Monday, February 25, 2008

north node

just thought i'd share how exhausted i am
i left the work, cause it's not compatible with a class i need to take this semester. today was the last day. i'm relieved and emotionally unstable.. i feel psychically contaminated, or at least that's what I think it is. it happens everytime i'm in contact with large groups of people for a long time. i suck all the bad vibes i guess. bad thoughts keep coming to my mind making me feel bad and i can't seem to fight them off. a salt bath is supposed to help.
this happens when i'm tired too. i keep thinking people don't like me. they think i'm bad. they don't get me. i'm alone.
there's no rational reason for this. I just see the negative side of things when i'm tired.

I've been taking a natural calmant sometimes.... makes me feel confy and have confy thoughts as i drift to sleep. Today i think i need a bath in candle light..... wish i could listen to some music too while bathing. *sneeze* life sucks.
i want another job. i like having a shedule. I applyied for a 20 hour/week job answering phones in a support line for domestic violence. that would be pretty nice. it's 4 hours a day and it's not a physical job. i should be fine there. living in a bigger city is nice for getting jobs, there's more options.

I'm planning on moving to Florida by the end of this year, me and ben. we'll get jobs and start a new life. and we'll swim and be in the sun. maybe become vegetarian. that's a long term plan for me. I imagine having a vegetarian familly. we might eat fish though. just not eat mammals. that would be enough.
I want a simple life. I want to cook and do gardening, have fruit trees and pets. I might have a baby, and ben would take care of him. he adores babies. me not so much. but being a mother is one of those things that is just part of being incarnated, one of the big lessons. right? I think it could be wonderful. it could be terrible too. I might risk it.
have u noticed how lots of people never thought of how terrible it can be to have a baby? I know mothers that never had imagined a baby would cry all night long, and get sick so often, or even be born with a terrible sickness of whatever, become an addict, a teenage delinquent.. etc. I'm very aware of all that and not really aware of the good things.
*cough* ugh. hate being sick. bye.

1 comment:

Devil Mood said...

I'm e-mailing you.