uranus) agers (saturn). :)
structure...discernment, that only comes from wisdom and experience. This is too new yet.

Spirituality can be an escape just as drugs and alcohol are, if that's what you want it to be. Depends on what people look for. Truth/direction/purpose or easy escape/instant confort/glamour goals. Don't want to use "ego goals", as that makes ego sound like a bad thing and I don't think it is at all. Having an ego is being incarnated. As I've been mentioning in these lasts posts and comments to posts, this is something I think I need to learn in this lifetime, to be here, be incarnated, be here in body mind and emotions. feel things. react to them. have boundaries. So I have alot of respect for people that do this well.

Doing this well is the basis for a healthy/solid personality structure. I notice lots of saturn words here :) boundaries, structure, respect, learning. Definatly being incarnated is about being saturnized.

The following is is from http://www.astro.com/mtp/mtp12_e.htm

"When Mind and Body are combined, they form the cross of matter"

Both jupiter and saturn have this cross and have the curve that symbolyzes the soul. But jupiter has the soul on top of the cross, and saturn has the cross on top of the soul:

"The symbols for the next pair of planets, Jupiter and Saturn, concern the
relationship between the soul and body. With Jupiter, the soul is elevated
over the cross of matter, signifying the importance of finding a meaningful
connection (soul), ‘something to live for’ in the manifest world. Jupiter
frees the soul from the dominance of matter. With Saturn, the cross of
matter is elevated over the soul, signifying that the soul’s yearnings must
be given shape and form within the limitations of existence in time and
space"
Being incarnated is partly about being limited in time and space.
The symbols are really fascinating, aren't they?

Symbols are complicated things since, as Jung observed, they can never be
fully interpreted - they can only be experienced. Symbols transcend the
split between the rational and the irrational, the known and the unknown.
in Astro.com

"Water can fLow, water can crash, be Like water, my friend " - Bruce Lee

Dear blog,
I don't have much to say. I could use someone to chat now.
I miss intelectual stimulus. I got some from all these videos I've been posting lately.
I made stupid O'reilly my pet peeve this week. He's a great pet peeve. He's a caricature of a bad plutonian, when pluto people aren't smart or sensitive they act like him.
I take some solace knowing there are smart sane people in the world, facing people like him.
I guess he's my shadow, if he gets to me this much. It's conforting to watch him over and over and figure his M.O. , because there are too many people in the world like that. I've known my share of them and I tend to just keep away from them, or if that isn't possible, let them beleive they are getting they're way. I transcend things too involuntarily to be able to get into ego fights like they do. But I wish I didn't sometimes. Because it is a real thing. There is alot of power getting thrown around, and ending up in the wrong hands due to it. So I live vicariously through this videos of people kicking o'rilley's ass. Poor devil.
The importance of the polarized vision of the world is sometimes underrated by buddhists and new age people. Sometimes the best thing to do is to be incarnated and live things totally, get mad, explode, tell people what we think and feel about what they do and say. If you just transcend, you'll feel at peace, feel slighty like a martyr, but that's such a well known feeling by now, and then misunderstandings happen, because you don't comunicate. People don't know who u are, they don't know where u stand, they just project whatever crap they have inside onto you because you do such a great job being a hollow mirror to whatever reality is at the moment. You adapt to everything. But it does hurt alot. to have people not understand you at all, project crap in to you and you have no idea how to defend yourself because you never practised it before. And then u feel alone and depressed. This is the life of a mutable, transcendent person (A pisces, in other words). Some people are too much the other way around. Both extremes are bad.

I'd like to talk about my saturn transits. Except they're not extremely insightful. It's a a saturn in the 7th, relationships... so that's my lesson in life these couple of years. I've found a stable relationship and am happy feeling attached. Feeling somewhat stuck, compromised. It feels doable now. I'm learning to not expect alot from people. And just expect my boyfriend to be the caring respectul sometimes loving person he is, in whatever spare time he has. I don't get intelectual stimulus in this relationship. He's pretty smart, it's just we don't think about similar things. I'm learning to be ok with that. That is the one thing that makes me passionate about someone though. But I can get that in other people. These are my saturnine thoughts. They're pretty benevolant I think, compared to what I expected. I am happy :) I get joy from his familly, i like being connected to them. I like the perspective of having a stable caring person beside me, even though part time, and partly invested. That how I feel things are. All the bad things in the relationship I understand why they are there! What they are trying to teach me. I guess this is the joy of having spent a life working on understanding the meaning of life. :) Now that i do, it bears fruit. Wonderful fruit. I feel prepared for this. So far. I dread falling in love with someone else though, and having to choose between that and what I have now. I feel like the old lady in Titanic, Rose, saying women hide many secrets... meaning her true passion. I feel I might very well become her. This isn't depressing to think though, it's pretty good. I am wise enough to choose stable real love over a fantasy passion. Long lasting love is a consequence of lots of work, patience, comunication, and just hanging on through things. Isn't that how we deal with life on our own? Why would love be so different, so magical all the time, like in fairy tales. That's not real. I beleive people can be passionate and in love, but I might never find that, and it's ok. I'm very thankful for what I have. It's more then I expected. And i'm learning about this everyday now.
I'll be having jupiter conjunct my venus in march. Loads of relationships, good ones, will come. I might have to live up to my words then. I know for sure I will have to face this choice love/routine vs passion/fantasy many times during life. This is what married people do, right? I'm a venus in capricorn trine saturn in the 7th. If I don't do it right, who will? :)

Noam Chomsky Interview on CBC (Part 1 of 2)

Jon Stewart on The O'Reilly Factor

jon stewart on crossfire

Bill Maher on France

Stephen Colbert on The O'Reilly Factor

enjoy

Michael Moore vs. Bill O'Reilly Pt. 1of 2

I love Michael Moore.

Pisces-Tuesday, 12/11/2007

God bless Chris for saying this.

synchronicity, lack of

I love coincidences. They are supposed to be divine interventions. I beleive that. We don't always figure out why they happened, but most times we can and do.
I've been paying attention to syncronicities for a couple of years now, and it always makes me feel it's a God thing happening.
The problem is I haven't had that feeling of Godly orientation, divine order, for some time now. I thought it was a neptune transit... I'm in the fog. At a time where I need to make big decisions about my life.
But problably the point is to get into myself, meditate. and not look outside for orientation.
This is hard because I'm not a real meditator. I get distracted, bored, sleepy. Sometimes I do get orientation, but maybe 20% of times..

This would be a great time for an angel to show up in my room and tell me he has a message from God.... "This is what the God in you wants Viviana's life to be about, and here's how you do it: first blablabla..." That would be precious. I'm tired of subtle hints. I need more faith. And guts.

Recipe canadian squares

On a more mundane level, I'm now posting this recipe. It's a dessert. I know it's a canadian dessert, because the 2 women I saw doing this both had lived in Canada for many years. [post scriptum, it's now 2 days after I posted the text outside the [...] and thanks to Kashmiri, I now know these are called Nanaimo bars, after a city in Vancouver, how cool is that! I made some more again today, they're a hit]

I made this recipe today.

The ingredients: one and a half or two packs of cookies, a simple kind of cookie (Bolacha Maria for us in Portugal), a pack of butter (real butter) , 2 cans of condensed milk, 1 pack of shredded coconut, a bar of dark chocolate and 3 spoons of peanut butter.

First:
-Shred the cookies into power... this can be tricky. I wrapped them on a kitcken towel and smacked it on the counter. some people may use a more intelligent approach... figure it out. It slip off my hand and went all over the kitchen, hahah. I then put the butter on a litle pan to melt the butter and then put the semi sliced cookies inside and smashed them with a wooden spoon. The result of that you spread on a ......hmm.. my kitchen vocaulary is short.. well, you spread it on a thing that you can get into the oven, a flat thing. :)
- Then get it into the oven for 10 minutes, It's supposed to make it more crunchy.
-Then mix the coconut and the condensed milk and put it over the cookie and butter mix.
- Then get that into the oven for more 10 minutes.
- Then melt the chocolate and peanut butter, with a bit of water, tiny bit of water, half a cup.
- put the chocolate mix on top of the other layers , let it cool a bit and get in into the refrigerator. about 2 hours later when it's cool, you can slide it in squares, of about 2 centimeters, and they're ready to eat!
this is one of the most delicious desserts I've had in my life. It's abnormaly caloric. :D You can deep fry the squares for extra calories hahaha. :)

Enjoy.

PS- On top is a not very good picture of the squares. They are DELICIOUS! they should be cut a litle smaller then this.

(write title here)

I'm having a bit of a writers block these days. Not that there isn't anything to write about, on the contrary...
So, I think it all started with an astrology consultation I had last week...
Made me think alot. I learned about saturn. And I learned I need to find my center, my Sun. Align myself with my soul and figure what it is that I want. What's my dream. And then ask saturn how to make it happen. I had never though of saturn as my servent. And so this is shifting my world these days. I'm empowered.
I've been trying to get in touch with my dreams and needs. Funny enough unlike what I thought and the astrologer thought, I don't think my professional path will be mystical. I use the word mystical instead of spiritual, because I think everything we do can be spiritual, no matter how pragmatic it is. My life will always be on a spiritual point of view, because that's where my conscience level is at. But I might not be working with mystical things.
I'm uranian and neptunian, and plutonian. the transpersonal planets are the strongest in me. I'm an alien. Some people call people like me Star Seeds. And it makes total sense to me from what I've been reading. What I also figure, is that the more evolved you are the more you'll have the hability to fit in, to love. Instead of geting a kick from being different like uranian people do. Or getting an ego kick from people thinking you are spiritualy evolved, like leos and most people do. The most evolved people are out in the real world. either being mother theresa's or being scientist or just normal average people.
Two days ago I saw a woman talking on tv, she was a catholic, she was enlightened. Her life changed, and from her speech and the light she had I knew she was for real. There are so many paths to the Truth. Only love is real. So where is love? I want to follow love.
It's not where i thought it was. (Be a light to yourself - Siddartha ) I find that so far i'm the closest source to love that I know. I mean, I find love when I meditate and am aligned with my Source. My goal in life is to be an open vessel for that kind of love. Because it's the only thing that heals and that makes sense. nothing is more effective then that. lots of other things are more effective then being a psych therapist. I think i just need to do things that have practical imediate results. So i think I'll be happy taking a litle turn into a more medical area. Like neuroscience.
Pisces- virgo, the serve or suffer axis. This is so right.

Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats

I miss music...

American Retirement - French and Saunders

hahahahha que lindo

Trump: Bush is the Worst President in History

stages of denial

:) enjoy...

Job search

Lots of important things have happened today and yesterday. I'll get into that tomorrow maybe, not today. I didn't get any sleep and feel too weird. I'm looking for a job. I'd like to inform the Universe that I'm open to the perfect job for me at this time in life. Can you hear me, Universe? I'm ready for it. You know how to find me.
Yeah, job searching can be exausting. Shouldn't be as much for me, this is supposed to be the area of life where I'm lucky and have good karma. Here's the astrology:

Jupiter in the Sixth House 6th hs
This is a very useful placement, because it enables you to learn through working. You are able to put off getting something you want at the moment in favor of a goal that is more distant and usually more meaningful in the long run. By doing this, you grow in maturity and understanding. You will gain a great deal by giving to and working for others, which may not pay off immediately, but eventually it will bring you more than you can imagine.
You need to find work that is meaningful for you. Dull, repetitive and seemingly pointless tasks will turn you off very quickly, for you do not have as much patience as some people. But if you know that your duties are important, you will carry on with them until the very end.
As you get older, you will try to understand the world and people through work and service to others. You will be most attracted to fields that expose you to as many different kinds of people and situations as possible. You may work in a foreign country or with foreign people.

Jupiter Trine Midheaven
This aspect will be extremely useful, first by helping you find the right direction to take in your life and, second, by enabling you to make others feel positive about you and eager to help if you need it. You have a strong sense of social responsibility, a feeling that you should give your life over to a purpose that is useful to the world. You will always get along easily with authorities. You know that they have something to teach you, and you are willing to learn from them. You will always have a project to work on, because you hate to be idle, either in mind or body. Usually you are busy with some consuming interest, which may mean more to you than being with others. You feel that you are self- sufficient, that your activities are enough to give you a sense of fulfillment in life.

This is true, I'd be sure to hire me if I were an employer. I beleive the Universe conspires to realize your wishes once you put them out there, so this is me doing exactly that.
My perfect job would be 30 hours per week, using my skills in psychology or astrology, or translating, or all of the above and maybe some other skills I might have, maybe computer skills or driving skills! And i'd be payed for it, a fair amount. I'd be happy with that.
Thank you Universe, in advance.

coldest weekend ever

This is in the highest mountain of mainland Portugal. Serra da Estrela. I've NEVER been so cold in my life as I was in these pictures, specially the first one. My face froze. It's gorgeous though.

"Surgiversary"

I had my gastric bypass 2 years ago, yesterday :)
been a nice ride all in all. Or at least it's nice to think so. I was supposed to have celebrated it, as a rebirth date, but i was too lazy to do that. Though I had a nice evening, going out to Bairro Alto, having some "jaquinzinhos" - they're tiny fried fish - and some nice white wine, with my boyfriend and his father. We're heading to the snow tomorrow, at Serra da Estrela. It has been snowing there a bit since last weekend.

Hopefully iIwon't freeze my ass there. Haven't bought proper winter clothes. I need a nice warm coat.
That's the bad thing about loosing so much weight, you need to keep buying new clothes for 2 years, while the weight is coming off you need to keep getting new stuff. So I started to buy mine second hand mostly, I find great things at Humana downtown. I have tons of big old clothes to give them too. I love to buy like 2 dreamy pairs of jeans (sometimes i'm lucky to find some already cut the right leg size for me), 3 shirts, and some shoes for less then 20 euros! Makes my day.
Humana is amazing. They accept 2 hand clothes that people donate and then sell them really cheap, and the profits go for charity. And maybe 20% of the stuff there is really good quality and nice taste. others are so kitsh it's funny to look at. Something for everyone there.
I weigh around 60 kgs now. I think that may be around 120 pounds. My body mass indicator says i'm normal :) not morbidly obese, not obese, not excessive weight.
I find that i'm loosing apetite though. Right now i'm starved, I know this because I feel a bit weak and slight headache, i haven't eaten in a few hours, but i don't feel like eating anything. It's strange and sometimes I get scared. Mostly because people are telling me i need to stop loosing weight, and it's just not happening, even though i eat half a can of condensed milk a day, on top of regular meals, Not sure I understand this . I lost 2 kg (4 pounds) at least in the last 3 weeks. Eating condensed milk almost everyday which is a calorie bomb. I'll ask the nutricionist about this. I have a feeling eating high sugared things can be causing the faster weight loss lately, as contradictory as it might sound. But it isn't so absurd. If i'm constantly starved like i have been mostly, the body goes into survival mode, and doesn't waste any energy, the metabolism lowers. If you have alot of calories it changes back to normal mode, and starts to burn as it would normaly. My weigh was alot more stable before i found i could have condensed milk and not feel so sick i could die.
And 2 years after the surgery you're supposed to begin having a certain tendency to put on weigh again, since the restrictive absortion effect of the surgery looses it's "effect" around this time.. the body makes up for it, gets used to it.. and the only thing that works to keep the weight down is the smaller stomache, which some people manage to strech alot by this time. Even if they don't there's always a slight tendency to gain a few pounds after the 2 year mark.
but this is not happening totally for me, i guess. I do feel I don't miss my vitamins as much, not at all actually. And haven't for maybe 2 months. Before this, if i forgot to take them in the morning i'd feel weak, and now I don't notice any difference.
So the absortive aspect (1 meter of the bowel is bypassed in order to be used for a different purpose other then absorving nutrients and calories, so that leads to further weight loss with this surgery, but that stops after 2 years because the body learns to compensate for it)
is problably working, meaning it has problably compensated as it's supposed to.
I think it's because i've been so stressed out too. My white blood cells just give up on me when i'm depressed and stressed. I can feel them do this. Also my stomache feels really full with half a cup of water when i'm stressed, it must shrink or something. But I know this is common .
Makes me feel it's urgent to start being happy. Happier.
I'm really thankful for lots of good things today. Just hope I keep learning to appreciate things more and more.
There would be alot more to talk about this surgery and all the aspects related to it. Saturn in virgo would be a nice time to talk more about it. Not sure i want to though. Maybe if it comes up. I get a feeling non bypassed people will think I'm a freak talking about this :)
Though people thinking i'm a freak tends to give me a bit of a kick, it's not always desirable and rarely my priority as I live my life, and do my choices.
Post secret: I crave acceptance some times.

Wishing you a nice weekend... I'll be back on monday, God willing.

Alpha < Sig.

I'm studying statistics until tuesday. So help me god.

Saturn return- it's official

I'm officially having my saturn return. Didn't think I would have it until next year, but it's doing a 3 degrees conjunction now.
I've been thinking about my natal saturn-sun opposition. I could generalize that to saturn opposing mercury too. Oh, and opposing mars by the way. in transit and progression. Makes me take criticism and disaproval of any form really seriously. Knocks me out actually. Sometimes I even imagine it and react to that, doesn't even have to be real. Most of the times that's what happens. Other times it's surprises me out of nowhere. All this makes me grow fast, and I've been having alot of it lately.
I think because I'm basically a good person and do my best most of the times, after agonizing about what I did wrong I usually find I didn't do anything to deserve being "saturnized", just unfair situations which Is unexpected as I didn't know this about saturn, but there's always things to learn from it. Like being careful, being observant, being quiet basically- as I feel I'm not in my normal state of conscience right now, with this jupiter in my moon, so being quiet would really save trouble right now. Fortunatly I've been that way all my life, and it doesn't take much to adapt. But for some years I have been trying to become more free of the fear that made me be like that in the first place. So I'm needing to learn a new posture, a middle ground.
Jupiter is still helping me feel like I can deal with this. Don't know how it will be next week though. We'll see.

Jupiter

This jupiter transit conjunct my moon has been alot like being posessed by an entity, full of good will and good feelings, but surprisingly failing miserably to express it's good intentions properly. I have a sagitarius moon which isn't known for being tactful, but this is different. Sometimes I'm not tactful because the truth seems much more important then tact, but this transit is more of being posessed by good feelings inside me and towards others like I rarely have been before. and then became amazed how that isn't expressive enough by itself.
I'm assuming things and failing. It feels bad. I am hurt when people don't see my good intentions, always. It's very frustrating.
This reminds me of something that was on my mind a few months back, about ackowledging the shadow in yourself, so it won't bite you in the ass.
A part of me is thankful for people enbodying she shadow biting me in the ass at this point. This never fails to make me stop and think. But I want some peace and I have it inside. I'll be sure to enjoy jupiter at this point, in a more introverted way. Besides, Saturn is no more a part of reality then any other planet. Life is about experiencing all of them. So for now I will pass on the suggestion to blame myself for other people's reactions.

Embrace your mortality

"Embrace your mortality" was the answer I got. The question : "What can I do to heal us?"

This was one of those chats between me and a specific part of my soul. I don't want to sound weird today, so I won't get into details about how it works. I just wanted to reflect about it.

( Don't mean to underestimate my fellow excentric-seekers-of-the-Truth's hability to be fascinated by these type of stories, but I don't want to over expose sacred things.)

I had forgotten this message, and accidently found it 2 days ago in an old email, where I used to keep a sort of diary.

Embrace your mortality. What does this mean?

It means: Be ok with the fact you are in a body. Be ok with being here temporarily and possibly leaving unexpectedly. Being ok with your plans being frustrated by death. Detach from your persona. Take care of your body, it's a precious tool. Learn to do this by yourself even though no one did it for you when you expected them to - and you survived it, see how powerful you are? - You can create this hability from scratch. you have this power.

To not accept death is just the same as not accepting life. There is a direct connection between both. The story behind me not accepting death would sound weird as it has to do with a past life event. I didn't want to be born. (Ask my mother!! ) They had to pull me out a few weeks after the due date for birth. For some reason I did come. But I know why, mostly. I have a big need to learn, gain awareness. And it seems being here is the way to do that faster.

Mortalility is a big concept... it's the physical death, ilness, pain, spiritual transition at any given time. The life I chose as Viviana has prepared me to accept this better then i did before. This and a couple of other things.

Learning to love yourself is another big part of healing. Be the most important person in someone's life, starting with your own, perhaps. I'm here to learn to love, and that includes alot of things that need to happen in the process.

Do you know what are you here for? Do you think it makes a difference?

Duet

The

love

I

give you

is

second hand.

I

feel

it

first.

Glycose & hedgehogs

I have been dreaming alot these last days. And I think it's related to my recent addiction to condensed milk. My brain missed having all the glicose, and the dreams are back with a vengence. They are very real. I don't remember the other night's dreams, but tonight I dreamt I was feeding baby hedgehogs, with an improvised baby bottle and it was a bit stressfull, they were very small. the dream lasted alot. I'd wake up and then go back to the dream a few times.

I love hedgehogs. I found on last december on my christmas vacation in the island. A baby, problably 3 months old. That's him on the photo. (I have more pictures of him on the archives of December) He was alone. I was looking for mushrooms and found him lying in the ground. When they are born late in the summer they are too young to hibernate and usually die during the winter.

I didn't know that then, but he seemed like he needed some mothering and I was all for it. I took him in my scarf to my home, he was a bit scared, rolled on himself.

then I went online and read about hedgehogs, what they eat, how to treat them.. first I gave him a warm bath and used an old tooth brush to clean and comb his spines, he loved the bath, he was relaxed by the warm water, this was day time so it meant it was sleep time for him, he wasn't very active, but he definatly relaxed more after the bath, I think that when he become my friend, he slept in my lap, without rolling into a ball like they do when they are afraid. Later that night he was up and starved, so I fetched him snails from the garden, and he devoured them in half a second, they were crunching in his mouth like popcorn!

People that have them as pets usually feed them cat food and fruit, and I tried it, but he didn't want any of that. He ate nothing but snails. Hedgehogs are very puppiesh, they are so gentle and cute, I fell in love with him. That was almost a year ago. Maybe that's why i'm dreaming of hedgehogs.

Anyway I am enjoying having loads of glycose on my blood again.

Cabo da Roca & update

This is me, sunday afternoon, at Cabo da Roca, supposedly the most western spot in europe (if you ignore the azores islands in the middle of the atlantic).

I've decided to start writing in english here, so more people can understand what i'm writing about :) pretty much all my portuguese readers understand english so this won't be a problem.

My S.A.D has given me a break these days, with jupiter conjunct my moon this week and the next, it's been nice.

Makes me think that if i had started taking anti depressants a few weeks ago when it began, I would think this break was due to it. But it isn't! I'm glad.

I'll be back soon to talk about stuff. I'll stop waiting for a good reason to write here and just force myself to, because it helps alot. All (nice) feedback from you is very welcome, in the language you prefer (just no deutsh, please anonimo or I'll have to use babel fish). off to bed.

Winter blues

(Ou SAD, seasonal affective disorder... ou depressão sazonal. Ou ainda, a historia da depressão ao longo da minha vida.)


Os sintomas mais típicos são:

Dormem por mais horas por dia no inverno, mas mesmo assim se sentem cansadas e
tem dificuldade acordar de manhã.
Aumento de apetite, vontade de comer
carboidratos e "Junk food".
Mudanças na energia e motivação: dificuldade de
concentração, execução de tarefas de rotina, fadiga, isolamento social e
diminuição do impulso sexual.
Mudanças no humor: irritabilidade, apatia,
baixa auto estima, sensação de depressão, tristeza e em casos extremos, idéias
suicidas.
Maior intensidade da Tensão Pré-Menstrual.

mais info em http://www.mentalhelp.com/depressao_sazonal.htm

Acho que sofro de Distimia há quase 4 anos, e antes disso já sofria de depressão sazonal. Que ataca no fim do verão, outubro tipicamente...entro em semi-hibernação, com os sintomas referidos acima, a vida é cinzenta e sem sentido e arrasto-me dia a dia, uns melhores e outros francamente maus. Depois por volta de abril voltava a sentir um surto de vida literalemente.. acordava uma bela manhã, sol a brilhar, os passaros a cantar e de repente a vida era fantástica e queria ir de novo viver, cheia de projectos e curiosidades.

Este post serve em parte para desabafar e em parte para organizar a minha historia clínica a este respeito.
Lembro de desde sempre ser reconhecida como mais introvertida que as minhas irmãs, era pensativa, e talvez me tenha sentido sozinha mts vezes, não lembro bem. Era mais angelical, gostava de agradar as pessoas, ouvir conversas dos adultos, fazer panquecas (aprendi a cozinha-las aos 7 anos) e café para as visitas diárias dos meus tios.
Não penso que tivesse sintomas de depressão.
Penso que começo a sentir os primeiros sintomas depressivos por volta dos 11 anos, a idade em que se vai para o ciclo preparatorio. Foi quando deixei os meus amigos da escola primaria, que ficaram a repetir o ano por serem mt novos. E fui enfrentar um inferno. Correu mt mal o processo de socialização. fui rejeitada por professores e colegas. Sentia terror de manhã quando tinha de ir para a escola. Senti isso até ao 8 ano do liceu, ano em que desisti da escola durante 1 ano, e depois voltei. a partir daí tudo correu bem. Fiquei na turma de pessoas mt mais normais e amigaveis e ter tido 1 ano longe de pessoas desconhecidas ajudou a organizar a minha identidade e sentir-me mais segura. E lembro de ter momentos bons nesses anos. Os meus verões eram muito bons sempre. apenas o inverno e a escola não.
Saltando uns anos á frente, sem grandes problemas além da costumeira SAD, penso que estive deprimida ou no mínimo distimica com crises depressivas masi graves no ano e meio anterior ao meu bypass gástrico. Aliás..... pensando melhor, ha 7 anos atrás qdo vim morar para Lisboa comecei a sentir que tinha a vida on hold, não estava a viver, estava a esperar. Cerca de 2 anos depois disso tive 1 ano e meio de crise absoluta de vida... por ter perdido o meu chão, a crença em Deus. Que fundava toda a minha vida, relaçoes sociais, planos.. Lembro de querer morrer, planear suicidio, the whole ordeal. Foi a segunda pior fase da minha vida, depois de uma que tive aos 14 anos (altura da oposiçao (aos 14) e quadratura (aos 21) de saturno até agora). Agora estou quase a ter a conjunção de saturno. o famoso retorno de saturno.. aos 29. enfim, ainda não cheguei lá. espero estar melhor preparada do que estive nas anteriores crises.

Sinto-me rodeada de obstáculos, sem a mínima orientação sobre o futuro, sem apoio significativo. Nestas alturas as pessoas desaparecem. Ou se aparecem acabam por piorar a coisa. As com que sou obrigada a lidar (como médicos) teem encontrado formas surreais de me espezinhar sem qq causa lógica ou coerente.
Quando se tem depressão todas as coisas más ficam a remoer durante dias, não desaparecem, ficam a envenenar a alma e o corpo. Entretanto fico stressada, ansiosa, infeliz... o cabelo cai, o corpo doi, a garganta começa a doer qdo engulo.. tipo dor muscular... voltaram as dores de gastrite. E a desgraça ganha ritmo e velocidade rumo a um sítio escuro e mt frio.

What to do?
terapia de luz? os tais candeeiros para combater o SAD existem em ptgal? Anti-depressivos? Venham eles. Ando em busca de todas as soluções. Hoje espero começar um curso de introdução á meditação. E vou tentar aguentar as pontas entretanto. Tenho fé que haja cura para isto. Chorar alivia ás vezes. Mesmo que tenha de ser sozinha.
Apesar de supostamente a depressão ser um desequilibrio dos neurotransmissores que distorcem a percepção das coisas, é uma altura em que a sobriedade impera. a dura realidade bate. a solidão.
Gostava de falar de td isto de forma menos generica. explicar as crises pessoais multiplas e confusas que estou a viver. mas este não é o local indicado para isso.

Acho que qdo comecei este blog, parti do principio que a bondade alheia era um dado adquirido, e que era eu que percisava de mudar e aprender a abrir-me. Está bastante comprovado que essa premissa não está correcta, e as pessoas boas são mesmo a minoria. E que mesmo essas são apenas humanas. Como eu. Cheias de complexos ás vezes dificeis de entender e lidar. De aceitar.

Acho que estou a aguentar me por uns fios. e que mt provavelmente virão mais problemas, mais pressão. Estou nas mãos de Deus. Qdo chegar ao fundo vou chorar até perder o folego, e depois vou respirar. E aquilo a que se chama vida vai manter-se em mim. Morro por dentro, mas o coração não pára, os pulmoes não param. e a alma vê-se obrigada a estar aqui. passar por tudo. sim, já passei por isso , já sei como é. Mas não me culpem se eu não quiser passar por isso mais uma vez.

voltando á organização das crises... a fase pre bypass foi claramente depressiva, e com razões para isso. Mais grave é quando não ha razoes para isso. Apos o bypass perdi 50 kgs. O sonho de uma vida. Mas não senti felicidade. senti no maximo alivio de ja nao sofrer o que sofria antes. Entrei num estado de apatia. a comida era uma droga, e fiquei sem ela. Claro que continuo a comer, mas o sabor é diferente, o efeito é diferente, a satisfação não existe mais. Tudo cinzento. pensei que era ressaca, e que ia passar. mas não. ja la vao 2 anos de apatia e indiferença com curtos espaços de tempo mais alegres. E agora estou a piorar dia a dia com os winter blues. Não conhecia esta expressao, dei com ela hj na net.. winter blues, soa a eufemismo. mas é bonito, e deixei.
não poupei mt do dramatismo da realidade actual neste post. Acredito que se sobreviver a isto, acabará por vir alturas mt melhores em que isto vai parecer mt distante. e aí será interessante reler. a vida dá voltas. O dia sucede a noite. cá estarei, espero.