Thursday, May 21, 2009

Anguished rambles.

I've noticed that one of the secrets of people that date the same person for years, as opposed to someone like me that dates for an average of 2- 3 months before ending it, is that the first ones are very good at "escaping" being intensive. Not the kind of thing i want to escape though. If it has to end eventually, i'd rather know it as soon as possible, and the only way to know it is by being intensive, spending alot of time together, talking and doing stuff. Talking about serious things, and not being afraid of investing in the relationship.

I remember last time I went to an astrologer, i was telling him my relationship at the time wasn't intense enough, was sort of superficial, and the astrologer surprised me by replying something along the lines of "intensity makes it die".... I guess he was thinking of pluto, intensity =death. But wont it die anyway if it has to? I dont get it. Help.
The only advantage that i see in taking it slow, is that it grows on more solid ground, which i guess is a good thing. I'm confused. I think I project myself too fast and then i think that if the person doesn't fall head over heels right there then it will never happen so its not worth trying it.
This is my impulse, not my reason.
I have been in a happy relationship for 3 months and invested fast and possibly too much. Now i'm thinking i need a plan B. I'm thinking maybe I imposed myself. And if I did, can it be fixed? how can i respect someone that let that happen? How can I not become cynical about the whole thing?
If everything is alright and there is no problem, why do I feel alone?

a) I feel alone because I am alone, of course. I moved accross the globe a few months ago and I dont make friends fast.
b) I feel alone because I delluded myself into giving and expecting too much out of a single person, a person that has a life, with hobbies, familly and friends.
c) I've felt alone all of my life with very rare momentary exceptions, so that is to be expected.
d) All of the above.

Not easy having saturn in the 7th in times like these. If i actually dont leave and try to stick through problems it can make the Other feel bad for causing problems, and sometimes that's the reason it ends. Sucks, huh? That's what happened last time. I have too many fresh bad experiences in my mind still. Its hard to be positive.
I'll try to pray about it. Its confusing to pray when you dont know exactly who you're talking to, but i beleive in the power of prayer. It prepares you energetically to receive whatever it is you want to atract.

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