Wednesday, November 28, 2007

stages of denial

:) enjoy...

Job search

Lots of important things have happened today and yesterday. I'll get into that tomorrow maybe, not today. I didn't get any sleep and feel too weird. I'm looking for a job. I'd like to inform the Universe that I'm open to the perfect job for me at this time in life. Can you hear me, Universe? I'm ready for it. You know how to find me.
Yeah, job searching can be exausting. Shouldn't be as much for me, this is supposed to be the area of life where I'm lucky and have good karma. Here's the astrology:

Jupiter in the Sixth House 6th hs
This is a very useful placement, because it enables you to learn through working. You are able to put off getting something you want at the moment in favor of a goal that is more distant and usually more meaningful in the long run. By doing this, you grow in maturity and understanding. You will gain a great deal by giving to and working for others, which may not pay off immediately, but eventually it will bring you more than you can imagine.
You need to find work that is meaningful for you. Dull, repetitive and seemingly pointless tasks will turn you off very quickly, for you do not have as much patience as some people. But if you know that your duties are important, you will carry on with them until the very end.
As you get older, you will try to understand the world and people through work and service to others. You will be most attracted to fields that expose you to as many different kinds of people and situations as possible. You may work in a foreign country or with foreign people.

Jupiter Trine Midheaven
This aspect will be extremely useful, first by helping you find the right direction to take in your life and, second, by enabling you to make others feel positive about you and eager to help if you need it. You have a strong sense of social responsibility, a feeling that you should give your life over to a purpose that is useful to the world. You will always get along easily with authorities. You know that they have something to teach you, and you are willing to learn from them. You will always have a project to work on, because you hate to be idle, either in mind or body. Usually you are busy with some consuming interest, which may mean more to you than being with others. You feel that you are self- sufficient, that your activities are enough to give you a sense of fulfillment in life.

This is true, I'd be sure to hire me if I were an employer. I beleive the Universe conspires to realize your wishes once you put them out there, so this is me doing exactly that.
My perfect job would be 30 hours per week, using my skills in psychology or astrology, or translating, or all of the above and maybe some other skills I might have, maybe computer skills or driving skills! And i'd be payed for it, a fair amount. I'd be happy with that.
Thank you Universe, in advance.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

coldest weekend ever

This is in the highest mountain of mainland Portugal. Serra da Estrela. I've NEVER been so cold in my life as I was in these pictures, specially the first one. My face froze. It's gorgeous though.

Friday, November 23, 2007


I had my gastric bypass 2 years ago, yesterday :)
been a nice ride all in all. Or at least it's nice to think so. I was supposed to have celebrated it, as a rebirth date, but i was too lazy to do that. Though I had a nice evening, going out to Bairro Alto, having some "jaquinzinhos" - they're tiny fried fish - and some nice white wine, with my boyfriend and his father. We're heading to the snow tomorrow, at Serra da Estrela. It has been snowing there a bit since last weekend.
Hopefully iIwon't freeze my ass there. Haven't bought proper winter clothes. I need a nice warm coat.
That's the bad thing about loosing so much weight, you need to keep buying new clothes for 2 years, while the weight is coming off you need to keep getting new stuff. So I started to buy mine second hand mostly, I find great things at Humana downtown. I have tons of big old clothes to give them too. I love to buy like 2 dreamy pairs of jeans (sometimes i'm lucky to find some already cut the right leg size for me), 3 shirts, and some shoes for less then 20 euros! Makes my day.
Humana is amazing. They accept 2 hand clothes that people donate and then sell them really cheap, and the profits go for charity. And maybe 20% of the stuff there is really good quality and nice taste. others are so kitsh it's funny to look at. Something for everyone there.
I weigh around 60 kgs now. I think that may be around 120 pounds. My body mass indicator says i'm normal :) not morbidly obese, not obese, not excessive weight.
I find that i'm loosing apetite though. Right now i'm starved, I know this because I feel a bit weak and slight headache, i haven't eaten in a few hours, but i don't feel like eating anything. It's strange and sometimes I get scared. Mostly because people are telling me i need to stop loosing weight, and it's just not happening, even though i eat half a can of condensed milk a day, on top of regular meals, Not sure I understand this . I lost 2 kg (4 pounds) at least in the last 3 weeks. Eating condensed milk almost everyday which is a calorie bomb. I'll ask the nutricionist about this. I have a feeling eating high sugared things can be causing the faster weight loss lately, as contradictory as it might sound. But it isn't so absurd. If i'm constantly starved like i have been mostly, the body goes into survival mode, and doesn't waste any energy, the metabolism lowers. If you have alot of calories it changes back to normal mode, and starts to burn as it would normaly. My weigh was alot more stable before i found i could have condensed milk and not feel so sick i could die.
And 2 years after the surgery you're supposed to begin having a certain tendency to put on weigh again, since the restrictive absortion effect of the surgery looses it's "effect" around this time.. the body makes up for it, gets used to it.. and the only thing that works to keep the weight down is the smaller stomache, which some people manage to strech alot by this time. Even if they don't there's always a slight tendency to gain a few pounds after the 2 year mark.
but this is not happening totally for me, i guess. I do feel I don't miss my vitamins as much, not at all actually. And haven't for maybe 2 months. Before this, if i forgot to take them in the morning i'd feel weak, and now I don't notice any difference.
So the absortive aspect (1 meter of the bowel is bypassed in order to be used for a different purpose other then absorving nutrients and calories, so that leads to further weight loss with this surgery, but that stops after 2 years because the body learns to compensate for it)
is problably working, meaning it has problably compensated as it's supposed to.
I think it's because i've been so stressed out too. My white blood cells just give up on me when i'm depressed and stressed. I can feel them do this. Also my stomache feels really full with half a cup of water when i'm stressed, it must shrink or something. But I know this is common .
Makes me feel it's urgent to start being happy. Happier.
I'm really thankful for lots of good things today. Just hope I keep learning to appreciate things more and more.
There would be alot more to talk about this surgery and all the aspects related to it. Saturn in virgo would be a nice time to talk more about it. Not sure i want to though. Maybe if it comes up. I get a feeling non bypassed people will think I'm a freak talking about this :)
Though people thinking i'm a freak tends to give me a bit of a kick, it's not always desirable and rarely my priority as I live my life, and do my choices.
Post secret: I crave acceptance some times.
Wishing you a nice weekend... I'll be back on monday, God willing.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Alpha < Sig.

I'm studying statistics until tuesday. So help me god.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Saturn return- it's official

I'm officially having my saturn return. Didn't think I would have it until next year, but it's doing a 3 degrees conjunction now.
I've been thinking about my natal saturn-sun opposition. I could generalize that to saturn opposing mercury too. Oh, and opposing mars by the way. in transit and progression. Makes me take criticism and disaproval of any form really seriously. Knocks me out actually. Sometimes I even imagine it and react to that, doesn't even have to be real. Most of the times that's what happens. Other times it's surprises me out of nowhere. All this makes me grow fast, and I've been having alot of it lately.
I think because I'm basically a good person and do my best most of the times, after agonizing about what I did wrong I usually find I didn't do anything to deserve being "saturnized", just unfair situations which Is unexpected as I didn't know this about saturn, but there's always things to learn from it. Like being careful, being observant, being quiet basically- as I feel I'm not in my normal state of conscience right now, with this jupiter in my moon, so being quiet would really save trouble right now. Fortunatly I've been that way all my life, and it doesn't take much to adapt. But for some years I have been trying to become more free of the fear that made me be like that in the first place. So I'm needing to learn a new posture, a middle ground.
Jupiter is still helping me feel like I can deal with this. Don't know how it will be next week though. We'll see.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


This jupiter transit conjunct my moon has been alot like being posessed by an entity, full of good will and good feelings, but surprisingly failing miserably to express it's good intentions properly. I have a sagitarius moon which isn't known for being tactful, but this is different. Sometimes I'm not tactful because the truth seems much more important then tact, but this transit is more of being posessed by good feelings inside me and towards others like I rarely have been before. and then became amazed how that isn't expressive enough by itself.
I'm assuming things and failing. It feels bad. I am hurt when people don't see my good intentions, always. It's very frustrating.
This reminds me of something that was on my mind a few months back, about ackowledging the shadow in yourself, so it won't bite you in the ass.
A part of me is thankful for people enbodying she shadow biting me in the ass at this point. This never fails to make me stop and think. But I want some peace and I have it inside. I'll be sure to enjoy jupiter at this point, in a more introverted way. Besides, Saturn is no more a part of reality then any other planet. Life is about experiencing all of them. So for now I will pass on the suggestion to blame myself for other people's reactions.

Embrace your mortality

"Embrace your mortality" was the answer I got. The question : "What can I do to heal us?"

This was one of those chats between me and a specific part of my soul. I don't want to sound weird today, so I won't get into details about how it works. I just wanted to reflect about it.

( Don't mean to underestimate my fellow excentric-seekers-of-the-Truth's hability to be fascinated by these type of stories, but I don't want to over expose sacred things.)

I had forgotten this message, and accidently found it 2 days ago in an old email, where I used to keep a sort of diary.

Embrace your mortality. What does this mean?

It means: Be ok with the fact you are in a body. Be ok with being here temporarily and possibly leaving unexpectedly. Being ok with your plans being frustrated by death. Detach from your persona. Take care of your body, it's a precious tool. Learn to do this by yourself even though no one did it for you when you expected them to - and you survived it, see how powerful you are? - You can create this hability from scratch. you have this power.

To not accept death is just the same as not accepting life. There is a direct connection between both. The story behind me not accepting death would sound weird as it has to do with a past life event. I didn't want to be born. (Ask my mother!! ) They had to pull me out a few weeks after the due date for birth. For some reason I did come. But I know why, mostly. I have a big need to learn, gain awareness. And it seems being here is the way to do that faster.

Mortalility is a big concept... it's the physical death, ilness, pain, spiritual transition at any given time. The life I chose as Viviana has prepared me to accept this better then i did before. This and a couple of other things.

Learning to love yourself is another big part of healing. Be the most important person in someone's life, starting with your own, perhaps. I'm here to learn to love, and that includes alot of things that need to happen in the process.

Do you know what are you here for? Do you think it makes a difference?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


give you
second hand.

Glycose & hedgehogs

I have been dreaming alot these last days. And I think it's related to my recent addiction to condensed milk. My brain missed having all the glicose, and the dreams are back with a vengence. They are very real. I don't remember the other night's dreams, but tonight I dreamt I was feeding baby hedgehogs, with an improvised baby bottle and it was a bit stressfull, they were very small. the dream lasted alot. I'd wake up and then go back to the dream a few times.

I love hedgehogs. I found on last december on my christmas vacation in the island. A baby, problably 3 months old. That's him on the photo. (I have more pictures of him on the archives of December) He was alone. I was looking for mushrooms and found him lying in the ground. When they are born late in the summer they are too young to hibernate and usually die during the winter.

I didn't know that then, but he seemed like he needed some mothering and I was all for it. I took him in my scarf to my home, he was a bit scared, rolled on himself.

then I went online and read about hedgehogs, what they eat, how to treat them.. first I gave him a warm bath and used an old tooth brush to clean and comb his spines, he loved the bath, he was relaxed by the warm water, this was day time so it meant it was sleep time for him, he wasn't very active, but he definatly relaxed more after the bath, I think that when he become my friend, he slept in my lap, without rolling into a ball like they do when they are afraid. Later that night he was up and starved, so I fetched him snails from the garden, and he devoured them in half a second, they were crunching in his mouth like popcorn!

People that have them as pets usually feed them cat food and fruit, and I tried it, but he didn't want any of that. He ate nothing but snails. Hedgehogs are very puppiesh, they are so gentle and cute, I fell in love with him. That was almost a year ago. Maybe that's why i'm dreaming of hedgehogs.

Anyway I am enjoying having loads of glycose on my blood again.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Cabo da Roca & update

This is me, sunday afternoon, at Cabo da Roca, supposedly the most western spot in europe (if you ignore the azores islands in the middle of the atlantic).

I've decided to start writing in english here, so more people can understand what i'm writing about :) pretty much all my portuguese readers understand english so this won't be a problem.

My S.A.D has given me a break these days, with jupiter conjunct my moon this week and the next, it's been nice.

Makes me think that if i had started taking anti depressants a few weeks ago when it began, I would think this break was due to it. But it isn't! I'm glad.

I'll be back soon to talk about stuff. I'll stop waiting for a good reason to write here and just force myself to, because it helps alot. All (nice) feedback from you is very welcome, in the language you prefer (just no deutsh, please anonimo or I'll have to use babel fish). off to bed.