New painting

The first one is the one i painted! the second is the original. I saw it in an art gallery with a friend and he loved it, so I decided to paint one for him :D
I like the end result. Its not my kind of painting but was fun to do. I need to paint more. This gallery exposes paintings of new local artists. Maybe one day i will have enough paintings to show there. I need at least 15.

Life has been hectic and weird otherwise. With some good moments. I'm depressed again but avoiding getting back on medication for now. I will have health insurance soon, so will try to see a therapist.
I'm going to move to a new place with a roomate, we will share a 2 bedroom place, which should be awesome and cheap. We are excited about 2 places now. We will apply for both and see what happens.
Hope you like the painting!
Love and miss my friends in LX!

Connect / mono retreat

Not sure what to call it. I'm going on a retreat with the purpose of: connecting. First with myself, eventually with others. My method: monotask. I will not multitask. I will be in meditation, prayer, and doing reiki to myself daily. I will go about my normal life except i won't have my phone connected and won't be using the messengers online. That will give me ALOT oof free hours during the day to exercise, meditate, ride bike, etc. Do things that energize me and not drain me.
Though i will be online a limited time a day and will check emails. Won't watch TV mostly. But if i do I won't be using the pc or eating at the same time. I will meditate/do reiki about one hour a day at least. I plan on going to a local church too. Need to check their schedule tomorrow.
So, it will be very simple. Basically i wont be chatting online or multitasking. And the free time i get from that i will be doing good things for myself, meditation being a priority. I will try it for at least a week.

I went to the meditation on monday, and got 2 interesting messages. One directly to me from my Guide: question->how do I heal myself? Answer: Connect.
The other message was that intention without action leads to nothing. Action leads to success. Action implies structure, saturn, limits. ACTION. to act. to move. to do things.

meditation meetup

Today the ideal opportunity to finally attend the meditation meetup came up.
after meditating for half an hour we read parts of a book and then discussed it.

I've been very out of it mentally, for lack of proper rest, for alot of stressful events, heartbreak, toxic people too close, depression, getting off depression medication, and not being able to cope very well with any of that. Being here away from people and places i know makes me disabled to deal with stuff it seems.

Whatever.

What i was trying to say is that because of this, i only retained a few ideas from the meetup and i thought i'd write them down here. Randomly:

Quote: If you want to be a light in the world, prepare to be burned.

In a book about an interview between the dalai lama and a scientist the later asked if the Dalai Lama regrets anything in his life. He responded that he regrets what he said when an aging monk came to him agonizing about not being to do the hardcore exercise he had done all his life, he wanted to know what he could do to be able to do them again, and D.L. suggested he moved on with his life, accepting he is now old. That monk went on and killed himself. Then the scientist asked : how were you able to eventually leave that event behind you? The D. Lama replied: I haven't.

Note to self/moral of story: we can carry all the bad events with us, not forget /ignore them and still have space for all the good things in life. The soul is big enough for all of it. Bad things don't need to take over the soul, they can be remembered and relived, not good to dwell too much, but not good to forget it either. Its easier to forget it. But then you loose a bit of your soul, a but of who you are.

i needed to hear that.
Another thing, off topic, that i needed to hear and came to me last night through an email is:
"What other people think about you is none of your business". I love that. so true. Other people can project whatever crap they want on me, but it only informs about who they are, what they have inside. Always healing to remember that.

We also read a book entitled Places we Fear... but I wasnt able to take much fr0m it, i'd need to read it and re-read it as i have saturn-mercury on top of all the things mentioned above. I look forward to going next week again.

my best side pictures @ Palácio da Pena

At Palácio da Pena, in Sintra, Portugal. Wearing a hat the wrong way. Wearing some unexpected bunny ears.

My other side doesn't look as good, I'm glad i'm right handed. This palace is my favorite in the world. It's so moon conjunct neptune in sagitarius: the ocean theme, neptune, sea shells on the walls, and the international decoration of each room. which we couldn't take pictures of... the colours are awesome. yellow, magenta, chess paterns.....

this one was in Bairro alto. Its fuzzy , but i like it.

lisbon + faial, August 2009

Polyamory

POLYAMORY: Love—Poly Style -Newsweek

:) Neptune-Jupiter conjunct my mars = Poly!!!

Happiness obsession

I hope Bruno and Devil Mood give me permission to copy paste their comments to the last post:

Bruno said...

Hi babe! I think being happy can have multiple setups but generally it depends on two things:

1. Having a purpose for your life.

Most people have a purpose like having kids, others to fulfill professional objectives or reach certain goals, others to help / service the community, etc.
So the first thing to do is to figure out what purpose you want to give to your life.


2. Being Yourself and growing inside

Many people live to create a superficial image to show to others and even though they might seem happy, they are actually miserable inside and can't stand being alone.

When we are ourselves most of the time, we tend to feel security. Our concepts our ideals they should all come from within and not from other sources. Only then we are truly ourselves.

Finding someone to share your life for example relies a lot in the ability of being able to be yourself with the other person. I had the luck of experiencing such feeling and swore never to forget it so I can recognize it when I find the right person.

Being ourselves also protects us from external negativity and social pressure. It means we have a mind of our own and stick with our beliefs.

Do realize that even though being ourselves is great, we have to be open to change into growing and improving our ideals & concepts.
Sticking with our beliefs is fine but not if the behavior ends up to be self-destructive.

I learned to avoid self-destructivity and try to improve myself solely based on that concept.
This means when I feel like reacting negative, remind myself to stop and think "Is there a better way to react? How?" and then react the better way. This greatly improved my relationship with others and my professional attitude.

As a general rule, any negative emotional reaction is bad. Sometimes I feel revolted about unfair things and just feel like blowing but at the same time know it won't take me anywhere good neither it is a good way to react.
Lack of self-control is a weakness.

I hope my ramblings enlighten you.

Kisses

Devil Mood said...

It can be a constant struggle for some people, while it seems to come naturally for the rest of them.
Anyway, happiness is an american obsession. Obviously everyone wants to be happy or to feel good, at least, but the obsessive pursuit of happiness is not the way to go, I believe.
I was reading a book about that but I gave it up..haha ;)

Bruno said...

Yep being obsessive about it is not a good thing either.

Well... being obsessive about anything too I guess... :)

I think most people only find up to a certain level of happiness.

If you focus on following a constructive path in your life, you should find happiness somewhere along the way. Or shall I say... it should find you!

Me: Hi Bruno, i'm trying to figure out if I know you or not, can u give me a clue? Thank you for your input. Devil mood (((hugz)))

I think maybe happiness has different meanings for people. I have this intuitive theory that fire signs are naturally happy. and by happy I mean they are ALIVE. everything they do has alot of life. They're Here. They're enjoying being here.
And it seems to be as natural as breathing. Its just a theory. I dont really know alot of fire signs deeply. The ones i know have actually been depressed at times, but when not, they're back to being the way i described.

For a Pisces like me, that doesn't happen. At ALL. Being on earth at least half the time feels wrong and uncomfortable. and weird, unfamiliar. some rare moments it feels good, when im allowed to be oblivious and free and comfortable physically, then i'm able to be in a different place in spirit. So, its not about being obsessed about being in an ideal state of perfectness. By happy i mean satisfied, content, alive enough to function in a way that doesn't bring other people down. Its much more of a practical thing. If u have to be incarnated, its very practical to be a somewhat happy person, stable. I'm not too stable, I'm fighting to keep sanity and control of basic stuff, mainly in relationships with others, that's the area that hurts the most.

The ways to have a fulfilled life certainly have to do with goals, as Bruno pointed out. At least for most people it does. I think Buddhists say its the other way around though, having no wishes is the best way to not be disappointed. But I think for me, at my level of conscience, it works to have goals, to keep me motivated, like the donkey that walks to get the carrot in front of his nose..( i think this is a reference to "dom quixote")

Anyway. Its a practical matter as well as a philosophical point. I've heard and seen many times in my life that poor people are happiest. Except in countries with big extremes of poverty and richness, like the US and big cities in Brazil, there the poor can be angry and revolted because they see closely what they are missing. That keeps them from being grateful for what they have, and that's what was happening to me, not being grateful. And there's where lies the choice to be happy or not.
Happy people are grateful and they appreciate little things.

The other point Bruno made was about being yourself. It reminds me of Carl rogers idea of being congruent as a basis of healthy psyche. I've always agreed with him, even though some people say its too naive. I have no doubt that my peace of mind and self esteem depend on being true to myself, and once you give up on it you're lost, living a lie, totally disconnected from yourself. And that's how most people live. Some people have social masks which they live intensely, and then are able to go back to being their true self with people they trust, I imagine, I can't really do that. Not enough social intelligence. not enough cynicism, and not enough motivation to do it. I don't understand those people at all, they scare me, to be honest. Not saying they are bad people, at all, just different essence and history.

I'm sleepy and tired. I had morning insomnia all of last week. waking up at 5 am feeling fine. Now that i'm back to sleeping i feel really tired. think i might be getting sick. So I hope this post made sense, I'm not editing it much, as i usually do. Need to go to bed. Thank u for commenting!

Being grateful

I was laying on the couch... after another works day, feeling bored and like life doesn't make a whole lot of sense...
I decided to get my butt of the couch and of the house and go for a stroll on my bike. Going around the corner i saw a 2 year old boy running naked and his mom after him, i smiled. The boredom started to lift a bit. I started realizing I don't feel happiness. And i started to wonder why. I finally have everything i need to be happy, dont I?
I am confortable with my body, my weight, after a life long struggle with that. I am able to live by myself in a nice place, able to ride a bike in a beautiful place, with nice houses and lovely trees... the temperature is perfect.. I see cats laying around on the grass... I start feeling better. more relaxed. I start to worry that if I cant feel totally happy right now, i never will. I am sure of that. Then i realize / remember the secret to happiness is to be grateful for things. Its all about perspective.
I start singing "give thanks with a grateful heart" as i stroll in the bike... -"wish i had a nice voice.. wish i could actually sing... then i'd be happier much easier. ugh, back to being thankful for the good things.." - I start giving thanks for the nice weather, the bike, my healthy body, for cats, for birds i see, for my blond arm hairs... for the trees...etc. I realize i will never be happy by having material things, if thats all there is in my life. I need to learn to be happy. This insight has been building up in the last days. And it was a bit scary to realize it because for a few minutes it seemed it was out of my control to be happy or not. I felt alot better after doing this exercise of gratefulness.As I strolled around looking at the houses, sometimes glimpsing people inside them doing whatever, or watering their lawns, i wondered if they are happy, and I wondered if i would be happy having that life, by that i just mean having their house which is all i know about how their life is. No, I wouldnt, i realized. If that's all i had, i'd be even emptier, i'd be desilusioned and farther away from it. I wonder if u understand what im talking about. I think people that have dreams and wants are the happiest. I guess its because once u get it, it soon looses its power to make u happy.
I asked myself how do other people do it. how are they happy? they have famillies, was what came to mind imediatly. they have kids. and I pondered on that notion... kids are happy. u can be happy for them. happy for making them happy. happy to ignore your saturn, your "age", your lack of life outside of them. thats a totally valid thing to do. it really is. life is what you put your mind to think/see it is. There's saturn, but theres also jupiter, sun, etc, they are all part of life. none more valid than the other.
I think i would be happy if i was able to have friends over at my house alot, and being involved in my community.
I'm happy when im making other people happy. When they enjoy the food i make and being in my house. Happy when i have puppies and sometimes cats. Happy around beauty. Happy when i'm growing and learning, becoming better.
I'll keep working on it...

album monterey

What behaviors create challenges in an intimate relationship and how can we change them? I wish someone could tell me what to avoid next time?

As you know, intimate relationships, though complicated, are our opportunity to know ourselves and grow emotionally and spiritually. Through the insights we gain in our relationships we leave behind childhood patterns and we become adults.
Some essential unconscious behaviors that create challenges in an intimate relationship:

• Denying, repressing or not appropriately expressing feelings. This pattern is associated with past emotional wounds.
• Not taking responsibility for our true needs and not taking action to fulfill them. This creates expectations that our ‘happiness’ depends on the other person.
• Projecting our denied parts on the other and then holding that person a prisoner of our projections.
• Not being present. Reliving the past or anticipating the future.

Below are the solutions I propose. Of course, these steps take time, as the y form an entire journey to finding wholeness and inner peace.

1. List your expectations of the other, such as “He should do/be________in order for me to be happy/whole/in control. “ These expectations point to neglected needs that you project on the other, creating expectations.

2. Embrace and take responsibility for your projections, then turn them around. “He should understand me” becomes “ I understand him/myself”. “He should show acceptance” becomes “I accept him/myself.”

3. Allow unaccepted feelings to emerge—anger, hurt, shame, envy. Feel them, own them, embrace them and confess them to someone you trust. Usually they are associated with parts about yourself/your past you haven’t accepted. Embrace them. Don’t act on the feelings.

4. Stay in the present—embrace the present. Free your mind from the past and the future.

5. Once you accept the rejected, repressed parts of yourself, you will see clearly who the other is in the relationship. Withdrawing your projections by accepting all there is to accept in yourself and staying present in the now will allow you to love the other without expectations. This frees the other to relax and be their true self in the relationship. This keeps the flow of a relationship alive. If, after withdrawing your projections, you realize that you can’t love the other and be in a relationship with them, you can choose to leave.

Remember, a challenging relationship is a situation. To address it, you must first accept it as is, and they change it, or leave it. The key here is that, in order to change a relationship you don’t change the other person. You change how you relate to them.

http://mariagrace.com/2-Marias-Teachings/behaviors-intimate-relationship

Anguished rambles.

I've noticed that one of the secrets of people that date the same person for years, as opposed to someone like me that dates for an average of 2- 3 months before ending it, is that the first ones are very good at "escaping" being intensive. Not the kind of thing i want to escape though. If it has to end eventually, i'd rather know it as soon as possible, and the only way to know it is by being intensive, spending alot of time together, talking and doing stuff. Talking about serious things, and not being afraid of investing in the relationship.

I remember last time I went to an astrologer, i was telling him my relationship at the time wasn't intense enough, was sort of superficial, and the astrologer surprised me by replying something along the lines of "intensity makes it die".... I guess he was thinking of pluto, intensity =death. But wont it die anyway if it has to? I dont get it. Help.
The only advantage that i see in taking it slow, is that it grows on more solid ground, which i guess is a good thing. I'm confused. I think I project myself too fast and then i think that if the person doesn't fall head over heels right there then it will never happen so its not worth trying it.
This is my impulse, not my reason.
I have been in a happy relationship for 3 months and invested fast and possibly too much. Now i'm thinking i need a plan B. I'm thinking maybe I imposed myself. And if I did, can it be fixed? how can i respect someone that let that happen? How can I not become cynical about the whole thing?
If everything is alright and there is no problem, why do I feel alone?

a) I feel alone because I am alone, of course. I moved accross the globe a few months ago and I dont make friends fast.
b) I feel alone because I delluded myself into giving and expecting too much out of a single person, a person that has a life, with hobbies, familly and friends.
c) I've felt alone all of my life with very rare momentary exceptions, so that is to be expected.
d) All of the above.

Not easy having saturn in the 7th in times like these. If i actually dont leave and try to stick through problems it can make the Other feel bad for causing problems, and sometimes that's the reason it ends. Sucks, huh? That's what happened last time. I have too many fresh bad experiences in my mind still. Its hard to be positive.
I'll try to pray about it. Its confusing to pray when you dont know exactly who you're talking to, but i beleive in the power of prayer. It prepares you energetically to receive whatever it is you want to atract.

I do take me

"I do take me"

A poem that is a tribute to the most forgeotten love which is the love of self ... - By Astarius


I love myself with all my heart
Eternal knowing God in part
No more hatred, no more pain
Legacy of heaven mine to claim

once i really hated me
a self induced catastrophy
Others began to hate me too
Hatred's reflexion became my due

When i look in any mirror
each reflection is my own
if i dislike that which I am
Rejection by others will be shown

In self acceptance let me grow
to here by let all others know
I want others to accept me too
They only follow what I do

I ask myself to marry me
to thus fulfill my destiny
I promisse always to be true
Self love and honour I am due

Sweet self I'm sorry for the pain
Forgive and love me once again
I want me for eternity
a better lover than to be

Now every bond is sweeter too
For loving me is loving you
within the church of heaven's house
I do take me to be my spouse


www.astarius.com

30

Estou neste planeta há 3 decadas :)

Um dia esquesito porque estou com uma constipação chata. Não de para celebrar da melhor forma, mas todos os dias são dias.
Vou dormir. .. ver se amanha estou melhor.

The Sims are calling

A vida por aqui tem tido altos e baixos. Agora estou num dos baixos, mas a subir, espero.
Tinha estado a ter sintomas de depressão meios disfarçados, ou pelos menos diferentes do usual em mim, até que tive uma fase aguda há 2 semanas. comecei a tomar um antidepressivo no dia seguinte. Senti diferença no dia seguinte... os pensamentos já nao eram negativos, e quando lembrava de alguma situação má, já não sentia o mesmo que antes. Tomei paxil nos primeiros dias, e gostei, mas tive de mudar para wellbutrin, porque como nao tenho seguro de saude nao posso ir a um medico, e estou a tomar medicamentos de pessoas que tinham disto em casa por terem tomado durante mts anos, e o stock de paxil era mt limitado, o de wellbutrin eh quase infinito, estou a tomar 200 gr por dia.


Com o acompanhamento possivel, está a correr tudo ok. O WB é o melhor antidepressivo no mercado, dizem os medicos. enquanto o paxil é um SSRI (inibe serotonina) o wellbutrin funciona com outros neurotransmissores, ataca por todos os lados, mt eficaz. Mas o paxil era mais confortavel para mim. o wellbutrin causa alguma tensão, ao contrario dos outros antidepressivos nao é calmante, as pessoas ficam mais activas. tem algumas reacçoes com outros medicamentos, e causa sono mt leve, por isso estou a tomar outra coisa para dormir.. mas enfim, está a correr bem. sinto-me estável. No primeiro dia que tomei wellbutrin nao dormi nada, e no dia seguinte estive bastante pior , por isso nao dispenso ajuda para dormir para ja. Com o tempo os efeitos secundarios pode ser que diminuam. Tenho deitado 2 horas mais cedo.
sinto que isto foi a ajuda definitiva para parar a espiral descendente que a vida toma qdo ficou deprimida. Não tive de cortar horas de work como pensei que teria.
Enfim, mas este não era para ser um post mt sério. Era só para dizer que decidi dedicar a minha vida aos sims. Amanha vou reinstala-los no computador, e seja o que Deus quiser. :) Preciso de umas férias da vida real.

The bucket list

I got this by email....

Hit forward and place an (x) by all the things you've done and removethe (x) from the ones you have not. Then send it to your friends(including me). This is for your entire life!

( x) Been to Europe
( ) Been on a cruise
( ) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X ) Been to Florida
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
( X) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Climbed a lighthouse
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
() Seen the Cherry Blossoms in Washington, D.C.
(X) Played cops and robbers( ) Flown a plane( ) Owned a boat
( ) Watched grandchildren grow
(x) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby
( ) Been to Key West
( ) Been to a rodeo
( x) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
() Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
() Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
() Seen the green flash at sunset
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Owned a convertible ( ) Bungee Jumped ( ) Caught snakes
( ) Eaten Anchovies
( ) Been in all 50 states 1. Any nick name? vivi
Mother's name?Ines
3. Favorite drink? mango lassi, hot chocolate, cherry pepsi
4. Body Piercing? ears, and nose once, not for long. i miss it sometimes.
5. How much do you love your job? lately not that much.
Birthplace? Merced, CA.
7. Ever been to Hawaii? No
8. Ever been to Africa? No
9. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? Yes
10. Ever been on TV? I think so. I was filmed a few times, don't know if it ever aired.
11. Ever steal any traffic sign? not traffic exactly, but a location sign. not my idea. my housemate from germany thought it would be a cool addition to our apartment, it was VERY heavy and big.
12. Ever been in a car accident? only motocyle. in the car i had a litle bump, wouldn't count that as accident. the moto ones were kinda serious though.
13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? two
15. Favorite number? 21
16. Favorite movie? spring summer fall winter, very zen and touching.
17. Favorite holiday? any that gives me a day off.
18. Favorite dessert? things with coconut and chocolate are usually at the top, but depends alot on the mood. once i had a passion fruit pudding that was unforgetable.
19. Favorite food? maybe pizza. when it's good, it's amazing.

20. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
21. Favorite brand of body wash? several, depends on the season. can't remember the one i'm using now, but it's good.
23. Favorite smell? smell of moist earth with plants, and... cement (on new constructions) , and ocean.
24. How do you relax? eating good food, breathing and meditating, music, talking to friends.
25. How do you see yourself in 10 years? maybe married with one or 2 babies, in a house by the ocean, or maybe single living in an ecovillage leading an excentric lifestyle, or any other way, it's a shot in the darj at this point, but either way i hope i will be living more fully than now, if that is possible, and it problably is.

more photos

The girls i work with....I made this art project for valentine's day. christmas decorations out, new holiday decorations in, that's how it goes. they are very cute.

New friends. At the mystery spot, in santa cruz. :) weird place.

Chris and me, our first time in santa cruz.

I'll try to take some time to write soon. too many things have happened. i'm pretty busy!

new furniture

don't mind the messy coffee table

or the spare tv...:)

Validation

the law of atraction :)

Mais pics

A pedido de várias famílias, seguem mais algumas fotos.

Esta é do walk-in closet...

My new quilt :D Sempre quiz uma.

O patiozinho... Comprei umas flores mas ainda não plantei.

O entertainment center/ dresser.... meio messy. A tv não dá nada além de dvds..... a não ser que eu meta tv a cabo. Aqui a Comcast tem o monopolio, e preços mt elevados.. por isso ainda não meti. entretanto agora tenho outra tvzinha no quarto que apanha os canais locais.