Monday, May 25, 2009

Saturday, May 23, 2009

What behaviors create challenges in an intimate relationship and how can we change them? I wish someone could tell me what to avoid next time?

As you know, intimate relationships, though complicated, are our opportunity to know ourselves and grow emotionally and spiritually. Through the insights we gain in our relationships we leave behind childhood patterns and we become adults.
Some essential unconscious behaviors that create challenges in an intimate relationship:

• Denying, repressing or not appropriately expressing feelings. This pattern is associated with past emotional wounds.
• Not taking responsibility for our true needs and not taking action to fulfill them. This creates expectations that our ‘happiness’ depends on the other person.
• Projecting our denied parts on the other and then holding that person a prisoner of our projections.
• Not being present. Reliving the past or anticipating the future.

Below are the solutions I propose. Of course, these steps take time, as the y form an entire journey to finding wholeness and inner peace.

1. List your expectations of the other, such as “He should do/be________in order for me to be happy/whole/in control. “ These expectations point to neglected needs that you project on the other, creating expectations.

2. Embrace and take responsibility for your projections, then turn them around. “He should understand me” becomes “ I understand him/myself”. “He should show acceptance” becomes “I accept him/myself.”

3. Allow unaccepted feelings to emerge—anger, hurt, shame, envy. Feel them, own them, embrace them and confess them to someone you trust. Usually they are associated with parts about yourself/your past you haven’t accepted. Embrace them. Don’t act on the feelings.

4. Stay in the present—embrace the present. Free your mind from the past and the future.

5. Once you accept the rejected, repressed parts of yourself, you will see clearly who the other is in the relationship. Withdrawing your projections by accepting all there is to accept in yourself and staying present in the now will allow you to love the other without expectations. This frees the other to relax and be their true self in the relationship. This keeps the flow of a relationship alive. If, after withdrawing your projections, you realize that you can’t love the other and be in a relationship with them, you can choose to leave.

Remember, a challenging relationship is a situation. To address it, you must first accept it as is, and they change it, or leave it. The key here is that, in order to change a relationship you don’t change the other person. You change how you relate to them.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Anguished rambles.

I've noticed that one of the secrets of people that date the same person for years, as opposed to someone like me that dates for an average of 2- 3 months before ending it, is that the first ones are very good at "escaping" being intensive. Not the kind of thing i want to escape though. If it has to end eventually, i'd rather know it as soon as possible, and the only way to know it is by being intensive, spending alot of time together, talking and doing stuff. Talking about serious things, and not being afraid of investing in the relationship.

I remember last time I went to an astrologer, i was telling him my relationship at the time wasn't intense enough, was sort of superficial, and the astrologer surprised me by replying something along the lines of "intensity makes it die".... I guess he was thinking of pluto, intensity =death. But wont it die anyway if it has to? I dont get it. Help.
The only advantage that i see in taking it slow, is that it grows on more solid ground, which i guess is a good thing. I'm confused. I think I project myself too fast and then i think that if the person doesn't fall head over heels right there then it will never happen so its not worth trying it.
This is my impulse, not my reason.
I have been in a happy relationship for 3 months and invested fast and possibly too much. Now i'm thinking i need a plan B. I'm thinking maybe I imposed myself. And if I did, can it be fixed? how can i respect someone that let that happen? How can I not become cynical about the whole thing?
If everything is alright and there is no problem, why do I feel alone?

a) I feel alone because I am alone, of course. I moved accross the globe a few months ago and I dont make friends fast.
b) I feel alone because I delluded myself into giving and expecting too much out of a single person, a person that has a life, with hobbies, familly and friends.
c) I've felt alone all of my life with very rare momentary exceptions, so that is to be expected.
d) All of the above.

Not easy having saturn in the 7th in times like these. If i actually dont leave and try to stick through problems it can make the Other feel bad for causing problems, and sometimes that's the reason it ends. Sucks, huh? That's what happened last time. I have too many fresh bad experiences in my mind still. Its hard to be positive.
I'll try to pray about it. Its confusing to pray when you dont know exactly who you're talking to, but i beleive in the power of prayer. It prepares you energetically to receive whatever it is you want to atract.