Being grateful

I was laying on the couch... after another works day, feeling bored and like life doesn't make a whole lot of sense...
I decided to get my butt of the couch and of the house and go for a stroll on my bike. Going around the corner i saw a 2 year old boy running naked and his mom after him, i smiled. The boredom started to lift a bit. I started realizing I don't feel happiness. And i started to wonder why. I finally have everything i need to be happy, dont I?
I am confortable with my body, my weight, after a life long struggle with that. I am able to live by myself in a nice place, able to ride a bike in a beautiful place, with nice houses and lovely trees... the temperature is perfect.. I see cats laying around on the grass... I start feeling better. more relaxed. I start to worry that if I cant feel totally happy right now, i never will. I am sure of that. Then i realize / remember the secret to happiness is to be grateful for things. Its all about perspective.
I start singing "give thanks with a grateful heart" as i stroll in the bike... -"wish i had a nice voice.. wish i could actually sing... then i'd be happier much easier. ugh, back to being thankful for the good things.." - I start giving thanks for the nice weather, the bike, my healthy body, for cats, for birds i see, for my blond arm hairs... for the trees...etc. I realize i will never be happy by having material things, if thats all there is in my life. I need to learn to be happy. This insight has been building up in the last days. And it was a bit scary to realize it because for a few minutes it seemed it was out of my control to be happy or not. I felt alot better after doing this exercise of gratefulness.As I strolled around looking at the houses, sometimes glimpsing people inside them doing whatever, or watering their lawns, i wondered if they are happy, and I wondered if i would be happy having that life, by that i just mean having their house which is all i know about how their life is. No, I wouldnt, i realized. If that's all i had, i'd be even emptier, i'd be desilusioned and farther away from it. I wonder if u understand what im talking about. I think people that have dreams and wants are the happiest. I guess its because once u get it, it soon looses its power to make u happy.
I asked myself how do other people do it. how are they happy? they have famillies, was what came to mind imediatly. they have kids. and I pondered on that notion... kids are happy. u can be happy for them. happy for making them happy. happy to ignore your saturn, your "age", your lack of life outside of them. thats a totally valid thing to do. it really is. life is what you put your mind to think/see it is. There's saturn, but theres also jupiter, sun, etc, they are all part of life. none more valid than the other.
I think i would be happy if i was able to have friends over at my house alot, and being involved in my community.
I'm happy when im making other people happy. When they enjoy the food i make and being in my house. Happy when i have puppies and sometimes cats. Happy around beauty. Happy when i'm growing and learning, becoming better.
I'll keep working on it...

album monterey

What behaviors create challenges in an intimate relationship and how can we change them? I wish someone could tell me what to avoid next time?

As you know, intimate relationships, though complicated, are our opportunity to know ourselves and grow emotionally and spiritually. Through the insights we gain in our relationships we leave behind childhood patterns and we become adults.
Some essential unconscious behaviors that create challenges in an intimate relationship:

• Denying, repressing or not appropriately expressing feelings. This pattern is associated with past emotional wounds.
• Not taking responsibility for our true needs and not taking action to fulfill them. This creates expectations that our ‘happiness’ depends on the other person.
• Projecting our denied parts on the other and then holding that person a prisoner of our projections.
• Not being present. Reliving the past or anticipating the future.

Below are the solutions I propose. Of course, these steps take time, as the y form an entire journey to finding wholeness and inner peace.

1. List your expectations of the other, such as “He should do/be________in order for me to be happy/whole/in control. “ These expectations point to neglected needs that you project on the other, creating expectations.

2. Embrace and take responsibility for your projections, then turn them around. “He should understand me” becomes “ I understand him/myself”. “He should show acceptance” becomes “I accept him/myself.”

3. Allow unaccepted feelings to emerge—anger, hurt, shame, envy. Feel them, own them, embrace them and confess them to someone you trust. Usually they are associated with parts about yourself/your past you haven’t accepted. Embrace them. Don’t act on the feelings.

4. Stay in the present—embrace the present. Free your mind from the past and the future.

5. Once you accept the rejected, repressed parts of yourself, you will see clearly who the other is in the relationship. Withdrawing your projections by accepting all there is to accept in yourself and staying present in the now will allow you to love the other without expectations. This frees the other to relax and be their true self in the relationship. This keeps the flow of a relationship alive. If, after withdrawing your projections, you realize that you can’t love the other and be in a relationship with them, you can choose to leave.

Remember, a challenging relationship is a situation. To address it, you must first accept it as is, and they change it, or leave it. The key here is that, in order to change a relationship you don’t change the other person. You change how you relate to them.

http://mariagrace.com/2-Marias-Teachings/behaviors-intimate-relationship

Anguished rambles.

I've noticed that one of the secrets of people that date the same person for years, as opposed to someone like me that dates for an average of 2- 3 months before ending it, is that the first ones are very good at "escaping" being intensive. Not the kind of thing i want to escape though. If it has to end eventually, i'd rather know it as soon as possible, and the only way to know it is by being intensive, spending alot of time together, talking and doing stuff. Talking about serious things, and not being afraid of investing in the relationship.

I remember last time I went to an astrologer, i was telling him my relationship at the time wasn't intense enough, was sort of superficial, and the astrologer surprised me by replying something along the lines of "intensity makes it die".... I guess he was thinking of pluto, intensity =death. But wont it die anyway if it has to? I dont get it. Help.
The only advantage that i see in taking it slow, is that it grows on more solid ground, which i guess is a good thing. I'm confused. I think I project myself too fast and then i think that if the person doesn't fall head over heels right there then it will never happen so its not worth trying it.
This is my impulse, not my reason.
I have been in a happy relationship for 3 months and invested fast and possibly too much. Now i'm thinking i need a plan B. I'm thinking maybe I imposed myself. And if I did, can it be fixed? how can i respect someone that let that happen? How can I not become cynical about the whole thing?
If everything is alright and there is no problem, why do I feel alone?

a) I feel alone because I am alone, of course. I moved accross the globe a few months ago and I dont make friends fast.
b) I feel alone because I delluded myself into giving and expecting too much out of a single person, a person that has a life, with hobbies, familly and friends.
c) I've felt alone all of my life with very rare momentary exceptions, so that is to be expected.
d) All of the above.

Not easy having saturn in the 7th in times like these. If i actually dont leave and try to stick through problems it can make the Other feel bad for causing problems, and sometimes that's the reason it ends. Sucks, huh? That's what happened last time. I have too many fresh bad experiences in my mind still. Its hard to be positive.
I'll try to pray about it. Its confusing to pray when you dont know exactly who you're talking to, but i beleive in the power of prayer. It prepares you energetically to receive whatever it is you want to atract.

I do take me

"I do take me"

A poem that is a tribute to the most forgeotten love which is the love of self ... - By Astarius


I love myself with all my heart
Eternal knowing God in part
No more hatred, no more pain
Legacy of heaven mine to claim

once i really hated me
a self induced catastrophy
Others began to hate me too
Hatred's reflexion became my due

When i look in any mirror
each reflection is my own
if i dislike that which I am
Rejection by others will be shown

In self acceptance let me grow
to here by let all others know
I want others to accept me too
They only follow what I do

I ask myself to marry me
to thus fulfill my destiny
I promisse always to be true
Self love and honour I am due

Sweet self I'm sorry for the pain
Forgive and love me once again
I want me for eternity
a better lover than to be

Now every bond is sweeter too
For loving me is loving you
within the church of heaven's house
I do take me to be my spouse


www.astarius.com

30

Estou neste planeta há 3 decadas :)

Um dia esquesito porque estou com uma constipação chata. Não de para celebrar da melhor forma, mas todos os dias são dias.
Vou dormir. .. ver se amanha estou melhor.

The Sims are calling

A vida por aqui tem tido altos e baixos. Agora estou num dos baixos, mas a subir, espero.
Tinha estado a ter sintomas de depressão meios disfarçados, ou pelos menos diferentes do usual em mim, até que tive uma fase aguda há 2 semanas. comecei a tomar um antidepressivo no dia seguinte. Senti diferença no dia seguinte... os pensamentos já nao eram negativos, e quando lembrava de alguma situação má, já não sentia o mesmo que antes. Tomei paxil nos primeiros dias, e gostei, mas tive de mudar para wellbutrin, porque como nao tenho seguro de saude nao posso ir a um medico, e estou a tomar medicamentos de pessoas que tinham disto em casa por terem tomado durante mts anos, e o stock de paxil era mt limitado, o de wellbutrin eh quase infinito, estou a tomar 200 gr por dia.


Com o acompanhamento possivel, está a correr tudo ok. O WB é o melhor antidepressivo no mercado, dizem os medicos. enquanto o paxil é um SSRI (inibe serotonina) o wellbutrin funciona com outros neurotransmissores, ataca por todos os lados, mt eficaz. Mas o paxil era mais confortavel para mim. o wellbutrin causa alguma tensão, ao contrario dos outros antidepressivos nao é calmante, as pessoas ficam mais activas. tem algumas reacçoes com outros medicamentos, e causa sono mt leve, por isso estou a tomar outra coisa para dormir.. mas enfim, está a correr bem. sinto-me estável. No primeiro dia que tomei wellbutrin nao dormi nada, e no dia seguinte estive bastante pior , por isso nao dispenso ajuda para dormir para ja. Com o tempo os efeitos secundarios pode ser que diminuam. Tenho deitado 2 horas mais cedo.
sinto que isto foi a ajuda definitiva para parar a espiral descendente que a vida toma qdo ficou deprimida. Não tive de cortar horas de work como pensei que teria.
Enfim, mas este não era para ser um post mt sério. Era só para dizer que decidi dedicar a minha vida aos sims. Amanha vou reinstala-los no computador, e seja o que Deus quiser. :) Preciso de umas férias da vida real.

The bucket list

I got this by email....

Hit forward and place an (x) by all the things you've done and removethe (x) from the ones you have not. Then send it to your friends(including me). This is for your entire life!

( x) Been to Europe
( ) Been on a cruise
( ) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X ) Been to Florida
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
( X) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Climbed a lighthouse
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
() Seen the Cherry Blossoms in Washington, D.C.
(X) Played cops and robbers( ) Flown a plane( ) Owned a boat
( ) Watched grandchildren grow
(x) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby
( ) Been to Key West
( ) Been to a rodeo
( x) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
() Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
() Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
() Seen the green flash at sunset
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Owned a convertible ( ) Bungee Jumped ( ) Caught snakes
( ) Eaten Anchovies
( ) Been in all 50 states 1. Any nick name? vivi
Mother's name?Ines
3. Favorite drink? mango lassi, hot chocolate, cherry pepsi
4. Body Piercing? ears, and nose once, not for long. i miss it sometimes.
5. How much do you love your job? lately not that much.
Birthplace? Merced, CA.
7. Ever been to Hawaii? No
8. Ever been to Africa? No
9. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? Yes
10. Ever been on TV? I think so. I was filmed a few times, don't know if it ever aired.
11. Ever steal any traffic sign? not traffic exactly, but a location sign. not my idea. my housemate from germany thought it would be a cool addition to our apartment, it was VERY heavy and big.
12. Ever been in a car accident? only motocyle. in the car i had a litle bump, wouldn't count that as accident. the moto ones were kinda serious though.
13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? two
15. Favorite number? 21
16. Favorite movie? spring summer fall winter, very zen and touching.
17. Favorite holiday? any that gives me a day off.
18. Favorite dessert? things with coconut and chocolate are usually at the top, but depends alot on the mood. once i had a passion fruit pudding that was unforgetable.
19. Favorite food? maybe pizza. when it's good, it's amazing.

20. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
21. Favorite brand of body wash? several, depends on the season. can't remember the one i'm using now, but it's good.
23. Favorite smell? smell of moist earth with plants, and... cement (on new constructions) , and ocean.
24. How do you relax? eating good food, breathing and meditating, music, talking to friends.
25. How do you see yourself in 10 years? maybe married with one or 2 babies, in a house by the ocean, or maybe single living in an ecovillage leading an excentric lifestyle, or any other way, it's a shot in the darj at this point, but either way i hope i will be living more fully than now, if that is possible, and it problably is.

more photos

The girls i work with....I made this art project for valentine's day. christmas decorations out, new holiday decorations in, that's how it goes. they are very cute.

New friends. At the mystery spot, in santa cruz. :) weird place.

Chris and me, our first time in santa cruz.

I'll try to take some time to write soon. too many things have happened. i'm pretty busy!

new furniture

don't mind the messy coffee table

or the spare tv...:)

Validation

the law of atraction :)

Mais pics

A pedido de várias famílias, seguem mais algumas fotos.

Esta é do walk-in closet...

My new quilt :D Sempre quiz uma.

O patiozinho... Comprei umas flores mas ainda não plantei.

O entertainment center/ dresser.... meio messy. A tv não dá nada além de dvds..... a não ser que eu meta tv a cabo. Aqui a Comcast tem o monopolio, e preços mt elevados.. por isso ainda não meti. entretanto agora tenho outra tvzinha no quarto que apanha os canais locais.

New home

This is the new apartment, i just moved into last thursday. it will be a week tomorrow!

This bedroom set i found on craigslist, it cost 600 dollars! the matress alone was bought for 900. i saved more than $2000 on the bedroom alone.

then the couch costed $40. the couch, the kitchen ware, the coffee table, and the entertainment center which i just realized i forgot to take a picture of, i got from a guy i found on craigslist, that was moving and wanted to get rid of his stuff.. also a vacum cleaner, lots of other stuff. some lucky deals. I think the house is cozy and cute, and has LOADS of storage. so it«s not hard to keep it looking clean. the ktichen table was a mess there, because i just got home and put everything on it. but usually it's clean.

I'm tired from work.. it's getting more stressful there. I have no working tv... cable is very expensive here.. and mostly crappy stuff....so i'm not sure i'll get it or not. right now i'm listening to the litle radio that is in the bedroom... nice music and some news. geez. can't beleive i forgot to take a picture of the entertainment center.. it has the tv, some books, a painting, a picture, a sculped mask by Nuno Afonso which i LOVE. anyway. these pictures i took in a hurry, so my mom could see them now. i might take some more later.

i need to go find out how the laundry place works.. i'm a bit stresesed having so much to do. i need to learn to manage my time.

big sur camping

Election Day

So today is election day!

It was also my first day at work.

Lots of news... I took a picture of the official Ballot, I thought it might be interesting for those of you who will never see one. You get to vote for the president, representatives blabla, local school directors, and in 12 propositions (referendos) . one of the most talked about was prop 8 which wants to extinguish gay people's right to get married! prop 2 wants animal farms to be obliged to let all animals be free for at least half an hour a day, to strech limbs, wings, etc.

So i thought it was cool that we're able to vote for all these things all at once.

Next I will post pictures of last weekend...

Mix Pix

Text

No post abaixo seguem as fotos do fim de semana. Nas fotos nao se percebe bem, mas os meus olhos estão raiados de sangue, big time, mesmo á halloween porque na quinta feira fiz lasik, uma cirurgia com laser para tirar a miopia. Eu tinha aprox -6 dioptrias, e no dia seguinte tinha uma visao 20/25. Cada dia melhora um pouco. Dá para conduzir e fazer tudo normalmente, é miraculoso, libertador. Ficaram assim todos raiados de sangue no entanto. O que me fazia rir á gargalhada nos primeiros 2 dias sempre que me via ao espelho, pq tava assustador.

Ontem fui ao Sequoia National Park com o Jay - que é o homem todo hot que aparece nas fotos de vez em qdo - tirei mais fotos mas nas que não aparece uma pessoa na foto não dá para ter noção da proporção das arvores. Pareciamos uns gnomos :) Foi mt lindo. Fica a hora e meia daqui.

Não ando mt inspirada para fotos nem para escrever. A cirurgia lasik dava um belo post por si só. Se quiserem perguntar alguma coisa nos comentarios eu depois desenvolvo. Tenho de ir lavar uma transportadora de caes onde temos um gato a viver, e que ta toda imunda.... e ver se faço alguma coisa, tenho sido uma inutil por aqui estes dias.
Ta mt calor aki agora.. deve tar 30 e mts graus.
No parque ontem ficou frio depois das 4 da tarde.. dai as luvas e casaco. tinha mts avisos sobre ursos e como lidar com eles.. caixotes de lixo preparados á prova de urso. é proibido ter comida dentro dos carros, pq eles partem os vidros para ir buscar! mesmo fruta e coisas sem cheiro. tem que se deixar em contentores especiais. Não vimos nenhum felizmente, nem cascaveis.. so uns esquilos.
Outra novidade boa foi que descobri o meu mais recente CD favorito, nao sei se é o album ou a banda - acho que a banda - chama-se Illinoise...... fiquei in love.
Hasta =)

Sequoia National park + lasik + Jay

Here goes the pictures. the text with all the news will be right up.